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Lack of support from my husband

David93

Hello,

Im 37 years old, my whole life I was struggling with certain issues, just to find out few years ago that it might be autism. Last month I was officially diagnosed with autism. 

I am married, and we are 12 years together. We have nice marriage and we’ve always been a support to each other - until I got my diagnosis. 

He isn’t talking it seriously, and he is even mocking me. He doesn’t want to talk about it or read the documents that I got from the professional. He is calling me “pu**y”, being dramatic, spoiled, telling me to man up, saying that autism isn’t real and a “first world” problem, a trend... Few days ago he accidentally broke a plate and he said “oh, look, I'm autistic, hahaha”

It really hurts, often makes me cry. This is the first time I don’t know how to talk to him. We usually don’t fight often, but when we do, it could easily be avoided if he would understand some of my traits. 

It is especially hard, because we moved to the UK just 4 years ago, I don’t have any friends here - no one that I could talk to. I feel incredibly lonely, and I am becoming more and more depressed (which I never was before). Friends that I have abroad - I don’t feel comfortable bothering them with my issues, because they have bigger problems than me. Also, I don’t know anyone who is autistic.

Last year, I paid for a few psychotherapy sessions, but it didn’t help in any way.

Did anyone experience similar problems with the closest family? Any ideas or suggestions what to do and how to cope with this? 

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  • David93 said:
    Last year, I paid for a few psychotherapy sessions, but it didn’t help in any way.

    Did you choose a psycotherapist who was skilled in dealing with autists? The techniques are quite different for how neurotypical peope are treated so it is important to find one with the right skills.

    Your experience is unfortunately not rare as there is not a lot of knowledge out there about autism and load of misinformation or imagined "facts" that are just wrong.

    A book that may help him understand better is :

    Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
    ISBN 9781608820771

    Aspergers is an older name used for autists such as yourself and isn't really used by the medical community any more but is still quite relevant.

    If he continues to show contempt then my approach in your shoes would be to have a confrontation - tell him exactly how it makes me feel, what it does to my feelings for him and what it will lead to if he continues - sometimes we need to lay it on the line.

    I would ask him to read the book without judgement and ask questions.

    I would educate myself on autism as much as I could, epectially around the traits your diagnosis highlighted.

    I would talk with the community here and start to realise how many like minded people there are out there with struggles like yours, see how they cope and learn some techniques to improve your quality of life.

    Lastly, but not least, I would try to talk him into a couples therapy set of sessions with a psychotherapist who is skilled in helping autists - there is a long list of them here for England alone: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism  - a good tip it to use the ALL filters buttons to add more specialisations for your situation.

    I went through a similar process as my partner was struggling with me not "being the man she married" and was seen as defective - we worked through this and found a new balance while educating ourselves much more deeply in the other persons needs, wants and faults, but learning to forgive, accept and grow to find ways to make it work.

    David93 said:
    I don’t know anyone who is autistic.

    You know a few more now than when you started - welcome to the exclusive 1% club of older, diagnosed autists.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for your advice and your answer. 

    No, that psychotherapy I had was years ago, before I even understood what autism. It was because of some issues that bother me, so he was specialised in that field. But today I realise it it probably connected with autism.

    I had a feeling like he wants to end the session asap, and talking to people I dont know caused me great stress, so i couldn’t even express myself fully.  Thats why I don’t believe anything like that could ever help me. 

    But i will check the link you posted, and who knows, maybe give it another chance. Thumbsup tone2

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  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for your advice and your answer. 

    No, that psychotherapy I had was years ago, before I even understood what autism. It was because of some issues that bother me, so he was specialised in that field. But today I realise it it probably connected with autism.

    I had a feeling like he wants to end the session asap, and talking to people I dont know caused me great stress, so i couldn’t even express myself fully.  Thats why I don’t believe anything like that could ever help me. 

    But i will check the link you posted, and who knows, maybe give it another chance. Thumbsup tone2

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