What is there to hope for?

Hi,

I'm a 52 year old computer engineer who talks IRL\online every day when at work, but has never asked a question online to complete strangers. Forgive me for spelling, grammar, over sharing - I've not done anything (recently) that is causing me as much stress as this is doing. :)

I'm really not happy. I've failed at pretty much all of life. Although I'm seemly intelligent, I'm unable to perform the most basic of social tasks without freaking out and\or running away.

I'm at rock bottom again. Although I've been here in the past and it's really not nice living without hope, I managed to build a foundation i.e. somewhere to place and fill a structure then start to rebuild and someday hopefully manage to feel part of this world. What I needed was an anchor, somewhere to fall back to, to feel safe, have a place to stand whilst I tried to obtain some self worth.

In the past I used family and what little friends I had, to form a bedrock. A reason to try again, to find a reason that I can build upon. I need a reason, (beyond mere hope that things will change for the better), to get out of bed in the morning and start to try to make another connection with the world.

For a normal person, this would be incredibly difficult to find. My conditions i.e. I'm austic, asexual and my other biological problem that makes virtually any kind of social relationship almost impossible. I'm quite bad a small talk, I have no interests beyond tech.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

Cheers,

Paul

Parents
  • Hi Paul and welcome to the community. 

    Well, you've achieved a first in your life now by asking your first question to online strangers, so well done for taking that step. Don't worry about your spelling & grammar - it's absolutely fine, and many of us here also over share (which I don't think you did in your post, by the way)

    You say you've failed at pretty much all of life, but you also say you have a job so that's one achievement - some people cannot cope with that, and most of us here who do or have worked have not found it easy.

    You say you're not happy, You have nothing to hope for, and any kind of social relationship is almost impossible. But what would make you happy? Is it that you want friends but lack the social skills? If so, you can learn these - there is an article in the advice and guidance section of this website which is a starting point on helping with that. Or is it that you feel.pressure from others to "conform" and have friends/relationships when you don't really want them? 

    I hope you find this forum useful and interesting, and that you feel a connection here with others who are also autistic. You can have "friends" online, they don't always have to be IRL. If you could change your user name from the default NAS number to just " Paul", or choose yourself a nickname, that will help us to identify you.

  • Hi Lotus,

    Thanks for replying.  I've hit rock bottom.  I've spent my life trying, but massively failing at life.  I've spent my time in a self imposed exile and have nothing to show for it.  

    I seem to be resistant to every drug I've ever been prescribed for depression, anxiety and the side effects are sometimes not nice.

    I'm going to have to pick myself up and "start again" again, but partly due to my mental state, I can't see a reason why.  

    Now, only at the end, do I see, that apart from seeing a therapist, I have to try push myself to try to a way round this social interaction thing that causes me to panic and this is a tentative first step.

Reply
  • Hi Lotus,

    Thanks for replying.  I've hit rock bottom.  I've spent my life trying, but massively failing at life.  I've spent my time in a self imposed exile and have nothing to show for it.  

    I seem to be resistant to every drug I've ever been prescribed for depression, anxiety and the side effects are sometimes not nice.

    I'm going to have to pick myself up and "start again" again, but partly due to my mental state, I can't see a reason why.  

    Now, only at the end, do I see, that apart from seeing a therapist, I have to try push myself to try to a way round this social interaction thing that causes me to panic and this is a tentative first step.

Children
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