Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
Heres how my school day went today
Chemistry we were writing empirical formulas which I found very fun. I wish the store sold activity books with empirical formulas and algebra.
Then choir I had a panic moment when the forum all of a sudden was blocked (I use a school computer) but luckily I refreshed and everything was fine. That was close to meltdown though...
In english my teacher decided to have us do a flight simulator with the army. It was supposed to be a fun surprise but I hated leaving class and not knowing what was going to happen. Then this army guy was asking everybody what they plan on doing after school (trying to convince us to join because theyll pay for college or somthing) and then I was just hoping hed skip me. He asked me "What about you?" then I shrugged and he said "You dont know?", I shake my head no, "Do you talk much?", shake head no, "Are you shy?", nods, "Alright, I can live with that. Im shy too." He was absolutely lying about being shy. He was the most talkative energetic guy ever, and he made friends with the rest of the class as they talked about all sorts of things (like jobs, relationships, sports) and the whole time I was just wondering how they seem to all be so good at socializing. Anyway then it was my turn with the simulator but then I didnt do it because I knew Id mess up.
The second I walked into algebra, this boy Drew made eye contact with me and immediately I was thinking "oh no here we go again.." and then he said "Hey Hannah, did you get your hair done?" I shook my head no, and he said "Oh it looks nice" then I just ignored him as I sat down. That might seem harsh but I knew he was making fun of me. I wasnt able to shower last night so my hair looks awful and also hes always making fun of me by saying something "nice" but laughing about my reaction after. Rest of class was good though, got to do algebra so of course it was.
Piano was fine, not much happened.
Lunch I dropped my stuff off at my table and went into the bathrooms. When I tried to wash my hands there was 6 girls all crowded by the sinks. I just stayed kind of back while waiting for them to finish then this one girl noticed me and said "Oh sorry" she moved and "you could say excuse me". I probably shouldve said excuse me like a normal person would but I have never said those words in my life. I dont even know if id be able to form the sounds right. Plus I was fine waiting. Then for the rest of lunch I just was on my computer the rest of the time and hoped a lunch lady wouldnt ask my why I didnt get any lunch for the 3rd day.
Psychology I got a Jolly Rancher (thats candy. Idk if its a thing in the UK) because I was the only one to put my phone in the phone cubby without the teacher asking. Except the weird thing is when the teacher asked "whos phone is back there?" I didnt raise my hand because I was worried that what if I think I put my phone back but it was actually someone elses phone then I would have lied. But then a good handful of kids said "thats Hannahs". How did they know what my phone looked like?? I mean I do have a Frozen phone case but I hardly use my phone so how did they recognise it? But to make it even weirder someone asked if this boy would get her phone and he thought she said #4 instead of #14 so he grabbed my phone on accident, then she said "thats not my phone" "didnt you say 4?" "no 14" then a girl said "I think #4 is Hannahs" I am just confused how the whole class knows my phone
Then government was fine
And finally school was over but as I was waiting at my locker this boy said "hi" and I just did a single nod as my eyes twitched (I dont know what responce that was). Hes the kid who calls me a robot and made a bet with his friend for $8 if I would talk.
That army guy might have been a shy kid when he was young. My sister was a very shy kid. She never talked to anyone when she was young, and she was very reserved. But she learned how to socialize in time, and now as an adult, she's very talkative and outgoing, that you would have never known she was once a very shy and quiet kid.
I think that boys like seeing reactions from people, because they find it funny, but by them approaching you like that, it's making you feel uncomfortable. But it does mean that your classmates do recognize that you struggle with communication.
And with the phone incident, I think your classmates noticed a lot more about you than you might have realized, and they spoke up for you, and told other kids which phone was yours, even if there was a mix up that happened, they corrected it.
The washroom sink incident, it's kind of uncomfortable to intrude between 6 girls to use the sink, and if I was in school back then, I would have waited too. It's just too intimidating.