Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
I learned that you can't depend on NT to break the ice, because they don't like the awkwardness and the nervousness that comes from doing that. So I learned to be the instigator, to greet them, share something positive with them, make small talk that's interesting, and listen to any stories they have, but don't go into sharing negative things, not yet anyways.
Now, if they feel comfortable with you, which might take some time to happen, they'll start feeling comfortable enough to share the negative parts of their day or life with you, and it's a sign that they trust you enough to open up to you about those negative things, so you can just take a moment to listen to them and affirm that yes, that was a bad day, and just let them vent, and they'll eventually feel better. And then if you're feeling negative one day, they'll be more willing to listen to you. I hope this helps,
That is helpful. Seems difficult though
Edit: Wait can you all see this? I didnt get notified that it was marked as spam but my other posts werent fixed yet so im confused.. Hopefuly my spam posts come though because I wrote a responce to each of you but I was waiting for it to send once I was un-spamed
I see this post you made as a reply to me. I don't see the other replies to other people though, unless you have not sent those replies yet?
Well, the things I wrote above took some time to figure out. Basically, greet them, make small talk, and compliment them sometimes. After awhile, the person will be the one to take the next step, and be more open and honest with you. That's about it. Maybe exchange contact info if you want a longer term friendship with them.
I appreciate you're trying to be helpful but honestly you're wasting your efforts trying to convince me that small talk is worthwhile! It comes across as teaching how to mask.
I'm at the point in my life and my autistic discovery journey where I'm deliberately and purposefully trying to unmask. For me that means no more pointless small talk just because it is expected by society.
I've spent a lifetime making small talk with people purely because it was expected of me. When I asked questions I would end up trapped while the other person droned on about something I hadn't the remotest interest in. Even worse was when they felt obliged to ask me a question back and I did not want to answer.
It's all just so false. If I do genuinely want to get to know someone then I can see it might have a purpose but otherwise it's akin to being deceitful to me.
I want to be my true self. I've come to accept I'm not particularly interested in people and that my natural communication style is not speech. I can speak but I use it extremely sparingly when needed to communicate essential information only.
Some autistic people are not able or choose not to communicate by speech at all. I think that society needs to be more accepting of that, rather than expecting us to mask to fit in. Masking is bad for us and very draining. Too much can lead to burnout and mental health issues.
Autonomistic said:Small talk is ultimately pointless and a waste of time. Unless you actually want to get to know that person it seems false.
I know that small talk seems pointless and like a waste of time, and not to mention that it's really, really, REALLY boring, and I'd rather be doing other things with my time, but yes, to talk to someone is to show that you are interested enough in getting to know them. And small talk is just a general topic that the other person will most likely have some kind of input on.
And after using small talk for awhile, I've realized that it's not the small talk that really matters to people, because those topics are forgettable, but it's the time spent with the person, that you are showing that person that they have some kind of value to you, enough that you are willing to take the time to talk with them and listen to them. That's what matters in forming connections with people. And even though I have social deficiencies, and people I talk to may notice, they don't mind after some time, because they get used to it. I've even met some ND people at work through talking with them.
Autonomistic said:Once I'd exhausted my script I wouldn't be able to think of anything else to say.
I usually practice general questions to ask a person, and if they say a topic, I'll ask into that topic, even if I admit that I don't know much about that topic, they are more than willing to explain it to me, as if they always wanted to share that information with others, but never got the opportunity to. And I like learning new things, so it's a good trade off.
But if you realize that you're running out of things to say, just end the conversation by saying "Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to go," and just saying your goodbyes before leaving.
Yeah, you can use it anywhere you feel comfortable, and if you feel that you're not up to it, then you don't have to do it, especially if you're feeling unwell. But if you want to try and make a friend, then you can spend a few minutes of your time to talk to someone, and build this connection with them. It's small things like this that build up over time.
Thank you for all your ideas, I found them helpful. I probably wont use them at school but maybe I could try with someone at my church or maybe ill just wait till I have a job and try it with them. But I will definitely look back at this!
Hullabaloo said:and ended up giving someone the death stare
Lol Ive done that before
I made social mistakes until I learned what would be reasonable. I mean, I understand the voice pitch thing, and getting the right volume. For practice presentations, there was a exercise, where you placed a stuffed animal seated a meter or two away from you, and then projected your voice to it, just to practice your vocal pitch, and read the presentation to it. But I guess similarly, in the case of someone standing close to you, you could place a stuffed animal next to you, and try to speaking at different volume levels to practice social engagement.
These things take practice. I mean, I messed up eye contact before, and ended up giving someone the death stare. Lol. Actually I think it happened a few times, before I learned how to tone it down and make it look more natural.
You don't need to necessarily do small talk right away. You could just decide to greet one person, and just take small steps. And if after awhile they seem friendlier to you, you could try to do small talk. I used to be such a nervous person, but then when I was talking to someone, I'd started to try and imagine that I was alone in my room, and I used to talk to myself a lot when I was alone, and apparently, whenever I talked to a person the same way that I'd talk to myself in my room, I would just sound confident, so I just kept using this method, until I could just talk to others normally. I mean, my voice has strange inflections sometimes, but if the other person can understand me, I think that's okay.
And if you find that any of this is isn't something that you want to do, you don't have to do it. I hope you don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. But I hope that you'll gradually build your social skills and confidence in speaking and interacting with others. Social skills is a skill to build up, just like any other skills in life.