Feeling lost

Hi, I really relate to your post. The ups and downs, mostly downs these days and pushing people away and wanting to just give up because whats the point or its too much of a struggle etc.

The only thing that has helped me has been to stay consistent with a private therapist long term, regardless if I can see an end to all this or not I just keep going. We have to. For me having space to tell someone else my thoughts and feelings, getting new perspective on things or just processing my emotions has helped me get more clarity and function a little better. My downs arent as bad and they dont last as long these days.

I think also its helped me just accept things as they are, Autism isnt something that can be fixed but the symptoms can be managed to have a less detrimental affect over us. Just by reacting differently to our feelings and other symptoms we might get. Minimise the damage it can cause.

When it comes to the social side in meetings or training, try (although its dificult I know) to put less pressure on yourself to be sociable. Whats wrong with just sitting and listening and adding something if you want to or feel you can? Not everyone can be super social or the 'main character' at work.  Be the guy who calmly sits back, take it all in and add something worthwhile as and when. Youre an adult, no-one can make you do or say anything.

If anyone has a problem with that they can talk to you about it 1:1, then you could just explain what you find more difficult.

Id definitely say you need an outlet for how you feel, snapping and getting frustrated is exhausting and then you feel bad after, therapy does help or exercise or whatever else- talking about it to your partner if not already doing that.

Mine are 9 and 13

Let me know how that goes as my 9 year old who is AS doesn’t know yet. His brother doesn’t know either. This will be a tough chat to have. 

The fact that you’re worried about things says that you’re a good person and you’ll figure it out. I have to remind myself from time to time that I’m very lucky to have a family. 

Hope you have a better week

Yes i am feeling sad and ashamed. Do feel that I come round quicker talking it through with my partner. Will give meditation a go. Thankyou for kind reply.  Do you mind me asking how old your children are? Mine are 9/10 and wondering how to talk to them about it. I’m worried about the impact on them.

Honestly your partner sounds great and that’s just what you need… a little reminder when when you do lose it. 
I don’t always see it either but on reflection it makes me feel sad. 
Im very lucky that I work for myself so I’m pretty much on my own all day which is good for me. That makes time at home with my partner and children easier I guess but I get very agitated when there’s a lot of different sounds going off at the same time, I usually sneak off into the garage for some quiet time. 

Someone on here gave me some advice about doing meditation, I’ve been doing it for around 3 weeks now and I love it. I discovered a few days ago that when I wake up and do it it has a better effect for me. I am at my most anxious first thing in the morning.

good luck A and be sure to let us know how your getting on 

I’m the same with negativity. Just can’t stop it. Had a good few days this week but not sure if it’s to do with the meds.  Need to come of these now as feeling nauseous etc. I lost it earlier today as it’s been intense day. My partner is supportive and pointed out my behaviour. I just don’t see it in the moment and now that I know i feel ashamed. Am so tired of life. 

Your so welcome.

I had a giggle to myself earlier, I always without realising pick out flaws in what my wife is saying as well as correct her. Is this an autistic thing?? She said I always have a negative response but I think I’m just being factual and observant. This is something new I’ve learned about myself today. I just cannot stop my mouth blurting it out. 
Hope you’re getting on a little better today?

Thank you both for your kindness. It means a lot to hear back from someone. Still struggling but trying to take a step at a time. 

Hi 

Being honest I battle with myself in a very similar situation every day. I am married with 2 boys and one of which is autistic. I guess I do come across to my wife as short and emotionless but I don’t mean to appear that way. I am hyper empathetic as well which make it worse as I can literally feel tension, sadness and happiness but it presents itself in the same way to me (teary and sad) it also makes me feel so guilty. Do you always recognise that you are snappy at the time you’re doing it or is it when your family bring it up and tell you? I only ask because we can be taken as being rude or short with people when actually we are ok? 
It does seem you have a lot of pressure on yourself and I can relate to that in exactly the same way. I feel like there is no way out sometimes but you must tell yourself that change doesn’t have to happen instantly. Set yourself small goals and work towards that ideal. I have recently started doing meditation which has helped me regulate myself and just feel a little more comfortable. 
Is your partner supportive with you being divergent? Could you both set some rules about things that may trigger you or perhaps you have half an hour quiet time to yourself after your working day? 
I have an awful long way to go in my journey and have often thought to myself that I would be better on my own but I really don’t think that is the way to go. We need to keep trying to be part of this world, even if we don’t fit into it particularly well. 

I do wish you good luck in the future and please stay positive 

Hi,

I'm no professional, nor am I an example of an outstanding life, but I have struggled, and still do at times, with many of the same things you describe.

I won't pretend to have advice that will change your life, but I do hope my story might help you gain some perspective and maybe make you feel a bit less alone in your struggle.

I'm a woman in my thirties, I don't have any children, so I cannot even begin to imagine the responsibility you might feel having a family depending on you, but I do have a partner, who I deeply love and has been with me since I was 19.

The autism diagnosis came only very recently and has helped put a name on things and give my partner more tools to gain perspective, but for a long time, I used to think about my life with many of the same words you wrote.

From age 22 up until 27, I worked a job which seemed rather easy and pleasant from the outside but was truly hard and incredibly stressful for me.

At the time, I was living in Australia and I got this job to get myself and my partner a visa, but mostly to one day gain citizenship.

I used to manage a team of 10 and work in a customer service-related field, so you can imagine, social interactions were at the core of my job, for which I was not at all suited.

Staff hated me deeply because my weirdness was interpreted as being aloof and not caring about others, customers did not like me, but the boss kept me because I was extremely good at running the business and improved the systems so that he was still getting a great profit.

I promised my partner I would do my best to get the damn visa, and so I was stuck in this soul-sucking endeavor for years. Sure enough, the visa proposal came, documents took time to get sorted, and I stuck with it, not because I wanted to, but because leaving this job would have meant breaking an important promise, and definitely losing my partner.

During all this process, I was also gaslit into believing I was just being dramatic, and my exhaustion and depression were not possibly linked to my job, and I allowed it to happen. I came to not believe my own thoughts and feelings and started to question my mental sanity.

I did not get the damn visa in the end, the law changed and I lost eligibility. The day of the news I was ecstatic, and I remember the weirdness of pretending to be upset, because it was the reaction everyone expected.

During those years, I felt so moody for so long I came to believe I actually was a horrible person. I truly believed I was at my core: negative, hostile, distrusting, nervous, anxious, unhappy, whiny, and childish. I believed I was not worthy of being loved, liked, or befriended and lived a truly miserable life.

Things changed dramatically the day I was finally allowed to have a plan B. I didn't leave that job immediately, it took one more year, but the moment I allowed myself to start working towards that change an incredible burden was lifted from me.

Things are not all sunshine and rainbows now, but the horrible feeling about myself slowly passed, I did go through a major bout of depression along the way, but I think I was just extremely overwhelmed. I was just too tired and stressed, and it's normal to feel the way you do, to have ups and downs, and to take a long time to find oneself and get better.

It's not a linear process, it's messy, and rightfully so. When my partner finally understood what I lived through my eyes, he got it. He and I both believe anyone would have struggled badly if they had to go through this.

So, cut yourself some slack, it's normal for this life to feel hard, and heavy, because it is. But we are capable of enduring it even when it feels like we are not, we suffer deeply but we can endure it, don't give up, you can bounce back.

I would suggest being realistic, this might last a long time still, we cannot just magically change our lives, but we can slowly start to work towards a better idea of our future, holding on to the notion that in suffering and hardship there's deep meaning to be found.

The fact that you are questioning your actions and feel a misalignment tells me that there is one. You don't sound at all like the horrible person you feel like, you sound like an extremely overwhelmed one, who's trying so hard to conform to everyone else's expectations at the cost of your own well-being, and this is a very selfless act in itself.

Try, if you can, to prioritize your sleep, hydrate, and eat well. Try and give yourself the time and space to decompress from time to time. Take a bit longer in the bathroom, the longer way home, whatever you can fit in your life in order to regulate your nervous system. It might seem likesomething so small compared to everything else, but these very tiny steps you can try to improve upon and pat yourself on the shoulder for them.

What you are feeling is not a sign of your character, but the sign that this world is really badly suited to anyone too different from the norm. Neurological overwhelm is real and takes a big toll on our bodies and minds; treat yourself like you would someone who's actually doing something really, really hard. I've also been an athlete before injuring myself and starting this job, and I can tell you for a fact that training with the boxing Olympic team and getting punched in the face felt easy compared to this.

I'm cheering for you, and if you're the kind of person who prefers to win because you have to prove someone wrong, use that as fuel. We could use another champ on this team.

I hope I'll hear your story in a few years and it will help someone else get through it and find a way forward.