Just saying hello

Hi fionaroadster,

It's really nice to hear that you are wanting to help your husband and understand his 'condition' a bit more, it will certainly benefit you both in the long run.

When I was first diagnosed with HFA I did heaps of research on the internet and picked out 5-6 articles/documents/blogs that I found to be extremely useful, informative or interesting. I created a little document with these links and gave it to my husband to go away and read in his own time so that he could try and get an understanding of HFA in general. When he had read these and digested them, we sat down together one evening and he asked me questions about how HFA affects me personally and what he can do to help support me.

(For example one thing that really distresses me is if we have a day out planned to go to Place A, and then at the last minute my husband suggests going to Place B, I am almost 100% likely to have a meltdown because I cannot cope with the change in plans and I find it all too much to deal with. In the past he has attributed this to me being a prima donna and a bit of a high maintenance wife, however now he understands that it's not me being difficult, it's actually part of my condition that I just like to know exactly what I am doing, at what time I am doing it and where we are going to do it! So now he knows to try avoid suggesting things like this, and if he does want to change our plans he needs to give me notice so I can process the information and deal with it.)

Him taking the time to understand my condition made things so much easier and has brough us closer together. He know now that I am not just being a difficult wife but that I have a condition that presents issues with certain things in my life. I'm not saying that this hs made things 100% perfect for us because we are both trying to understand each other in light of this diagnosis an we still can clash...however it has most definitely helped us alot.

I would suggest maybe doing a bit of your own research on the condition, get a good understanding of it and how it impacts people, and then if you are able to sit with your husband and question him (gently!!) as to how he feels, would react to certain situations, what he likes/dislikes etc.

I really hope this has been helpful to you! x

Yes, people are without doubt are incredibly confusing!! Life behind our sheets of glass or inside our goldfish bowls is indeed a lonely place and the chances of anyone even remotely being able to understand are slim... 

"I think it's just nice to know that I'm not alone!"

The way I see things about the world around me is that I know I cannot interact or directly influence what goes on outside my little world, but the one thing I can do is find the perfect place for my goldfish bowl to sit and choose what I wish to see..

The world doesn't nessasarily have to be a scarey place and as your husband puts it the human training will always continue, but thats the life we have to live.

Lets make them the best that they can be!!

You phrase it so incredibly well and I can't relate completely! The analogy I always use with people when they ask how it feels to have HFA is I feel like I am living my life behind a piece of glass. I can see the world, I can see all the people in it and all the strange wonderful things they do, but I can't 'get' to the world, I can't interact with the people and I can't fully immerse myself in the world around me because that piece of glass is constantly in the way. 

It's very frustrating at times and very very lonely, I have often described myself to my parents as feeling like a ghost at times, just this little thing that floats around in the world (god we have a lot of analogies don't we?!)

On top of this people genuinely confuse me, they utterly baffle me; why do children feel the need to run everywhere? Why do people pass comments on other people that they have never met before? Why do people make jokes or sarcastic comments? Why do people say completely illogical things? Why do people say "let's pretend that..."? Everyday I am astounded by people and I feel like I am learning something new every day, so much so in fact me and my husband joke that I'm constantly having 'human training'!

Hi, I would say that the best way to tackle the communication side of things is to be up front and straight forward.. 

You obviously know your partner better than anyone else, so only you can judge for the best but i think that keeping it as clear as possible and away from it becoming  just an emotional arguement would be best.

Doctors can help and there is alot of advice out there on this and other sites... 

I hope all works out ok... 

Best regards

I am new to this too !!

i am married to someone who is unware he has borderline autism spectrum - can you give me any tips as to how I should communicate with him in order to help him the best way I can?

do you tihink its always imperative that people should know thier diagnosis? can people live a good life without knowing exactly???

thanks for yoiur help

Thanks for the welcome,

My dad used to say I wasnt seeing the wood for the trees!! If only he knew.. lol

Depression and social anxiety are the main reasons that i started to figure it out, ive had a lifetime of it, and its lead me down many many unhealthy avenues. The best advice I could give would be "never give up", I know that my battles are far from over, but now I know I have the ability to work out the trigger points and identify better ways foreward, rather than just plain ignoring it or over compensating and getting emotional {which in my case is always over the top}.

I know its hard with depression, but try to stay positive, keep working things out and making little adjustments and soon enough it get easier.

i like to think that the great thing about my ASD is that I have a unique mind that works in a unique way and not only does it make me unique, but it makes me uniquely me.

Chin up and kindest regards

Welcome to the forum.

I think your fish-bowl analogy is an excellent one.  Even my CBT counsellor has said that I don't always seem 'present' in the same room as her sometimes.

Another good metaphor I heard is that being autistic is like being born "unable to see the wood for the trees."  Always swamped by fascinating little details, yet never picking up on the wider context that one needs for the details to form a coherent picture of the situation.

Glad to hear that you have been able to improve you life since diagnosis.  I'm only a couple of months into having that whole new perspective to see my life from, and I'm really hopeful that I'll now be able to find new ways to live that don't trigger the acute depression that has plagued me for decades.  It's always great to hear from people who are living examples of this.

Best wishes.