Published on 12, July, 2020
Just recently been diagnosed late with Autism. All my life has felt been on a rollercoaster with depression. The downs are not getting any better and since the last year I have felt like giving up as the mood swings are just getting out of control and effecting relationships within the family. I have a job but hate it so much but being the main earner I can’t give it up the family depend on my wage. I have no clue what else I can do so feel stuck. I feel sick with dread every day dealing with meetings etc. When I’m working on day to day stuff I seem to feel ok because it routine and processed driven and familiar. But when it’s development training or meetings I struggle with the social side. At home I’m struggling being a parent and partner because of being up and down. Easily irritable and find I get more and more frustrated/angry and snapping too much. Everything just feels so hard these days. Even seeing a psychiatrists which help for short time but i feel so trapped and stuck I just don’t see an end or a future. Sorry if not making sense. My partner has tried so hard but I keep pushing people away but I don’t know why I do this. When I’m on a up things are fine but they don’t last and it’s just getting so hard to carry on living. I don’t know why I’m horrible and pushing away. I feel so lost.
Hi
Being honest I battle with myself in a very similar situation every day. I am married with 2 boys and one of which is autistic. I guess I do come across to my wife as short and emotionless but I don’t mean to appear that way. I am hyper empathetic as well which make it worse as I can literally feel tension, sadness and happiness but it presents itself in the same way to me (teary and sad) it also makes me feel so guilty. Do you always recognise that you are snappy at the time you’re doing it or is it when your family bring it up and tell you? I only ask because we can be taken as being rude or short with people when actually we are ok? It does seem you have a lot of pressure on yourself and I can relate to that in exactly the same way. I feel like there is no way out sometimes but you must tell yourself that change doesn’t have to happen instantly. Set yourself small goals and work towards that ideal. I have recently started doing meditation which has helped me regulate myself and just feel a little more comfortable. Is your partner supportive with you being divergent? Could you both set some rules about things that may trigger you or perhaps you have half an hour quiet time to yourself after your working day? I have an awful long way to go in my journey and have often thought to myself that I would be better on my own but I really don’t think that is the way to go. We need to keep trying to be part of this world, even if we don’t fit into it particularly well.
I do wish you good luck in the future and please stay positive
Thank you both for your kindness. It means a lot to hear back from someone. Still struggling but trying to take a step at a time.