What is there to hope for?

Thanks for replying Paul hopefully I’m not too scary despite my dragon like appearance  sorry to hear about your struggles. I’m ok with written stuff myself but not good generally face to face and terrible in groups. What games do you like? I’m into RPG stuff and strategy games.

I enjoy gaming too, I have an Xbox. I'm currently playing Bioshock. 

What games do you like playing?

Dear PaulS,

You are my nemesis (because your only interests are tech)......and yet you are also my PROFOUND brother (because of all the other things that you say, and how you say them - above and below!)

I am immersed and dissolved into other matters at the moment........but I just feel [genuinely] compelled to say hi (quickly) and to reassure you that, no matter how hopeless and bad you "think" your current circumstances are, some of us here have suffered VERY similar / worse........and survived!  Life can (and probably will) improve, brother!

Congratulations and respect to you.....for dipping your toe / chancing your arm......in this conceptual "bear pit" of "forum life!"  The fact that you have reached the point where you felt able/"reluctantly willing" to do so......in my opinion..... is a VERY promising omen for your soul.

I'll be back to you as soon as I am able.  In the meanwhile, I offer you my friendship and warmth (purely based on my impression of your soul - on the scant evidence that you have presented, thus far.)  I hope my words here give you some degree of comfort and hope that this place might (just about) be OK for you to be around.

Warm regards to you

Number.

Also, I went to see my GP and told her the severity of where I have found myself n she sent me some links. Today I have ref myself for talking therapy. From the links I have also found a local ND group I knew nothing about. I have emailed them and it will be taking place 2nd Wed of the each month, in the evening. These things have given me hope. 
Last night, I went to the cinema and with a stranger, which worked well because you don’t have to interact  

I had to be cautious tho because I now know I am vulnerable to abuse but in knowing that I think I can protect myself better from being manipulated.

I have arrived at a similar hopeless place myself. Reading these posts helps me to feel less alone. 

PaulS said:

the amount of pain when any social interaction goes awry, just adds to the daily weight on my back.

This ️ I totally get. I just feel like giving up because it’s not worth the consequences but then my social needs aren’t being met. 

I have started piano lessons as something I can do alone. Well, with a tutor sometimes. I have found a new teacher and he is amazing! Just for today. 

I can feel something internal that wasn’t there before. Like I am teetering in the edge of a very scary place of giving up completely. 

Hi B&I,

Thanks for replying and the helpful advice. 

Hi Mrs Snooks,

Thanks for replying and for your kind words.  It must be very difficult for you to deal with both conditions.

I'm feeling a little more hopeful

Hi Iain,

Thanks for replying.  Since birth, I've instinctively been shy, school was literal hell and there are abusive people in every walk of life.  I'm a massive goofball when working or socialising at work, but any other social function (even doing my first post on any website) causes me to panic so much that (unless I need to do it), I'll either run away or (in the case of IRL events), I'll sit at a party for hours like an idiot with a big smile on face, not having the ability to speak as my fight\flight reflex is hammering away telling that this was a bad idea. :)

I'm going to try to continue this experiment (talking online) as I seem to be able to do it, but it's causing me some grief.

Hi Lotus,

Thanks for replying.  I've hit rock bottom.  I've spent my life trying, but massively failing at life.  I've spent my time in a self imposed exile and have nothing to show for it.  

I seem to be resistant to every drug I've ever been prescribed for depression, anxiety and the side effects are sometimes not nice.

I'm going to have to pick myself up and "start again" again, but partly due to my mental state, I can't see a reason why.  

Now, only at the end, do I see, that apart from seeing a therapist, I have to try push myself to try to a way round this social interaction thing that causes me to panic and this is a tentative first step.

Also into gaming.

Hi,

Thanks for replying.  I haven't heard of any Discord servers for this site, but there may well be.  Discord servers are normal\safe, as long as you remember rule1 of the internet i.e. don't click on things on web pages unless you're sure that it's safe. 

Thanks for replying.  I'm 52, have practically no connections with any outside my immediate family and a few old work colleagues.  I've not made many good connections with people outside of work.

I'm terrible with people I don't know.  Just this step, this interaction is causing me to panic.

I'm trying to find a reason to want to connection with the world again and this is why I need to reach out.  Also, I started back with a mild expensive therapist and I said I'd try this post.

Thanks for replying.  I've been trying to get out more, but after a long life with a whole heap of negativity\abuse from the outside world, I'm spent on talking to anyone I don't need to - I'm not trying to be nasty, it's just the amount of pain when any social interaction goes awry, just adds to the daily weight on my back.

This is the first serious time I've tried to talk to strangers in a couple of decades,  beyond being a goofball at work.

Good morning, Paul,

Thank you for posting; it is a trying time, one I am sure many would sympathise with. I in no way want to diminish your anguish by reducing your words to just four, but if it were me, I would start with what I have quoted from your text underneath.

PaulS said:

For a normal person

If you use this bat to judge yourself, your journey will continue to be rocky. It isn't even a factual statement. You are a completely normal human being; the symptoms and behaviours to which you refer are entirely in line with your conditions. What follows are my suggestions.

1. Make an appointment with your G.P. to discuss medication or a similar therapy for what could be depression. Again, this condition is closely aligned with the neurodiverse community. This is something that you may already have attended to.

2. Contact one of the moderators through the NAS; I apologise, but I do not know how to do it. I imagine the solution will have been added by the time you read this. The moderators have a tremendous list of resources to get you back on track.

3. If you are tech-savvy (if you are in I.T., I am sure you are), get yourself an auto-correct; if the spelling, grammar, etc. thing is going to bother you (it shouldn't), then spend plenty of time on here with like-minded people. 

4. I don't know if you are a motivation kind of guy, but I have listened to the thousands of times: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwfhH8yDZQo

Keep your chin up, pal.

B&I

Hi Paul. 

I love my music. This is a song which resonates for me. Being in IT, you'll maybe be able to get rid of the ads. I always struggle to find words to help in the Mental health and wellbeing section.

I have bipolar along with being autistic. It is often hard to work out whether it is the bipolar or autism fall out that is causing the distress. I am 53 and a woman and I have troubles with working out what is there hope for too.

I cope by reading about autism and how others view their autism. I think that this helps me, because I can reflect that I am still an okay person, despite feeling like I have failed in life.

I hope you are feeling better today.

PaulS said:

I'm unable to perform the most basic of social tasks without freaking out and\or running away.

Hello Paul, welcome.

Why do you think you freak out and.or run away in these situations? Can you describe what it is that creates the fear and what the fear is exactly (fear of having to speak, of being thought incompetent socially, of rejection, of being seen etc)

If you want to work on these issues and make them less intrusive or to conquer your fear then I would heartily recommend working with a psychotherapist with lots of experience with autistic clients.

You talk about finding someone to be an anchor for you - what does this feel like to you? Someone to live with you, someone you speak to daily or an occasional contact?

This forum is a great place to join in discussions, make occasional aquaintance friends and develop your interests beyone their current limitations - join in and see how it feels to you.

Hi Paul and welcome to the community. 

Well, you've achieved a first in your life now by asking your first question to online strangers, so well done for taking that step. Don't worry about your spelling & grammar - it's absolutely fine, and many of us here also over share (which I don't think you did in your post, by the way)

You say you've failed at pretty much all of life, but you also say you have a job so that's one achievement - some people cannot cope with that, and most of us here who do or have worked have not found it easy.

You say you're not happy, You have nothing to hope for, and any kind of social relationship is almost impossible. But what would make you happy? Is it that you want friends but lack the social skills? If so, you can learn these - there is an article in the advice and guidance section of this website which is a starting point on helping with that. Or is it that you feel.pressure from others to "conform" and have friends/relationships when you don't really want them? 

I hope you find this forum useful and interesting, and that you feel a connection here with others who are also autistic. You can have "friends" online, they don't always have to be IRL. If you could change your user name from the default NAS number to just " Paul", or choose yourself a nickname, that will help us to identify you.

Hi, you made me think back to the 90s when internet chat rooms started, after connecting with the noisy modem. 

I was diagnosed 2 months ago so fairly new to this - therefore hoping some others on here may know of some decent Discord Servers if you prefer the "live" format of them compared to this forum ?  TBH I've never used it, but my son does he's in IT and PC Games (when not working), although not too sure how safe the platform is ?

Hi Paul, not sure if you are new but welcome to the community. I hope you make some connections. I'm into PC games, not sure if this is something that is interesting to you? Probably a similar age, I'm also not much of a social creature and certainly do not enjoy small talk, I try to avoid if possible. What help are you looking for, not quite clear?

I hope many of us here, within this online Community, will quickly lose our status as complete strangers (as you get to know us and, likewise, we get to know you too).

Some among us here; are interested in computing / tech, (as a personal interest / current careers / previous careers), others may passionately prefer their lives to be as tech-free as possible.  (It is all good).  That said, what enables our dialogue; as this online community: is actually tech (with sometimes the foibles and frailties to grumble over in solidarity too: tech-lovers and tech-haters alike!).

When it comes to suggestions: I wondered if you had any recent experience of joining any professional organisations?  (These days, it tends to be a bit less about (in person) exposition / exhibition / trade show events and formal dinners plus a Speaker).