Why is school so hard

Although I think one of the girls, Annie, shows some autistic traits. She does tend to say her mind and speaks in a more neutral voice, shes technical with her words. She also like wayyy pretty and much more popular than me. 

Even if not autistic it does sound as if she is more mature than the rest and could be a potential ally for you. If there is some sort of team assignment in class where you have to work in pairs could you be in the right place at the right time to be paired up with her? I realise that's probably going to be difficult when she's so popular.

It only takes one 'popular' person to speak on your behalf and tell the others "leave her alone, she's ok" and your life at school would be a lot more tolerable.

I discovered that by accident around 14/15 years of age, when school became completely intolerable for me and I began to truant a lot. I'm not suggesting that as a strategy but what happened is the rebels and bullies started to view me as 'one of them' for truanting. One particular girl among them would tell the others to back off. She was popular and respected and they listened to her. I wasn't her friend and never would be but I appreciated that she had the maturity to recognise that I needed someone to speak up for me.

I appreciate you're trying to be helpful but honestly you're wasting your efforts trying to convince me that small talk is worthwhile! It comes across as teaching how to mask.

I'm at the point in my life and my autistic discovery journey where I'm deliberately and purposefully trying to unmask. For me that means no more pointless small talk just because it is expected by society.

I've spent a lifetime making small talk with people purely because it was expected of me. When I asked questions I would end up trapped while the other person droned on about something I hadn't the remotest interest in. Even worse was when they felt obliged to ask me a question back and I did not want to answer.

It's all just so false. If I do genuinely want to get to know someone then I can see it might have a purpose but otherwise it's akin to being deceitful to me.

I want to be my true self. I've come to accept I'm not particularly interested in people and that my natural communication style is not speech. I can speak but I use it extremely sparingly when needed to communicate essential information only.

Some autistic people are not able or choose not to communicate by speech at all. I think that society needs to be more accepting of that, rather than expecting us to mask to fit in. Masking is bad for us and very draining. Too much can lead to burnout and mental health issues. 

Hullabaloo said:

That army guy might have been a shy kid when he was young.

Hm yeah I suppose that could be. I didnt think of that. I just find it hard to know when people are telling the truth because they seem to always say things then just call it sarcasm and me being gullible. Like once someone told me they had a dog, then when I asked its name then they were like "I dont actually have a dog, that was sarcasm. You fall for anything" But I honestly dont see why you would say something like that unless it was true.

Hullabaloo said:

And with the phone incident, I think your classmates noticed a lot more about you than you might have realized, and they spoke up for you, and told other kids which phone was yours, even if there was a mix up that happened, they corrected it. 

Yes I do appreciate that they spoke for me. It surprised me that they noticed though. I notice stuff like that but usually when I talk about it then people are amazed that I noticed. Although I think one of the girls, Annie, shows some autistic traits. She does tend to say her mind and speaks in a more neutral voice, shes technical with her words. She also like wayyy pretty and much more popular than me. 

That army guy might have been a shy kid when he was young. My sister was a very shy kid. She never talked to anyone when she was young, and she was very reserved. But she learned how to socialize in time, and now as an adult, she's very talkative and outgoing, that you would have never known she was once a very shy and quiet kid. 

I think that boys like seeing reactions from people, because they find it funny, but by them approaching you like that, it's making you feel uncomfortable. But it does mean that your classmates do recognize that you struggle with communication.

And with the phone incident, I think your classmates noticed a lot more about you than you might have realized, and they spoke up for you, and told other kids which phone was yours, even if there was a mix up that happened, they corrected it. 

The washroom sink incident, it's kind of uncomfortable to intrude between 6 girls to use the sink, and if I was in school back then,  I would have waited too. It's just too intimidating. 

Heres how my school day went today

Chemistry we were writing empirical formulas which I found very fun. I wish the store sold activity books with empirical formulas and algebra. 

Then choir I had a panic moment when the forum all of a sudden was blocked (I use a school computer) but luckily I refreshed and everything was fine. That was close to meltdown though...

In english my teacher decided to have us do a flight simulator with the army. It was supposed to be a fun surprise but I hated leaving class and not knowing what was going to happen. Then this army guy was asking everybody what they plan on doing after school (trying to convince us to join because theyll pay for college or somthing) and then I was just hoping hed skip me. He asked me "What about you?" then I shrugged and he said "You dont know?", I shake my head no, "Do you talk much?", shake head no, "Are you shy?", nods, "Alright, I can live with that. Im shy too." He was absolutely lying about being shy. He was the most talkative energetic guy ever, and he made friends with the rest of the class as they talked about all sorts of things (like jobs, relationships, sports) and the whole time I was just wondering how they seem to all be so good at socializing. Anyway then it was my turn with the simulator but then I didnt do it because I knew Id mess up.

The second I walked into algebra, this boy Drew made eye contact with me and immediately I was thinking "oh no here we go again.." and then he said "Hey Hannah, did you get your hair done?" I shook my head no, and he said "Oh it looks nice" then I just ignored him as I sat down. That might seem harsh but I knew he was making fun of me. I wasnt able to shower last night so my hair looks awful and also hes always making fun of me by saying something "nice" but laughing about my reaction after. Rest of class was good though, got to do algebra so of course it was.

Piano was fine, not much happened.

Lunch I dropped my stuff off at my table and went into the bathrooms. When I tried to wash my hands there was 6 girls all crowded by the sinks. I just stayed kind of back while waiting for them to finish then this one girl noticed me and said "Oh sorry" she moved and "you could say excuse me". I probably shouldve said excuse me like a normal person would but I have never said those words in my life. I dont even know if id be able to form the sounds right. Plus I was fine waiting. Then for the rest of lunch I just was on my computer the rest of the time and hoped a lunch lady wouldnt ask my why I didnt get any lunch for the 3rd day.

Psychology I got a Jolly Rancher (thats candy. Idk if its a thing in the UK) because I was the only one to put my phone in the phone cubby without the teacher asking. Except the weird thing is when the teacher asked "whos phone is back there?" I didnt raise my hand because I was worried that what if I think I put my phone back but it was actually someone elses phone then I would have lied. But then a good handful of kids said "thats Hannahs". How did they know what my phone looked like?? I mean I do have a Frozen phone case but I hardly use my phone so how did they recognise it? But to make it even weirder someone asked if this boy would get her phone and he thought she said #4 instead of #14 so he grabbed my phone on accident, then she said "thats not my phone" "didnt you say 4?" "no 14" then a girl said "I think #4 is Hannahs" I am just confused how the whole class knows my phone

Then government was fine

And finally school was over but as I was waiting at my locker this boy said "hi" and I just did a single nod as my eyes twitched (I dont know what responce that was). Hes the kid who calls me a robot and made a bet with his friend for $8 if I would talk. 

Autonomistic said:

Small talk is ultimately pointless and a waste of time. Unless you actually want to get to know that person it seems false.

I know that small talk seems pointless and like a waste of time,  and not to mention that it's really, really, REALLY boring, and I'd rather be doing other things with my time, but yes, to talk to someone is to show that you are interested enough in getting to know them. And small talk is just a general topic that the other person will most likely have some kind of input on. 

And after using small talk for awhile, I've realized that it's not the small talk that really matters to people, because those topics are forgettable, but it's the time spent with the person, that you are showing that person that they have some kind of value to you, enough that you are willing to take the time to talk with them and listen to them. That's what matters in forming connections with people. And even though I have social deficiencies, and people I talk to may notice, they don't mind after some time, because they get used to it. I've even met some ND people at work through talking with them.  

Autonomistic said:

Once I'd exhausted my script I wouldn't be able to think of anything else to say.

I usually practice general questions to ask a person, and if they say a topic, I'll ask into that topic, even if I admit that I don't know much about that topic, they are more than willing to explain it to me, as if they always wanted to share that information with others, but never got the opportunity to. And I like learning new things, so it's a good trade off. 

But if you realize that you're running out of things to say, just end the conversation by saying "Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to go," and just saying your goodbyes before leaving. 

Yeah, you can use it anywhere you feel comfortable, and if you feel that you're not up to it, then you don't have to do it, especially if you're feeling unwell. But if you want to try and make a friend, then you can spend a few minutes of your time to talk to someone, and build this connection with them. It's small things like this that build up over time. 

Thank you for all your ideas, I found them helpful. I probably wont use them at school but maybe I could try with someone at my church or maybe ill just wait till I have a job and try it with them. But I will definitely look back at this!

Hullabaloo said:

and ended up giving someone the death stare

Lol Ive done that before

I made social mistakes until I learned what would be reasonable. I mean, I understand the voice pitch thing, and getting the right volume. For practice presentations, there was a exercise, where you placed a stuffed animal seated a meter or two away from you, and then projected your voice to it,  just to practice your vocal pitch, and read the presentation to it.  But I guess similarly, in the case of someone standing close to you,  you could place a stuffed animal next to you,  and try to speaking at different volume levels to practice social engagement.

These things take practice. I mean, I messed up eye contact before, and ended up giving someone the death stare. Lol. Actually I think it happened a few times, before I learned how to tone it down and make it look more natural.

You don't need to necessarily do small talk right away. You could just decide to greet one person, and just take small steps. And if after awhile they seem friendlier to you, you could try to do small talk. I used to be such a nervous person, but then when I was talking to someone, I'd started to try and imagine that I was alone in my room, and I used to talk to myself a lot when I was alone, and apparently, whenever I talked to a person the same way that I'd talk to myself in my room, I would just sound confident, so I just kept using this method, until I could just talk to others normally. I mean, my voice has strange inflections sometimes, but if the other person can understand me, I think that's okay. 

And if you find that any of this is isn't something that you want to do, you don't have to do it. I hope you don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. But I hope that you'll gradually build your social skills and confidence in speaking and interacting with others. Social skills is a skill to build up, just like any other skills in life. 

Autonomistic said:

Masking takes a huge amount of effort and too much can lead to burnout and have a negative impact on your mental health. When you're already struggling with school I think you need to focus your efforts wisely, to achieve the results you want and avoid dropping out.

Oh good point

I agree with you that it would take maximum masking and for what purpose. Small talk is ultimately pointless and a waste of time. Unless you actually want to get to know that person it seems false. It is a NT social ritual and not one you should feel you have to participate in.

Masking takes a huge amount of effort and too much can lead to burnout and have a negative impact on your mental health. When you're already struggling with school I think you need to focus your efforts wisely, to achieve the results you want and avoid dropping out.

Masking small talk can be useful in certain situations in life but don't overdo it. I've tried quite a bit in the past but I can't say it ever got any easier. Once I'd exhausted my script I wouldn't be able to think of anything else to say.

Hullabaloo said:

Is there a reason for you waiting silently there until the other person acknowledges your presence before talking to them? 

Im not sure. I just have trouble starting to talk unless I know I have their attention first. Plus I tend to not know how loud im talking so I either talk too quiet (so then ill have to start over and get flustered once they notice im talking) or I talk to loud and that will catch them off guard. 

How long did it take you to be able to do all that without seeming unnatural?

Aand follow up question.. even if I figure out how to small talk, how do I not freak out while talking to them? It would take like maximum masking to pull that off. I might even make people confused if I talk to them since for years I was always so awkward and quiet.

Well, standing there staring at them until they notice you're there, can come across as a bit spooky. Is there a reason for you waiting silently there until the other person acknowledges your presence before talking to them? 

If you are near someone, just say "hi (their name)" and ask "how are you?" This sounds very basic, but it shows that you acknowledge their presence, and you're being nice to them. If they give a basic response, like "I'm fine" just say "good" and you can either leave them at that point to do other things, or you can stay and make small talk.

If you want to make small talk, just look at what kind of person they are in general. Do they like fashion? Compliment something they are wearing, and ask them where they got it from. Are they into music? Ask them what kind of music they like. Are they into art? Ask them about what kind of shows they like to watch. Ask general things about the person you're talking to, and show a genuine interest in them,  and keep the conversation going, by asking another question, or just sharing your experiences and stories with them (if you're comfortable doing that). But most of the time, they will do most of the talking. If you think that things are getting awkward, I guess you can say "Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to go, " and then leave. 

If you just have an important question about school work or something, after you've said hi and asked them "how are you" and heard their response, just say "I have a question..." and this just prepares their mind for the question, before you ask the actual question itself. And after they answered, just thank them, and you can leave at this point and go about your day doing other things. 

Honestly right now im kinda scared but thats a different thing and im not going to talk about it. But thank you 

How are you now FH?

Please talk to us here if you need to. No one will judge you and we all understand. I recall my school, it was a horrible time and a constant overload. 

Be kind to yourself and don't stop talking about things when you need to.

Hullabaloo said:

unless you have not sent those replies yet?

I sent them 2 days ago

How do you get the conversation started? Do you just walk up to them and start talking? Usually I just stand next to someone and stare at them till they acknowledge my presence then I say what I need to, but I feel like thats probably an awkward start especially if im just going to do small talk.

I see this post you made as a reply to me. I don't see the other replies to other people though, unless you have not sent those replies yet?

Well, the things I wrote above took some time to figure out. Basically, greet them, make small talk, and compliment them sometimes. After awhile, the person will be the one to take the next step, and be more open and honest with you. That's about it.  Maybe exchange contact info if you want a longer term friendship with them. 

That is helpful. Seems difficult though 

Edit: Wait can you all see this? I didnt get notified that it was marked as spam but my other posts werent fixed yet so im confused.. Hopefuly my spam posts come though because I wrote a responce to each of you but I was waiting for it to send once I was un-spamed

I learned that you can't depend on NT to break the ice, because they don't like the awkwardness and the nervousness that comes from doing that. So I learned to be the instigator, to greet them, share something positive with them,  make small talk that's interesting, and listen to any stories they have, but don't go into sharing negative things, not yet anyways.  

Now, if they feel comfortable with you, which might take some time to happen, they'll start feeling comfortable enough to share the negative parts of their day or life with you, and it's a sign that they trust you enough to open up to you about those negative things, so you can just take a moment to listen to them and affirm that yes, that was a bad day, and just let them vent, and they'll eventually feel better. And then if you're feeling negative one day,  they'll be more willing to listen to you. I hope this helps, 

How were you never caught? We have security cameras everywhere and the teacher takes attendance before each class so id be caught before I even got off school grounds.

Caelus said:

the grades you get actually dont mean anything at all in the real world and you dont learn anything anyway and any grade given is false and made up.

Grades only mean something if you want to get to college I think.

I do think we learn stuff. Maybe not stuff like how to cook, pay taxes, and other life skills, but we do learn maths and parts of speech (ugh I suck at parts of speech. why do we even need to know what part of our sentence is a predicate adverb? Idek if a predicate adverb is a thing lol) I do like learning, I find it fun

Grades are usually based on a rubric so the only way its random is if you have Mr S my english teacher. He actually put all out essays through an AI grading website and put whatever grade it scored.. And he is just... well ive complained about him before so I wont do that again