Published on 12, July, 2020
Spent the last 50-odd years struggling with the world and putting myself down for it. I have an exceptional mind, but find life too confusing to put it to the best use. I have a handicapped son who has recently taken an oral test for autism and found myself answering yes to all of the questions....for myself! Online tests confirmed this, so I made an appointment with a mental health expert who is convinced that I'm an Aspie, athough I face an 18 month wait to see a specialist. The relief was immediate. I didn't have to see myself as a klutz anymore; it's standard for Aspies. Yippee!
I took the information back to my wife and she flatly refuses to believe it; you can see the scorn in her face, like it's just another of my "excuses" for non-standard behaviour. It's impossible to reason with her; I can't tolerate confrontation, which leaves me sick and shaking with adrenaline, unable to formulate a cohesive reply, and she's got a black belt in deliberate obfuscation, running rings around me every time and leaving me shaken. I'm even doing this incognito, since she scans for nascent obsessions, intending to nip them in the bud. I got up the nerve to tell her that what she's doing amounts to sadism - even controlling behaviour - and you can guess how well that one went down.
It seems that she's doing everything in her power to try and mould me into a "normal" person, putting me under the sort of intense scrutiny that demolishes my ability to function effectively. Basically, it provokes the opposite effect to what's intended. I feel like I'm being microscopically dissected by the Thought Police. I've lost count of the number of times I've been accused of infidelity, when in fact the effect of being forced to be something I'm not places a mental obstacle between us that effectively excludes intimacy for long periods. I try to explain but I get tied in knots each and every time. I just don't possess the mental tool set that's required.
I am now camped out in my head going through the motions, offering about 1% of my mental capacity for interfacing with the world, while the other 99% is in frantic, desperate activity wondering what the hell to do to salvage the situation. Never been so low. Meanwhile, with Christmas coming up I'm expected to contribute with a pasted-on smile - something that I'm literally incapable of doing. What on Earth can I do?
It's a worn-out cliche, but my wife - in very real terms - does not understand me.
Hi Rob,
Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are really in a bad situation, I finding it difficult to know what to say. I am 49 and have not been able to build a close relationships, so dont have any experience that way. I did grow up in a household which had some similarities with your situation, but with my Father being controlling influence. It was a very bad time and has really affected me in my adult life.
One of the thoughts going through my head reading your post, is for both of you to get some relationship counsuelling, but I strongly expect your partner is not going to be open to that suggestion.
I know with my mother, she found it difficult to escape because of the loving bond between them, and because she felt she would not be able to fend for herself.
My mother had some times when she was divorcing my father. For one of these she did move out of the house for 3 months, living with her sister. I thought it was a bad move moving back, it was for their relationship, but we didn't know what nightmare her sisters situation would turn out to be several years down the line.
If you decide to leave your relationship, it is going to be hard. I know when my mother left for that brief period, my father was distraught at his wits end and wanted to do anything to get her back, completely different to how he had behaved. It wasn't too long before things deteriorated again, but my mother did regain a little control back