Unmasking and becoming more disabled

Hey everyone, hope we're all good. I'm 24 and only just realising I may be the spectrum, and things are already proving to be difficult, it's hitting like a tone of bricks.

Been reading a lot lately about the concept of masking and it really speaks to me, especially 'scripting'  conversations from preparing topics, subjects and jokes in advance to people, I still constantly have imaginary conversations in my head to people. This is what I've done my whole life, I have to do to this to have preparation. I've always struggled socially in life, yet I'm not a shy person at all, I can speak to crowds. I'm absolutely different. How can I stop 'scripting' conversations, it's so hard not doing it and trusting that I can do spontaneous talk, I've noticed that when I haven't scripted I say more yet the other day I was accidentally rude to a woman, I'm scared of it happening again.

I'm also becoming much more forgetful now as a person, as though ADHD is kicking in. I'm on a 2 year waiting list, I cannot wait this long. I'm also hypersensitive to loud noise, and I'm generally worried how well I'm functioning now. 

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  • Even with family tho, I would say that I also script. I rehearse what topics I can bring up too, so again, it's really like I have no other way to be a human being. 

    It's as though I would now need a proper routine just to function, which I generally haven't needed all my life. I want each day to be as spontaneous and different as possible, even though I regularly need to plan what I like to do.