Published on 12, July, 2020
So this is a bit of a delicate one, obviously, but I just wondered whether anyone else here was a self-harmer, and how it related to their autism, emotional dysregulation and meltdowns. I've been a self-harmer since I was 14, which is now 20 years - mostly by cutting, but occasionally other things as well such as overdoses or burning. During a meltdown, I will also head-bang, wrist-bang, scratch and hit myself and pull my hair out.
I guess I'm just wondering how other people manage their self-harm and whether people had found things which were actually decent alternatives which work for them, or ways to avoid getting to that point. I've heard and tried a lot over the years (e.g. drawing on yourself with pen, holding ice cubes, flicking elastic bands, hitting something else like a pillow), but none of them work. I feel like perhaps those are geared towards people who aren't in an exceedingly uncontrolled emotional state/meltdown and once it gets to that point nothing else helps. I'm also in therapy and have been in and out of it for most of my life now - she's great but I always seem to fall into the same patterns because they're so ingrained at this point.
I suppose I also just want to feel less alone with it. I've known a lot of self-harmers over the years, but none of it has quite been in the same context when it comes to the autistic meltdowns. I'm not sure what I really need from this, I guess, but hopefully some replies might be helpful or at least supportive!
My incidences are very short-lived and relatively rare. I get to a state were I cannot cope with how I feel, and self-directed violence is like throwing an 'off switch', and afterwards I can stand being myself again. I used to thump myself in the head or bang my head against door jambs. Now I can exert enough control to open-handedly slap myself instead, I tend to slap my face. It gives the shock that resets my mood, but does not bruise or otherwise damage me more than momentarily.
When I'm in a meltdown or getting towards it, I do find that I sometimes hit my chest or legs with a closed fist fairly hard so that it doesn't damage me but it does hurt a little and get some of it out. The feeling you describe of not being able to cope and needing an off switch is super familiar to me, I think that's the part I need to somehow address.