Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. Nerves are wrecked. I'm always in sensory overload and my body feels like it's on fire.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Death sounds so peaceful, well not dying that always sounds horrible but actually being dead is an eternal sleep and when I'm asleep is literally the only time I'm not anxious and feeling the effects of life and its many rubbish bits.
I'm not about to kill myself mind you. Don't think that. I just think sometimes it would be a lot better if I wasn't here annoying everyone.
Mentally I'm a bit rubbish I've been sectioned before but I'm trying to move on from that. My autism is triggered by most things and I feel like I'm constantly swimming but the waves pull me under and that's when I get in a panic and struggle. I hope I'm describing this well enough it makes a little sense to me.
I am keeping busy by reading my David Walliams books they are my favourite ones. But my eyes are tired so I can't at the moment.
Best not to think about death as a way of getting peace as we don't know its peaceful, and try to think about peaceful things and places instead, or watch peaceful videos like mountain streams.
You have moved away from a difficult time, so remind yourself you are coping better, don't undermine yourself.
Think about your David Walliams books and what you like about them, are there other similar books you might like.
I watch a lot of peaceful and happy things that lifts me from all the anxiety for a short time.
A lot of the time I get stuck in what happened to my sister and it becomes hard to get out. Some days it feels easy others it's really hard.
I do a lot of reading, I love my books. I think it's the humour and the fun worlds they are in it's a good escape.
Yes, we can get stuck on thinking, and need help to stop sometimes, it might help to set an alarm so that you don't think for too long, a reminder to do something else. Have time for thinking, but more time to other things like reading or anything else you could do.
I had a lot of books growing up but when I was reading and thinking about the book or other things and then didn't follow the story and remember where I had go to, so difficult. I preferred books about things, they were better for my brain. That's what we do, find what works for us.
You can always think about your own worlds or stories.