Drowning

thank you

I'm scared to think how it made my mom feel

but I was a very difficult to stop as a kid, only my granpa had influence over me

Wow. You've had so many near-misses, that's incredible that you're still here. Glad you are :-)

So, swimming pool happened when I was 11

Before that I had 2 serious head injuries, I was knocked out for few hours.

First one at age of 5, falling of the ladder (I dragged indoors to explore top of the wardrobe when there was nobody around) that tilted backwards, and i ended hitting back of my head on a corner of the the table, my mom found me unconscious 5h later in a pool of blood, I came back to awareness 3h after that

Second, at age of 10, winter time in February, snow everywhere, after Sunday mass, I run out of church to overtake people leaving and avoid crowds on a way home, it was downhill, with 20 stairs at the bottom of the hill covered with snow, just before crossing the street, I forgot to slow down, and slipped, knocked back of my head on the edge of a step, I woke up 2h later in a pool of blood, all those 500 people attending mass passing by didn't stop to help me, all good christian samaritans, since then I'm agnostic.

after that I'm indestructable, not even my suicide attempt to freeze in a forest worked, I spent 2 days, naked at -30C, hunger made me  go back home, I was 14. we get strange ideas how to do it sometimes, I didn't know yet about my cold resistance

I was hit by motorbike once, and once by car on foot

i was hit by a car overtaking me when cycling twice on a busy road, I fell off the bike

It's interesting to realise how many people have at least one literal near-drowning experience in their past. I had a bad experience once like that as a child. I often wonder what was the closest I've been to death in my nearly 45 years. Whether it's something obvious, like the time I had a stack of pallets come crashing down next to me in a warehouse, or if it was some oblivious moment where a hypothetical person intent on a random stabbing might have passed me in the street, or a blood clot passed silently though my heart in the wee small hours of the morning. 

Yes, we can get stuck on thinking, and need help to stop sometimes, it might help to set an alarm so that you don't think for too long, a reminder to do something else.  Have time for thinking, but more time to other things like reading or anything else you could do.

I had a lot of books growing up but when I was reading and thinking about the book or other things and then didn't follow the story and remember where I had go to, so difficult. I preferred books about things, they were better for my brain.  That's what we do, find what works for us.

You can always think about your own worlds or stories.

have you ever been drowning? maybe the feeling is from that moment? I did first time on a deep water, rescued by lifeguard

I found out most of our bad mental state comes from believe in what others especially medical professionals tells us, and most of it is rubbish

just ignore those comments, there is no other way, laugh in your mind when you hear them

from the fact you are talking about it it is clear you are not going to do it, but you can use this as a learning experience so if at any time in the future that kind thinking returns so you'll be prepared to prevent it from happening, there is no hurry to go to the other side already

find something peaceful to watch or think. I imagine green open fields, deep blue sky with no clouds, and no people in sight or hearing range

Shardovan said:

most recently an overheard comment at work - can privately send me into a spiral of tortured rumination for days or weeks before becoming intermittently (never permanently) dormant.

I had that in January, and still going back to that now and then

The scariest thing is that sometimes the smallest of events/chance comments (but ones that clue me intuitively into the bigger picture) - most recently an overheard comment at work - can privately send me into a spiral of tortured rumination for days or weeks before becoming intermittently (never permanently) dormant. That's what happened on Friday, and I'm only at the beginning of endlessly turning the implications over in my mind. I suppose I'd rather have this high sensitivity than trade it for neurotypical easy-come-easy-go-ness, but it's no easy way to live either. Very far from it.

It's oddly comforting to read your words (please don't take that the wrong way, I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone) as I could  have easily have written them myself. This weekend was like an eternity of the worst sustained anxiety and despair I've felt for quite some months (which is saying something!) and the only saving grace was that it was burning me out so fast that I was sleeping at regular intervals. That temporary oblivion and the few minutes still on the threshold after waking but before the natural chemical wash that numbed the brain begins to wear off, is something I wish could take up an even bigger part of the day. Like you, I'm not thinking suicideally - but it has occurred to me that many people who've felt this bad over less sustained periods of time probably have taken their own life to escape it. I suppose I must be made of fairly strong stuff, keeping going seems to be just what I do, beyond the moment when others would have said 'what's the point?'

I watch a lot of peaceful and happy things that lifts me from all the anxiety for a short time.

A lot of the time I get stuck in what happened to my sister and it becomes hard to get out. Some days it feels easy others it's really hard.

I do a lot of reading, I love my books. I think it's the humour and the fun worlds they are in it's a good escape.

Best not to think about death as a way of getting peace as we don't know its peaceful, and try to think about peaceful things and places instead, or watch peaceful videos like mountain streams.

You have moved away from a difficult time, so remind yourself you are coping better, don't undermine yourself.

Think about your David Walliams books and what you like about them, are there other similar books you might like.