Published on 12, July, 2020
So this is a bit of a delicate one, obviously, but I just wondered whether anyone else here was a self-harmer, and how it related to their autism, emotional dysregulation and meltdowns. I've been a self-harmer since I was 14, which is now 20 years - mostly by cutting, but occasionally other things as well such as overdoses or burning. During a meltdown, I will also head-bang, wrist-bang, scratch and hit myself and pull my hair out.
I guess I'm just wondering how other people manage their self-harm and whether people had found things which were actually decent alternatives which work for them, or ways to avoid getting to that point. I've heard and tried a lot over the years (e.g. drawing on yourself with pen, holding ice cubes, flicking elastic bands, hitting something else like a pillow), but none of them work. I feel like perhaps those are geared towards people who aren't in an exceedingly uncontrolled emotional state/meltdown and once it gets to that point nothing else helps. I'm also in therapy and have been in and out of it for most of my life now - she's great but I always seem to fall into the same patterns because they're so ingrained at this point.
I suppose I also just want to feel less alone with it. I've known a lot of self-harmers over the years, but none of it has quite been in the same context when it comes to the autistic meltdowns. I'm not sure what I really need from this, I guess, but hopefully some replies might be helpful or at least supportive!
Luckily I'm not affected by meltdowns in that way. However I do pick and scratch at my skin quite a lot, mostly on my upper arms. When that has been worse it has extended into attacking my skin with a compass. To the extent that I am disgusted by the appearance and texture of all the scars, and I feel ashamed when I wear short sleeves. I really, really want to stop doing this. I wish I'd never started and it's somehow addictive.
I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, I'm sure they don't look the same to others as they do to you. Scratching and picking at skin is also a challenge, probably a stress thing - at least, it is for me. I'm sorry you struggle with that as well.