Published on 12, July, 2020
Just recently been diagnosed late with Autism. All my life has felt been on a rollercoaster with depression. The downs are not getting any better and since the last year I have felt like giving up as the mood swings are just getting out of control and effecting relationships within the family. I have a job but hate it so much but being the main earner I can’t give it up the family depend on my wage. I have no clue what else I can do so feel stuck. I feel sick with dread every day dealing with meetings etc. When I’m working on day to day stuff I seem to feel ok because it routine and processed driven and familiar. But when it’s development training or meetings I struggle with the social side. At home I’m struggling being a parent and partner because of being up and down. Easily irritable and find I get more and more frustrated/angry and snapping too much. Everything just feels so hard these days. Even seeing a psychiatrists which help for short time but i feel so trapped and stuck I just don’t see an end or a future. Sorry if not making sense. My partner has tried so hard but I keep pushing people away but I don’t know why I do this. When I’m on a up things are fine but they don’t last and it’s just getting so hard to carry on living. I don’t know why I’m horrible and pushing away. I feel so lost.
Hi, I really relate to your post. The ups and downs, mostly downs these days and pushing people away and wanting to just give up because whats the point or its too much of a struggle etc.
The only thing that has helped me has been to stay consistent with a private therapist long term, regardless if I can see an end to all this or not I just keep going. We have to. For me having space to tell someone else my thoughts and feelings, getting new perspective on things or just processing my emotions has helped me get more clarity and function a little better. My downs arent as bad and they dont last as long these days.
I think also its helped me just accept things as they are, Autism isnt something that can be fixed but the symptoms can be managed to have a less detrimental affect over us. Just by reacting differently to our feelings and other symptoms we might get. Minimise the damage it can cause.
When it comes to the social side in meetings or training, try (although its dificult I know) to put less pressure on yourself to be sociable. Whats wrong with just sitting and listening and adding something if you want to or feel you can? Not everyone can be super social or the 'main character' at work. Be the guy who calmly sits back, take it all in and add something worthwhile as and when. Youre an adult, no-one can make you do or say anything.
If anyone has a problem with that they can talk to you about it 1:1, then you could just explain what you find more difficult.
Id definitely say you need an outlet for how you feel, snapping and getting frustrated is exhausting and then you feel bad after, therapy does help or exercise or whatever else- talking about it to your partner if not already doing that.