Self-harm during meltdowns (obvious TW: self-harm - inc. brief mention of some methods)

No, it's okay, the support and solidarity alone is helpful sometimes! Timing is definitely the key, being able to intercept and know what to do earlier on seems to be important, I've no idea what can be done once I reach full meltdown levels - other than be physically restrained by my friends, seemingly! 

Queer Autistic Grunge said:

I think that once it's reached meltdown levels, talking is out of the question

Understood, timing seems key. Talking only helps me when I'm not in the pit. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

I think sometimes all of the things you have mentioned come under 'self-harm' and sometimes people categorise deliberate hurting oneself in the form of cutting/burning/whatever as 'self-injury', but they're colloquially just used interchangeably. 

I do plenty of talking, and I'm really glad it helps you. I've not found talking to be enough for me yet, unfortunately, though I do appreciate the people who put in a lot of time to support me. I think that once it's reached meltdown levels, talking is out of the question - probably the answer lies in intervening earlier so I don't reach such awful levels of meltdown where I'm tearing at myself! 

Thank you for replying to show support, I really appreciate it. I wish you all the very best as well. 

I've wanted to reply to show some support but I worry I'm not smart enough to avoid writing anything that might be inadvertantly damaging to others but I'll try, keeping it general.

I have similar experiences and self harmed quite a bit over the years, not just cutting but things I've come to realise are similar to self harm (or perhaps just 'are' self harm) like drinking a lot, eating too much and smoking heavily.

I haven't been able to entirely stop yet, but all I can say is for me, just reaching out talking to people who are trustworthy and asking genuinely for help - was an important first step. It was uncomfortable and I never exactly got the words out right to explain myself but people understood enough to help.

I really do wish you well.

Best of luck, I hope you can resolve it and don't have to deal with another meltdown! 

Thanks. Yes I pretty much spent yesterday recovering, and will be doing the same today too. Hoping I can resolve the cause soon before another inevitable meltdown.

I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, I'm sure they don't look the same to others as they do to you. Scratching and picking at skin is also a challenge, probably a stress thing - at least, it is for me. I'm sorry you struggle with that as well. 

I'm sorry you struggle with it too, first one that bad in 3 years sounds intense. I hope you've been able to rest today. 

Luckily I'm not affected by meltdowns in that way. However I do pick and scratch at my skin quite a lot, mostly on my upper arms. When that has been worse it has extended into attacking my skin with a compass. To the extent that I am disgusted by the appearance and texture of all the scars, and I feel ashamed when I wear short sleeves. I really, really want to stop doing this. I wish I'd never started and it's somehow addictive.

Yes, I’ve always head-banged and pulled my hair when having a meltdown (the most recent was yesterday) and suffering from real bad headaches today. This was probably my first meltdown to this severity for around 3 years

Thanks for the sympathy Dawn, it does really suck. Our emotions definitely get raw and yes you're right about commuinication.

TW: Suicide
I actually ended up standing on a bridge sobbing on Tuesday, wanting to jump, and that was mostly triggered because of communication issues and feeling like nobody will ever understand me properly. My tone of voice and way I say things is often misunderstood, even by other autistic people, and I just find it really hard ending up in interpersonal difficulties or not being heard fully as a result. 

Autism does seem to make self-harm different. Not always, for me, but sometimes. If I'm self-harming in a meltdown then it looks different to when I'm not in a meltdown and I imagine outside of the meltdown is probably more similar to the way NTs self-harm, but how would I know I suppose! 

Therapy is integrative. My (private) therapist isn't an autism specialist, but she is amazing. I've been seeing her since 2019 and we have a great working relationship and a hell of a lot of trust. She's very willing to adapt things and learn and grow, and goes away and looks into things and makes suggestions which might be autistic-friendly, she's really reflective too and keen on me having autonomy in the therapy. I only got diagnosed as autistic in 2020, and then the pandemic screwed things up for me massively with my mental health, and then I've spent most of this year in the worst suicidal crisis I've had in 20 years of poor mental health... So we've not actually had loads of time to work all of this out and put things in place, but we have worked out a more tailored meltdown plan (but that only works if it's possible to intervene early enough in the process) as well as some other adaptions which help. 

There are probably loads of triggers, but I'm not sure whether much of it can be changed. I can't do much about work stress because I need to work full-time regardless and I can't stop all of the changes which happen there - they're pretty supportive overall but things have changed so much that it's almost unrecognisable to me. I can't really change stress from studying if I want to get my degree (but have a disability profile and whatnot, and postponed my last assignment this year when I was really unwell). I did move house and so my environment is better now, but even that is changing outside of my control because my flatmate is leaving in September so I'm going to have to find someone else which is really scary in a 2-person flat. Then there are interpersonal difficulties which just crop up as part of being a human, so there's not a huge amount I can do there either. 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I just feel a bit stuck and I'm not sure where to go or who to ask for. The CMHT won't help me unless I stop seeing my private therapist, and I refuse to do that, and unless they're going to offer me DBT therapy then I'm not interested anyway. I wonder whether an OT would be someone who might be able to help, but I'm not sure enough about what they do to know whether that's a thing I could legitimately ask about (despite potentially wanting to go into it myself one day!!). 

Thank you Anna, I'll check that out. :)

I've only experienced this in head banging meltdown due to medical stressors, but feeling for you.

Our emotions do get raw and difficult to communicate.

I'm wondering, do you feel heard by those around you? I know it's hard when our voices are inaudible and only our actions scream and then even that is not understood. In so far as that goes the key might be with others, not you.

For what it's worth I do think that self harm in autism is different than for NTs. What therapy do they offer you? Any? Whatever it is this needs to hold Aitism at its core to work.

I find Luke Beardon's equation helpful: Autism + Enviroment = Outcome. With that is there any chance that rather than replace the behaviour; wrist band twanging, a strategy of identifying triggers and reducing or eliminating them might work?

I haven't got magic answers, just musings ...if they help.

Hi Queer Autistic Grunge, you might find the following page has some useful strategies and advice: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/self-harm#How%20do%20I%20get%20help%20for%20self-harm?.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

When I'm in a meltdown or getting towards it, I do find that I sometimes hit my chest or legs with a closed fist fairly hard so that it doesn't damage me but it does hurt a little and get some of it out. The feeling you describe of not being able to cope and needing an off switch is super familiar to me, I think that's the part I need to somehow address. 

My incidences are very short-lived and relatively rare. I get to a state were I cannot cope with how I feel, and self-directed violence is like throwing an 'off switch', and afterwards I can stand being myself again. I used to thump myself in the head or bang my head against door jambs. Now I can exert enough control to open-handedly slap myself instead, I tend to slap my face. It gives the shock that resets my mood, but does not bruise or otherwise damage me more than momentarily.