Feeling lost

Hi,

I'm no professional, nor am I an example of an outstanding life, but I have struggled, and still do at times, with many of the same things you describe.

I won't pretend to have advice that will change your life, but I do hope my story might help you gain some perspective and maybe make you feel a bit less alone in your struggle.

I'm a woman in my thirties, I don't have any children, so I cannot even begin to imagine the responsibility you might feel having a family depending on you, but I do have a partner, who I deeply love and has been with me since I was 19.

The autism diagnosis came only very recently and has helped put a name on things and give my partner more tools to gain perspective, but for a long time, I used to think about my life with many of the same words you wrote.

From age 22 up until 27, I worked a job which seemed rather easy and pleasant from the outside but was truly hard and incredibly stressful for me.

At the time, I was living in Australia and I got this job to get myself and my partner a visa, but mostly to one day gain citizenship.

I used to manage a team of 10 and work in a customer service-related field, so you can imagine, social interactions were at the core of my job, for which I was not at all suited.

Staff hated me deeply because my weirdness was interpreted as being aloof and not caring about others, customers did not like me, but the boss kept me because I was extremely good at running the business and improved the systems so that he was still getting a great profit.

I promised my partner I would do my best to get the damn visa, and so I was stuck in this soul-sucking endeavor for years. Sure enough, the visa proposal came, documents took time to get sorted, and I stuck with it, not because I wanted to, but because leaving this job would have meant breaking an important promise, and definitely losing my partner.

During all this process, I was also gaslit into believing I was just being dramatic, and my exhaustion and depression were not possibly linked to my job, and I allowed it to happen. I came to not believe my own thoughts and feelings and started to question my mental sanity.

I did not get the damn visa in the end, the law changed and I lost eligibility. The day of the news I was ecstatic, and I remember the weirdness of pretending to be upset, because it was the reaction everyone expected.

During those years, I felt so moody for so long I came to believe I actually was a horrible person. I truly believed I was at my core: negative, hostile, distrusting, nervous, anxious, unhappy, whiny, and childish. I believed I was not worthy of being loved, liked, or befriended and lived a truly miserable life.

Things changed dramatically the day I was finally allowed to have a plan B. I didn't leave that job immediately, it took one more year, but the moment I allowed myself to start working towards that change an incredible burden was lifted from me.

Things are not all sunshine and rainbows now, but the horrible feeling about myself slowly passed, I did go through a major bout of depression along the way, but I think I was just extremely overwhelmed. I was just too tired and stressed, and it's normal to feel the way you do, to have ups and downs, and to take a long time to find oneself and get better.

It's not a linear process, it's messy, and rightfully so. When my partner finally understood what I lived through my eyes, he got it. He and I both believe anyone would have struggled badly if they had to go through this.

So, cut yourself some slack, it's normal for this life to feel hard, and heavy, because it is. But we are capable of enduring it even when it feels like we are not, we suffer deeply but we can endure it, don't give up, you can bounce back.

I would suggest being realistic, this might last a long time still, we cannot just magically change our lives, but we can slowly start to work towards a better idea of our future, holding on to the notion that in suffering and hardship there's deep meaning to be found.

The fact that you are questioning your actions and feel a misalignment tells me that there is one. You don't sound at all like the horrible person you feel like, you sound like an extremely overwhelmed one, who's trying so hard to conform to everyone else's expectations at the cost of your own well-being, and this is a very selfless act in itself.

Try, if you can, to prioritize your sleep, hydrate, and eat well. Try and give yourself the time and space to decompress from time to time. Take a bit longer in the bathroom, the longer way home, whatever you can fit in your life in order to regulate your nervous system. It might seem likesomething so small compared to everything else, but these very tiny steps you can try to improve upon and pat yourself on the shoulder for them.

What you are feeling is not a sign of your character, but the sign that this world is really badly suited to anyone too different from the norm. Neurological overwhelm is real and takes a big toll on our bodies and minds; treat yourself like you would someone who's actually doing something really, really hard. I've also been an athlete before injuring myself and starting this job, and I can tell you for a fact that training with the boxing Olympic team and getting punched in the face felt easy compared to this.

I'm cheering for you, and if you're the kind of person who prefers to win because you have to prove someone wrong, use that as fuel. We could use another champ on this team.

I hope I'll hear your story in a few years and it will help someone else get through it and find a way forward.

Hi,

I'm no professional, nor am I an example of an outstanding life, but I have struggled, and still do at times, with many of the same things you describe.

I won't pretend to have advice that will change your life, but I do hope my story might help you gain some perspective and maybe make you feel a bit less alone in your struggle.

I'm a woman in my thirties, I don't have any children, so I cannot even begin to imagine the responsibility you might feel having a family depending on you, but I do have a partner, who I deeply love and has been with me since I was 19.

The autism diagnosis came only very recently and has helped put a name on things and give my partner more tools to gain perspective, but for a long time, I used to think about my life with many of the same words you wrote.

From age 22 up until 27, I worked a job which seemed rather easy and pleasant from the outside but was truly hard and incredibly stressful for me.

At the time, I was living in Australia and I got this job to get myself and my partner a visa, but mostly to one day gain citizenship.

I used to manage a team of 10 and work in a customer service-related field, so you can imagine, social interactions were at the core of my job, for which I was not at all suited.

Staff hated me deeply because my weirdness was interpreted as being aloof and not caring about others, customers did not like me, but the boss kept me because I was extremely good at running the business and improved the systems so that he was still getting a great profit.

I promised my partner I would do my best to get the damn visa, and so I was stuck in this soul-sucking endeavor for years. Sure enough, the visa proposal came, documents took time to get sorted, and I stuck with it, not because I wanted to, but because leaving this job would have meant breaking an important promise, and definitely losing my partner.

During all this process, I was also gaslit into believing I was just being dramatic, and my exhaustion and depression were not possibly linked to my job, and I allowed it to happen. I came to not believe my own thoughts and feelings and started to question my mental sanity.

I did not get the damn visa in the end, the law changed and I lost eligibility. The day of the news I was ecstatic, and I remember the weirdness of pretending to be upset, because it was the reaction everyone expected.

During those years, I felt so moody for so long I came to believe I actually was a horrible person. I truly believed I was at my core: negative, hostile, distrusting, nervous, anxious, unhappy, whiny, and childish. I believed I was not worthy of being loved, liked, or befriended and lived a truly miserable life.

Things changed dramatically the day I was finally allowed to have a plan B. I didn't leave that job immediately, it took one more year, but the moment I allowed myself to start working towards that change an incredible burden was lifted from me.

Things are not all sunshine and rainbows now, but the horrible feeling about myself slowly passed, I did go through a major bout of depression along the way, but I think I was just extremely overwhelmed. I was just too tired and stressed, and it's normal to feel the way you do, to have ups and downs, and to take a long time to find oneself and get better.

It's not a linear process, it's messy, and rightfully so. When my partner finally understood what I lived through my eyes, he got it. He and I both believe anyone would have struggled badly if they had to go through this.

So, cut yourself some slack, it's normal for this life to feel hard, and heavy, because it is. But we are capable of enduring it even when it feels like we are not, we suffer deeply but we can endure it, don't give up, you can bounce back.

I would suggest being realistic, this might last a long time still, we cannot just magically change our lives, but we can slowly start to work towards a better idea of our future, holding on to the notion that in suffering and hardship there's deep meaning to be found.

The fact that you are questioning your actions and feel a misalignment tells me that there is one. You don't sound at all like the horrible person you feel like, you sound like an extremely overwhelmed one, who's trying so hard to conform to everyone else's expectations at the cost of your own well-being, and this is a very selfless act in itself.

Try, if you can, to prioritize your sleep, hydrate, and eat well. Try and give yourself the time and space to decompress from time to time. Take a bit longer in the bathroom, the longer way home, whatever you can fit in your life in order to regulate your nervous system. It might seem likesomething so small compared to everything else, but these very tiny steps you can try to improve upon and pat yourself on the shoulder for them.

What you are feeling is not a sign of your character, but the sign that this world is really badly suited to anyone too different from the norm. Neurological overwhelm is real and takes a big toll on our bodies and minds; treat yourself like you would someone who's actually doing something really, really hard. I've also been an athlete before injuring myself and starting this job, and I can tell you for a fact that training with the boxing Olympic team and getting punched in the face felt easy compared to this.

I'm cheering for you, and if you're the kind of person who prefers to win because you have to prove someone wrong, use that as fuel. We could use another champ on this team.

I hope I'll hear your story in a few years and it will help someone else get through it and find a way forward.