Lack of support from my husband

Good to hear you have some support, and how amazing that your friend recognised you were struggling on your trip and got you somewhere you could have some time out. 

Thanks! I’m managing. I also know someone who’s adhd and she is one of the people who suggested to me I might be autistic. It took a few years but by now I’m starting to accommodate myself a bit (like wearing headphones, avoiding situations I know I won’t be comfortable with whenever possible and stuff like this). My parents are a bit difficult when it comes to this, but many of the people around me are very supportive when I do those things (e.g. I was very overwhelmed while visiting the British Museum on our final class trip so a friend lead me outside and sat down with me, allowing me to just burry my head for a second). It sounds like you’re experiencing something similar? I hope you’re alright!

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this as well, it must be difficult. Do you have people who you can talk to locally? I have one friend who is adhd and bipolar who I can chat with luckily and it helps that we have a mutual understanding about neurodiversity. 

Hi!

Many things have already been said and I agree; this is not okay. Your situation sounds very tense and at some point you might want to consider taking a break from each other. 
This makes it even more important for you to connect with others. Do you have any interests that you could engage in by joining a club? It is much easier to connect with people through shared interests. Maybe there’s a support group for autistic adults in your area? Even staying in contact with people from this forum is a very good start.

I’m very sorry you have to experience such a negative response to your diagnosis. I myself do not have an official diagnosis as I didn’t dare to get assessed yet because I still live with my parents (I recently turned 19 and am in the 13th grade in Germany). I once talked to them about my suspicions regarding autism (mainly because teachers and friends had this idea while other students just assumed that I am autistic) and the answer I got was that “everybody these days has got their little something” and “no, I once knew an autistic guy and he was so different from you”, despite constantly pointing out, making fun of or joking about how strange and awkward I am. So I’m now waiting to move out and get my own health insurance so they don’t have to know it from the beginning.

This isn't ok.  Maybe he is trying to joke it off or make light of it as he thinks that's the right thing to do and might help.  It's going to be tough but you are going to need to ask him to sit down and talk to you about it.

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago, although my husband is supportive it has taken him a while to get his head around some things.  At one point I do remember him saying something like I seemed more autistic since my diagnosis.  So we had a conversation around masking and my need to be comfortable unmasking around him, he's starting to get it.  He's also read some of the Luke Beardon books and various articles I sometimes send him to try and be able to understand/help.  Sadly you say your husband doesn't want to do that.

Being autistic is part of who you are, that person is the person your husband fell in love with.  He needs to talk to you and support you.

Take care!

Dear David93,

Thank you for reaching out to the community, and I am sorry to hear about how 'especially hard' everything feels at present. I am sure there are many people who experience have similar thoughts when dealing with such issues and we hope you’re okay.

In addition to the supportive and detailed responses from other users, you may want to use our Autism Services Directory to search for therapist services in your area that cater for autistic people. You can find the Directory here: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory.

In addition, you could visit our NAS page on Family Relationships – a guide for partners of autistic people. Here we have information that might help partners understand their individual traits and relationship dynamics better, and tips on how one can manage their challenges: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

Please reach out to us if you have any more questions.

Kind regards,

Good_Vibes365

You are still the person you were before diagnosis. My wife has a "everyone is a little autistic" attitude which I feel is a little invalidating, although in her case I'm sure it's more than a little. 

I came to the party later than most and have managed to figure most things out, although I do stubble from time to time.

Do you think your husband is being "difficult" because he doesn't know how to process the information or does he think if he ignores it, it will go away. I assume you have always had issues but you now just have a name for it, so ultimately what's changed?

You now have a starting point. Finding someone to explore things with is helpful, I speak to a psychologist to help me navigate my thoughts and feelings.

Look in your local area for an autism support group and push your GP to help. NHS support is spotty at best when it comes to autism but they can help on the mental health aspect to a degree.

Good luck and take care 

Hi David and welcome to the forum

I get very little support from my partner (in fact no support would be closer to the truth) I am undiagnosed atm and have to wait until July for my assessment. I have 2 children one of which has been diagnosed autistic last December. My partner originally suggested that I have very similar traits to my son but as I have done much research and came to the realisation she is not interested in talking about it. I was told never to speak about it again…. That was over 18 months ago. We did briefly discuss it a few months ago and I was told that she cannot support me because she knows me too well, she offers much support to people at her workplace as she (in her words) has little connection to them. 
She also refuses to read any books or educate herself on the subject.

For those reasons my partner doesn’t even know I’m on the waiting list for the assessment. 

I mostly get told I’m weird and sometimes in a heated discussion been told I’m a freak. I know that’s just a reaction in the moment but it hurts.

I can’t offer any advice I’m afraid as I have just learned to live with it but I feel your sadness and I’m sorry that you have to endure this. 

I hope you can work things out

Given my personal experience of a bad relationship (we were 11 years together) I'm getting a few alarm bell ringing here. Obviously anything I say is clouded by my own past history so may not apply to you.

Being isolated from friends and family, then having a partner/husband start mocking and insulting you sounds like abuse. Or at least the potential start of abuse.

I'd strongly advise you to reconnect with your friends abroad, even if you think they have their own problems. You don't need to go into too much detail about what's going on, but I think you should let them know you're struggling. Also, I think you need to try to make some friends of your own closer to home. Having time away from each other may give you both a break and strengthen your connection again. 

I'm definitely not saying you should divorce or anything like that. Just get a little breathing space. Couples' therapy has also been mentioned and is something you might want to explore.

As I said: my judgement is influenced strongly by my own experiences, but it does sound like a worrying direction for a relationship to take.

Thank you for your support!

Yes, I hope in time things will cone to its place and itll be ok.  

Thank you for your advice and your answer. 

No, that psychotherapy I had was years ago, before I even understood what autism. It was because of some issues that bother me, so he was specialised in that field. But today I realise it it probably connected with autism.

I had a feeling like he wants to end the session asap, and talking to people I dont know caused me great stress, so i couldn’t even express myself fully.  Thats why I don’t believe anything like that could ever help me. 

But i will check the link you posted, and who knows, maybe give it another chance.

David93 said:

Last year, I paid for a few psychotherapy sessions, but it didn’t help in any way.

Did you choose a psycotherapist who was skilled in dealing with autists? The techniques are quite different for how neurotypical peope are treated so it is important to find one with the right skills.

Your experience is unfortunately not rare as there is not a lot of knowledge out there about autism and load of misinformation or imagined "facts" that are just wrong.

A book that may help him understand better is :

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

Aspergers is an older name used for autists such as yourself and isn't really used by the medical community any more but is still quite relevant.

If he continues to show contempt then my approach in your shoes would be to have a confrontation - tell him exactly how it makes me feel, what it does to my feelings for him and what it will lead to if he continues - sometimes we need to lay it on the line.

I would ask him to read the book without judgement and ask questions.

I would educate myself on autism as much as I could, epectially around the traits your diagnosis highlighted.

I would talk with the community here and start to realise how many like minded people there are out there with struggles like yours, see how they cope and learn some techniques to improve your quality of life.

Lastly, but not least, I would try to talk him into a couples therapy set of sessions with a psychotherapist who is skilled in helping autists - there is a long list of them here for England alone: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism  - a good tip it to use the ALL filters buttons to add more specialisations for your situation.

I went through a similar process as my partner was struggling with me not "being the man she married" and was seen as defective - we worked through this and found a new balance while educating ourselves much more deeply in the other persons needs, wants and faults, but learning to forgive, accept and grow to find ways to make it work.

David93 said:

I don’t know anyone who is autistic.

You know a few more now than when you started - welcome to the exclusive 1% club of older, diagnosed autists.

Hi David

When I was diagnosed autistic a few years ago I was pretty lucky in that my closest family and friends in the main accepted me as autistic.

So I figure that I am not the best qualified to answer.

But no one else had yet, so I figured I might get the ball rolling.

Firstly there's that hackneyed phrase to share that every relationship is different.  Whatever advice you get will need to be adapted to you and yours personally.  If it gets too distressing or challenging it's probably wise to not be slow in getting professional help

For both of you there'll be a lot to come to terms with I'm sure.

Still, as regards the first world problem and denial - well that's a pretty heavy reaction to lay on you.

To keep it short but sweet - stay compassionate, get well informed and be patient.

Look after yourself as well.

The people in this community are often a pretty supportive bunch.

All the best.