Published on 12, July, 2020
Spent the last 50-odd years struggling with the world and putting myself down for it. I have an exceptional mind, but find life too confusing to put it to the best use. I have a handicapped son who has recently taken an oral test for autism and found myself answering yes to all of the questions....for myself! Online tests confirmed this, so I made an appointment with a mental health expert who is convinced that I'm an Aspie, athough I face an 18 month wait to see a specialist. The relief was immediate. I didn't have to see myself as a klutz anymore; it's standard for Aspies. Yippee!
I took the information back to my wife and she flatly refuses to believe it; you can see the scorn in her face, like it's just another of my "excuses" for non-standard behaviour. It's impossible to reason with her; I can't tolerate confrontation, which leaves me sick and shaking with adrenaline, unable to formulate a cohesive reply, and she's got a black belt in deliberate obfuscation, running rings around me every time and leaving me shaken. I'm even doing this incognito, since she scans for nascent obsessions, intending to nip them in the bud. I got up the nerve to tell her that what she's doing amounts to sadism - even controlling behaviour - and you can guess how well that one went down.
It seems that she's doing everything in her power to try and mould me into a "normal" person, putting me under the sort of intense scrutiny that demolishes my ability to function effectively. Basically, it provokes the opposite effect to what's intended. I feel like I'm being microscopically dissected by the Thought Police. I've lost count of the number of times I've been accused of infidelity, when in fact the effect of being forced to be something I'm not places a mental obstacle between us that effectively excludes intimacy for long periods. I try to explain but I get tied in knots each and every time. I just don't possess the mental tool set that's required.
I am now camped out in my head going through the motions, offering about 1% of my mental capacity for interfacing with the world, while the other 99% is in frantic, desperate activity wondering what the hell to do to salvage the situation. Never been so low. Meanwhile, with Christmas coming up I'm expected to contribute with a pasted-on smile - something that I'm literally incapable of doing. What on Earth can I do?
It's a worn-out cliche, but my wife - in very real terms - does not understand me.
Hi,
I've read your post and have felt compelled to reply to you. I'm NT with a late-diagnosis partner ( he was diagnosed 5 years into our relationship) and for us it was a real light bulb moment and things finally started to make sense.
I know it was due to his Aspie traits that I fell in love with him, his integrity is second to none, his loyalty, kindness and his downright honesty are things that my friends envy in our relationship.
Before his diagnosis, we often struggled and argued as I didn't understand him (even though I thought I did) and it would lead to him having meltdowns. Post-diagnosis, we do still have these incidents and try as I might, I still can't seem to get it right. The difference now is I understand what AS is and how it affects him and do not use it as a weapon to throw.
His diagnosis has not changed him, it has changed the way he sees himself and is able to understand himself better and understand the crazy world he is in, the same will be true of you. Surely, when you first met and married your behaviour was not a great deal different?
Your descriptions remind me of something out of Jeremy Kyle "Oh, I really love him and he'd be perfect if only he wouldn't do this, this, this, this and this!!" B******t! they don't love them - just love the idea of being in love and he'll do. I am apalled at your wife's lack of empathy and understanding, it sounds like she has absolutely no trust in you either.
On a personal level I couldn't bear to be in a relationship that has no understanding, trust or respect, I would rather be on my own - it is less lonely.
My partner very often has to plaster a smile on his face, be very brave and socialise with people he doesn't know in a room full of loud music and bright flashing lights. He does this willingly for me - because he loves me and because I love him I rarely subject him to visits to the pub, escorting me to the supermarket/shops and other things that he finds distressing and uncomfortable. I accept all this as it's part of being in a proper relationship.
I can only wish you well and urge you to be kind to yourself. You do not have to settle for second best, you do not have suffer abuse, lack of understanding, lack of respect and a barrage of insulting behaviour. This person is your wife - I wonder if she remembers her marriage vows?
Take care