Published on 12, July, 2020
Spent the last 50-odd years struggling with the world and putting myself down for it. I have an exceptional mind, but find life too confusing to put it to the best use. I have a handicapped son who has recently taken an oral test for autism and found myself answering yes to all of the questions....for myself! Online tests confirmed this, so I made an appointment with a mental health expert who is convinced that I'm an Aspie, athough I face an 18 month wait to see a specialist. The relief was immediate. I didn't have to see myself as a klutz anymore; it's standard for Aspies. Yippee!
I took the information back to my wife and she flatly refuses to believe it; you can see the scorn in her face, like it's just another of my "excuses" for non-standard behaviour. It's impossible to reason with her; I can't tolerate confrontation, which leaves me sick and shaking with adrenaline, unable to formulate a cohesive reply, and she's got a black belt in deliberate obfuscation, running rings around me every time and leaving me shaken. I'm even doing this incognito, since she scans for nascent obsessions, intending to nip them in the bud. I got up the nerve to tell her that what she's doing amounts to sadism - even controlling behaviour - and you can guess how well that one went down.
It seems that she's doing everything in her power to try and mould me into a "normal" person, putting me under the sort of intense scrutiny that demolishes my ability to function effectively. Basically, it provokes the opposite effect to what's intended. I feel like I'm being microscopically dissected by the Thought Police. I've lost count of the number of times I've been accused of infidelity, when in fact the effect of being forced to be something I'm not places a mental obstacle between us that effectively excludes intimacy for long periods. I try to explain but I get tied in knots each and every time. I just don't possess the mental tool set that's required.
I am now camped out in my head going through the motions, offering about 1% of my mental capacity for interfacing with the world, while the other 99% is in frantic, desperate activity wondering what the hell to do to salvage the situation. Never been so low. Meanwhile, with Christmas coming up I'm expected to contribute with a pasted-on smile - something that I'm literally incapable of doing. What on Earth can I do?
It's a worn-out cliche, but my wife - in very real terms - does not understand me.
I would be interested to know Rob's thoughts on the discussion so far?
Random's contribution is doubly relevant as there is a child in Rob's family and random has experienced the turmoil from that point of view. I would guess that Random may recognise autistic traits in one of his parents too? I would second the suggestion to look into relationship counselling.
Although it is difficult, and may not always be possible, but everyone should try and imagine things from the others' points of view. This is always going to be very difficult if one is suffering from autism as this is the social imagination part of our problem.