Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. Nerves are wrecked. I'm always in sensory overload and my body feels like it's on fire.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Death sounds so peaceful, well not dying that always sounds horrible but actually being dead is an eternal sleep and when I'm asleep is literally the only time I'm not anxious and feeling the effects of life and its many rubbish bits.
I'm not about to kill myself mind you. Don't think that. I just think sometimes it would be a lot better if I wasn't here annoying everyone.
Mentally I'm a bit rubbish I've been sectioned before but I'm trying to move on from that. My autism is triggered by most things and I feel like I'm constantly swimming but the waves pull me under and that's when I get in a panic and struggle. I hope I'm describing this well enough it makes a little sense to me.
I am keeping busy by reading my David Walliams books they are my favourite ones. But my eyes are tired so I can't at the moment.
I found out most of our bad mental state comes from believe in what others especially medical professionals tells us, and most of it is rubbish
just ignore those comments, there is no other way, laugh in your mind when you hear them
from the fact you are talking about it it is clear you are not going to do it, but you can use this as a learning experience so if at any time in the future that kind thinking returns so you'll be prepared to prevent it from happening, there is no hurry to go to the other side already
find something peaceful to watch or think. I imagine green open fields, deep blue sky with no clouds, and no people in sight or hearing range
have you ever been drowning? maybe the feeling is from that moment? I did first time on a deep water, rescued by lifeguard
It's interesting to realise how many people have at least one literal near-drowning experience in their past. I had a bad experience once like that as a child. I often wonder what was the closest I've been to death in my nearly 45 years. Whether it's something obvious, like the time I had a stack of pallets come crashing down next to me in a warehouse, or if it was some oblivious moment where a hypothetical person intent on a random stabbing might have passed me in the street, or a blood clot passed silently though my heart in the wee small hours of the morning.
thank you
I'm scared to think how it made my mom feel
but I was a very difficult to stop as a kid, only my granpa had influence over me