Just found out...

Hi gus c,

Welcome to the Community and thanks for sharing your experience of living on the spectrum. I've just removed the name of the hospital that you volunteer for as we try to avoid naming services.

Sofie Mod

I would be interested to know Rob's thoughts on the discussion so far?

Random's contribution is doubly relevant as there is a child in Rob's family and random has experienced the turmoil from that point of view. I would guess that Random may recognise autistic traits in one of his parents too? I would second the suggestion to look into relationship counselling.

Although it is difficult, and may not always be possible, but everyone should try and imagine things from the others' points of view. This is always going to be very difficult if one is suffering from autism as this is the social imagination part of our problem.

Hi Rob,

Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are really in a bad situation, I finding it difficult to know what to say. I am 49 and have not been able to build a close relationships, so dont have any experience that way. I did grow up in a household which had some similarities with your situation, but with my Father being controlling influence. It was a very bad time and has really affected me in my adult life.

One of the thoughts going through my head reading your post, is for both of you to get some relationship counsuelling, but I strongly expect your partner is not going to be open to that suggestion.

I know with my mother, she found it difficult to escape because of the loving bond between them, and because she felt she would not be able to fend for herself. 

My mother had some times when she was divorcing my father. For one of these she did move out of the house for 3 months, living with her sister. I thought it was a bad move moving back, it was for their relationship, but we didn't know what nightmare her sisters situation would turn out to be several years down the line.

If you decide to leave your relationship, it is going to be hard. I know when my mother left for that brief period, my father was distraught at his wits end and wanted to do anything to get her back, completely different to how he had behaved. It wasn't too long before things deteriorated again, but my mother did regain a little control back

Everyone seems ready to advise Rob to bale out of his family. I think that trying to make sensible decisions under conditions of such stress may be regretted afterwards. There are a couple of phrases from his post that suggest that he is not entirely in a good place mentally.

"I feel like I'm being microscopically dissected by the Thought Police"

"Never been so low."

The normal state of mind of someone going through the discovery and diagnosis process is actually not a good, healthy, calm and considered state. I've been there and know how desperate it can be and I know that I was in no position to make good decisions. Fortunately nobody advised me to do anything drastic.

Hi Gus,

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have gone through a lot and Asperger's has had a big impact on your life. You have added to a thread that was discussing Rob's particular problems. The site is a bit creaky and not easy to find your way around but you can start your own thread using the "Start New Discussion" link on the http://community.autism.org.uk/discussions/general-discussions/introduce-yourself.

Anyways, have a good xmas and I look forward to seeing your contributions to the discussions.

NAS18906 said:

Is it likely that your wife is a sadist or a psychopath?

Yep.  It is.  That's how he described her.  Is it likely he's wrong?

is it more likely that she has had enough and is exhausted and exasperated?

Nope.  It's possible, I suppose, though that's not how he described her. Is it more likely he's wrong?

Suppose it is the case, that she's 'had enough' and is 'exhausted and exasperated'.  The answer's the same.  Get out now, because getting out later won't improve matters.

ETA: get a plan in place, and most especially get help regarding child custody - as codger said, if she's hurting you she'll hurt your child too.  There's not a lot of help out there for guys, and the system's stacked against us, but try, because nominally at least, the system is concerned with the best interests of the child. 

Rob,

It may have gone too far already but you have some options.

There is a real chance that your are mentally affected by many years of undiagnosed ASD and the treatment that the world hands out to those that don't fit in. You feel bullied, battered and continually on the defensive. Your wife does not understand you and you don't understand her. I've been there but got diagnosed in time to retrieve the situation.

Is it likely that your wife is a sadist or a psychopath? is it more likely that she has had enough and is exhausted and exasperated?

I am aware of the impact that I have had on people that come into contact with me. I have been shouted at by work colleagues. I have had too much conflict but am aware that I have more control on this and I cannot get the world to change to suit me so I make efforts to understand the impact that I have on others.

It is difficult to talk about ones feelings but it may be worth going to your GP and asking for help. There are also anonymous helplines offered by Saneline , The Samaritans, etc. It is good to talk and you might benefit from talking to someone who isn't emotionally wound up by the situation.

Hi,

I've read your post and have felt compelled to reply to you. I'm NT with a late-diagnosis partner ( he was diagnosed 5 years into our relationship) and for us it was a real light bulb moment and things finally started to make sense.

I know it was due to his Aspie traits that I fell in love with him, his integrity is second to none, his loyalty, kindness and his downright honesty are things that my friends envy in our relationship.

Before his diagnosis, we often struggled and argued as I didn't understand him (even though I thought I did) and it would lead to him having meltdowns. Post-diagnosis, we do still have these incidents and try as I might, I still can't seem to get it right. The difference now is I understand what AS is and how it affects him and do not use it as a weapon to throw.

His diagnosis has not changed him, it has changed the way he sees himself and is able to understand himself better and understand the crazy world he is in, the same will be true of you. Surely, when you first met and married your behaviour was not a great deal different?

Your descriptions remind me of something out of Jeremy Kyle "Oh, I really love him and he'd be perfect if only he wouldn't do this, this, this, this and this!!" B******t! they don't love them - just love the idea of being in love and he'll do. I am apalled at your wife's lack of empathy and understanding, it sounds like she has absolutely no trust in you either.

On a personal level I couldn't bear to be in a relationship that has no understanding, trust or respect, I would rather be on my own - it is less lonely.

My partner very often has to plaster a smile on his face, be very brave and socialise with people he doesn't know in a room full of loud music and bright flashing lights. He does this willingly for me - because he loves me and because I love him I rarely subject him to visits to the pub, escorting me to the supermarket/shops and other things that he finds distressing and uncomfortable. I accept all this as it's part of being in a proper relationship.

I can only wish you well and urge you to be kind to yourself. You do not have to settle for second best, you do not have suffer abuse, lack of understanding, lack of respect and a barrage of insulting behaviour. This person is your wife - I wonder if she remembers her marriage vows?

Take care

I recognise everything you say, sadly. I've been in a relationship like that too, to the point where she was having revenge sex with other people to get back at me for what I wasn't doing... It isn't a relationship if both people don't put it first.

I wouldn't bother trying to see things from your wife's point of view. You won't be able to, and if she won't try to understand you then you'll waste a lot of time and energy on a null result. As 'socks says, if she is intent on imposing her 'solutions' on you without bothering to try and understand you, she'll just drive you under. We're easy targets for bullying, and the way you describe the effects on you of this situation sounds like that's exactly what you're experiencing. Jiggeryqua says it, and so do I.

I've had it thrown at me that my diagnosis is a convenient 'excuse', although for what I have no idea. I'm aware that I behave 'differently', but we are 'different' people and only the thickest tw*t could fail to grasp this, so it's the most ignorant, dismissive, bullying outrageous thing that anyone can say. It's an explanation, but that's what it is, it isn't something we hide behind, it's something that we struggle, hard, to get to grips with, and we help each other to do that on this website. You can lead a horse to water, but if she spits it out again she'll just stay thirsty!

So let me tell you that it is OK to be you. It's good to see that you clearly know yourself and your situation very well indeed, and I'm glad that you're starting to get yourself into perspective. Trust me when I tell you that the journey you are embarking on will cause you all sorts of torment, nothing you haven't repeatedly experienced before, but this time when it does we're here for you and at the end you'll be glad that you did it because it will end many of those sessions where you've tortured yourself just trying to understand.

On here, you have found people who DO understand you, and we'll be with you on your journey because those of us (there are a good few) with late diagnoses have been on the same journey - you are not alone. I would recommend that you let your wife read these posts. If she has any respect for you or desire to keep your relationship, she'll jump at the chance. Her answer to your invitation to read them will tell you all you need to know, I think, but please be prepared for the tragic truth if she refuses. There are plenty of NT partners of AS people who post on here, so she can't use her non-AS status as a convenient excuse!

Lastly, if she treats her AS child how she treats you, she is going to harm him and the child will be better off with her out of his life, frankly. Please take this last issue extremely seriously.

I think it is a good idea to try and imagine what the situation is like from your wife's point of view. She probably desperately wants some normality and predictability in her life but you will be behaving strangely and your behaviour is probably exasperating and impossible to understand. She is likely to be struggling with looking after your child so she will be showing signs of stress. Her view of you has parallels with your view of her. You are somewhat alien to each other. I think it is important to use the ASD as an explanation rather than an excuse. If you try hard to understand each other (this is probably not the easiest option) then you may be able to work through the situation. With autism, we do tend to see things from our own position and struggle to understand other people's feelings and the practicalities of someone elses situation. It is worth, in my opinion, making an effort to try and understand what other people are going through before imposing your solutions on them.

I had a wife like that, for a while.  For too long, whichever way you look at it.  I left long before I got a diagnosis.  You don't say how long you've been together, or if there are children involved - and I know, I recognise, how you feel and how easy it is to stay in a relationship with, in your word, a sadist.  It took me a long time to decide that however hard I found it to face the world on my own, I was better of leaving than staying.  I've been homeless a couple of times since, but I've also had good times and met good people.  And other sadists, but I give them short shrift now.

It's not my place to tell you to leave - but it is the answer I offer to your question.