Drowning

I found out most of our bad mental state comes from believe in what others especially medical professionals tells us, and most of it is rubbish

just ignore those comments, there is no other way, laugh in your mind when you hear them

from the fact you are talking about it it is clear you are not going to do it, but you can use this as a learning experience so if at any time in the future that kind thinking returns so you'll be prepared to prevent it from happening, there is no hurry to go to the other side already

find something peaceful to watch or think. I imagine green open fields, deep blue sky with no clouds, and no people in sight or hearing range

have you ever been drowning? maybe the feeling is from that moment? I did first time on a deep water, rescued by lifeguard

It's interesting to realise how many people have at least one literal near-drowning experience in their past. I had a bad experience once like that as a child. I often wonder what was the closest I've been to death in my nearly 45 years. Whether it's something obvious, like the time I had a stack of pallets come crashing down next to me in a warehouse, or if it was some oblivious moment where a hypothetical person intent on a random stabbing might have passed me in the street, or a blood clot passed silently though my heart in the wee small hours of the morning. 

thank you

I'm scared to think how it made my mom feel

but I was a very difficult to stop as a kid, only my granpa had influence over me

Wow. You've had so many near-misses, that's incredible that you're still here. Glad you are :-)

So, swimming pool happened when I was 11

Before that I had 2 serious head injuries, I was knocked out for few hours.

First one at age of 5, falling of the ladder (I dragged indoors to explore top of the wardrobe when there was nobody around) that tilted backwards, and i ended hitting back of my head on a corner of the the table, my mom found me unconscious 5h later in a pool of blood, I came back to awareness 3h after that

Second, at age of 10, winter time in February, snow everywhere, after Sunday mass, I run out of church to overtake people leaving and avoid crowds on a way home, it was downhill, with 20 stairs at the bottom of the hill covered with snow, just before crossing the street, I forgot to slow down, and slipped, knocked back of my head on the edge of a step, I woke up 2h later in a pool of blood, all those 500 people attending mass passing by didn't stop to help me, all good christian samaritans, since then I'm agnostic.

after that I'm indestructable, not even my suicide attempt to freeze in a forest worked, I spent 2 days, naked at -30C, hunger made me  go back home, I was 14. we get strange ideas how to do it sometimes, I didn't know yet about my cold resistance

I was hit by motorbike once, and once by car on foot

i was hit by a car overtaking me when cycling twice on a busy road, I fell off the bike

So, swimming pool happened when I was 11

Before that I had 2 serious head injuries, I was knocked out for few hours.

First one at age of 5, falling of the ladder (I dragged indoors to explore top of the wardrobe when there was nobody around) that tilted backwards, and i ended hitting back of my head on a corner of the the table, my mom found me unconscious 5h later in a pool of blood, I came back to awareness 3h after that

Second, at age of 10, winter time in February, snow everywhere, after Sunday mass, I run out of church to overtake people leaving and avoid crowds on a way home, it was downhill, with 20 stairs at the bottom of the hill covered with snow, just before crossing the street, I forgot to slow down, and slipped, knocked back of my head on the edge of a step, I woke up 2h later in a pool of blood, all those 500 people attending mass passing by didn't stop to help me, all good christian samaritans, since then I'm agnostic.

after that I'm indestructable, not even my suicide attempt to freeze in a forest worked, I spent 2 days, naked at -30C, hunger made me  go back home, I was 14. we get strange ideas how to do it sometimes, I didn't know yet about my cold resistance

I was hit by motorbike once, and once by car on foot

i was hit by a car overtaking me when cycling twice on a busy road, I fell off the bike

thank you

I'm scared to think how it made my mom feel

but I was a very difficult to stop as a kid, only my granpa had influence over me

Wow. You've had so many near-misses, that's incredible that you're still here. Glad you are :-)