Unmasking and becoming more disabled

I don't think NTs understand just how often they are misunderstood. My natural inclination is to attempt several possible interpretations of what someone else is saying if they're being nebulous. I've heard this phrase so much that at some point I just started responding with, "am I? Or are you not thinking enough." It's important to stress that if another would like something done right the first time, which saves us all time and money, it's best well-thought through. Now, for Neurotypicals I've discovered 'overthinking' really means Rumination without Resolve. So one could even respond with "This isn't over-thinking. It's Troubleshooting. And I quite enjoy this, so please don't steal my joy" :) 

Even with family tho, I would say that I also script. I rehearse what topics I can bring up too, so again, it's really like I have no other way to be a human being. 

It's as though I would now need a proper routine just to function, which I generally haven't needed all my life. I want each day to be as spontaneous and different as possible, even though I regularly need to plan what I like to do. 

Thank you for your comment about overthinking. I get told that at work, but for me I think it is important to prepare and work out things.

This. It’s why I felt my identity had been pulled from under me. I realised how much I had been masking and decided to be more honest to myself. Now I wonder if I’ve opened Pandora’s Box. 

NAS81317 said:

spontaneous talk

as you said, it's risky business with strangers, it's safe to have scripted responses

but with people you know some time, you can try it, hopefully some of them will be understanding and won't misinterpret what you said as rude

TheJay said:

Go into a quiet dark room, close my eyes and do nothing for 10 minutes. Repeat throughout the day to avoid the accumulation

that's what i started doing in my new job.

From the begining I was pushing them that I need my break split in parts spread over a day to remain productive and functional, good they were OK with that, it really works

That could be helpful, I will try that. Thank you

If you are highly anxious and your sensory triggers are overwhelming you, you can find yourself feeling very forgetful because you are overwhelmed.

I've been told to incorporate sensory breaks throughout the day. Go into a quiet dark room, close my eyes and do nothing for 10 minutes. Repeat throughout the day to avoid the accumulation.

I don't know how well this will work. I'm already on antidepressants and I still feel the same.

I will have to wait until I get the finalised report to check exactly what the recommendations say about my "sensory diet". I feel like I have a scatter brain.

TheJay said:

the forgetfulness you describe has been explained by the psychologist as my response to environmental anxiety. She said I need regular sensory breaks as part of a "sensory diet" to stop my anxiety building up through the day

Id really like to know more about this and what it means

I've been diagnosed with ASD today and the forgetfulness you describe has been explained by the psychologist as my response to environmental anxiety. She said I need regular sensory breaks as part of a "sensory diet" to stop my anxiety building up through the day. I've not been diagnosed with anything other than ASD, even though I suspected ADHD.

I am sorry you feel like this, being very forgetful must be quite frustrating.

Do you use reminders for everyday tasks or for example link important information to your dedicated interests?

I understand what you mean about unmasking, it is a very long process and can only happen when you feel safe in your environment. Masking a lot is not healthy, you should feel happy and accepted as your autistic self. In order to unmask you could starting learning more about your autistic experience and your needs. This should hopefully help you understand the difference between your innate autistic self and the masked version.

Alternatively, like you do on this forum you could try mixing more with other autistics because you should feel safe to completely unmask and be much more comfortable socially.

 You are very welcome. I am glad my recommendation is helpful.

By the way, Kieran Rose has written and delivered an online course on autistic masking, the consequences and how to unmask. It is available to access on his website under online learning. This may be useful for you.

Hopefully others on this forum will be able to offer you more advice. 

I want to add: Just hunt down good principles and rules which help to present your desired self. Working toward becoming our ideal version of ourselves is a life-goal. And it's genuinely rewarding. Loads of conscious effort, lots of failures to draw from, be open to 'becoming'. In it for the long-haul and it will be a worthwhile experience. 

"over-thinking" is a NeuroTypical phrase. We will by nature think more thoroughly and that can be quality. I think it's worth building on. But I also appreciate philosophers who exhaust a concept and leave no stone unturned. Not thinking enough is how humans end up in war. Just my take.

It feels like I'm becoming more disabled now with how forgetful I'm becoming. In life, I always picture myself from the outside as though someone's watching me, it keeps me self-aware at all times. I'm now doing my best just only focusing on my own point of view, and it's polarising so far. Reality does feel sharper, yet it's as though I don't know how to look after myself anymore.

I desperately want to unmask, but at what cost? It's as though my constant state of self-awareness is needed to function, both in remembering things and socialising. Thanks a lot for the recommendation, I'll check it out! 

There's nothing wrong with scripting conversations. Everything requires Prep / Preparation. A Test. Buying a house. Getting ready for work. Actors prepare, Courses are prepared for classrooms, courses are prepped in a kitchen. All of Education is preparation. 

Growing into one's self can be like waking up from a dream. Not realising I've been hypersensitive all along only finally having breathing space to be consciously aware of it and rather than stuck in a sort of shadow-of-myself survival mode. Like peeling off protective layers.

Forgetfulness can be created by many things. Stress, added new life stresses one didn't have before or responsibilities. And especially without well-planned parenting to help prepare you for adulthood or help preparing you for each next stage, one can realise they're stumbling through life. Many parents didn't have this either though - it's no one's fault, it's a society we're in. 

Perhaps it is time to start using a calendar if you don't already or creating reminders / making lists. I have reminders on my phone about my health and gut issues which go off every day. A reminder to stay hydrated. A few times per week, though I'll take Lions Mane or a mushroom complex which can help memory and focus. This doesn't help everyone, but I was around your age when I started taking it as a supplement a few times per week.

You say you are becoming more disabled, can you change your environment? 

To quote Luke Beardon’s golden equation- Autism + Environment = Outcome. You can always change the environment to suit your autistic neurology and needs, therefore reducing the masking and sensory distress.

NAS81317 said:

How can I stop 'scripting' conversations, it's so hard not doing it and trusting that I can do spontaneous talk, I've noticed that when I haven't scripted I say more yet the other day I was accidentally rude to a woman, I'm scared of it happening again.

I know it might be difficult and you may not feel confident enough to do this but trust your autistic instincts. How does conversation go with someone you are really comfortable with or other autistic people for example? 

Also are you aware that masking is a safety mechanism? It’s not something you can usually control it is unconscious.

Have you read Kieran Rose‘s resources about masking? They might be helpful:

https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

What do you mean "becoming more disabled"? If you mean that once you realise you may be autistic your autistic traits seem to be becoming stronger and you seem less capable of doing stuff then I really understand. That has happened to me and it happens to a lot of us. I think its cos we are so used to masking that we almost mask with ourselves and dont let ourselves admit how autistic we are. once we start to realise it it all comes out

Im on a waiting list too so I understand. It does hit you like a train when you first find out but it also makes your whole life make sense and you can start to get to know yourself properly 

dont overthink it. masking is a strategy to stop them burning you at the stake. its ok to mask, script, and quote song lyrics in conversation.