Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. Nerves are wrecked. I'm always in sensory overload and my body feels like it's on fire.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Death sounds so peaceful, well not dying that always sounds horrible but actually being dead is an eternal sleep and when I'm asleep is literally the only time I'm not anxious and feeling the effects of life and its many rubbish bits.
I'm not about to kill myself mind you. Don't think that. I just think sometimes it would be a lot better if I wasn't here annoying everyone.
Mentally I'm a bit rubbish I've been sectioned before but I'm trying to move on from that. My autism is triggered by most things and I feel like I'm constantly swimming but the waves pull me under and that's when I get in a panic and struggle. I hope I'm describing this well enough it makes a little sense to me.
I am keeping busy by reading my David Walliams books they are my favourite ones. But my eyes are tired so I can't at the moment.
It's oddly comforting to read your words (please don't take that the wrong way, I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone) as I could have easily have written them myself. This weekend was like an eternity of the worst sustained anxiety and despair I've felt for quite some months (which is saying something!) and the only saving grace was that it was burning me out so fast that I was sleeping at regular intervals. That temporary oblivion and the few minutes still on the threshold after waking but before the natural chemical wash that numbed the brain begins to wear off, is something I wish could take up an even bigger part of the day. Like you, I'm not thinking suicideally - but it has occurred to me that many people who've felt this bad over less sustained periods of time probably have taken their own life to escape it. I suppose I must be made of fairly strong stuff, keeping going seems to be just what I do, beyond the moment when others would have said 'what's the point?'
The scariest thing is that sometimes the smallest of events/chance comments (but ones that clue me intuitively into the bigger picture) - most recently an overheard comment at work - can privately send me into a spiral of tortured rumination for days or weeks before becoming intermittently (never permanently) dormant. That's what happened on Friday, and I'm only at the beginning of endlessly turning the implications over in my mind. I suppose I'd rather have this high sensitivity than trade it for neurotypical easy-come-easy-go-ness, but it's no easy way to live either. Very far from it.
Shardovan said: most recently an overheard comment at work - can privately send me into a spiral of tortured rumination for days or weeks before becoming intermittently (never permanently) dormant.
I had that in January, and still going back to that now and then