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What is there to hope for?

PaulS

Hi,

I'm a 52 year old computer engineer who talks IRL\online every day when at work, but has never asked a question online to complete strangers. Forgive me for spelling, grammar, over sharing - I've not done anything (recently) that is causing me as much stress as this is doing. :)

I'm really not happy. I've failed at pretty much all of life. Although I'm seemly intelligent, I'm unable to perform the most basic of social tasks without freaking out and\or running away.

I'm at rock bottom again. Although I've been here in the past and it's really not nice living without hope, I managed to build a foundation i.e. somewhere to place and fill a structure then start to rebuild and someday hopefully manage to feel part of this world. What I needed was an anchor, somewhere to fall back to, to feel safe, have a place to stand whilst I tried to obtain some self worth.

In the past I used family and what little friends I had, to form a bedrock. A reason to try again, to find a reason that I can build upon. I need a reason, (beyond mere hope that things will change for the better), to get out of bed in the morning and start to try to make another connection with the world.

For a normal person, this would be incredibly difficult to find. My conditions i.e. I'm austic, asexual and my other biological problem that makes virtually any kind of social relationship almost impossible. I'm quite bad a small talk, I have no interests beyond tech.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

Cheers,

Paul

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  • PaulS said:
    I'm unable to perform the most basic of social tasks without freaking out and\or running away.

    Hello Paul, welcome.

    Why do you think you freak out and.or run away in these situations? Can you describe what it is that creates the fear and what the fear is exactly (fear of having to speak, of being thought incompetent socially, of rejection, of being seen etc)

    If you want to work on these issues and make them less intrusive or to conquer your fear then I would heartily recommend working with a psychotherapist with lots of experience with autistic clients.

    You talk about finding someone to be an anchor for you - what does this feel like to you? Someone to live with you, someone you speak to daily or an occasional contact?

    This forum is a great place to join in discussions, make occasional aquaintance friends and develop your interests beyone their current limitations - join in and see how it feels to you.

  • in reply to Iain

    Hi Iain,

    Thanks for replying.  Since birth, I've instinctively been shy, school was literal hell and there are abusive people in every walk of life.  I'm a massive goofball when working or socialising at work, but any other social function (even doing my first post on any website) causes me to panic so much that (unless I need to do it), I'll either run away or (in the case of IRL events), I'll sit at a party for hours like an idiot with a big smile on face, not having the ability to speak as my fight\flight reflex is hammering away telling that this was a bad idea. :)

    I'm going to try to continue this experiment (talking online) as I seem to be able to do it, but it's causing me some grief.

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  • in reply to Iain

    Hi Iain,

    Thanks for replying.  Since birth, I've instinctively been shy, school was literal hell and there are abusive people in every walk of life.  I'm a massive goofball when working or socialising at work, but any other social function (even doing my first post on any website) causes me to panic so much that (unless I need to do it), I'll either run away or (in the case of IRL events), I'll sit at a party for hours like an idiot with a big smile on face, not having the ability to speak as my fight\flight reflex is hammering away telling that this was a bad idea. :)

    I'm going to try to continue this experiment (talking online) as I seem to be able to do it, but it's causing me some grief.

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