Hello! Wife of 52yr old Husband, Who is waiting to be formally diagnosed

Hi dancing queen. Your husband sounds as though he is in a bad way. I do feel for you.

I suffered mental illness for many years, which improved to a point, but I finally recovered after retirement, when I managed to come off the medication I had taken for 20 years. It made me an appathetic zombie.

When I came off the medication, I started having flash backs to some of the worst bullying I had experienced at work. I finally managed to deal with these memories, and see the bullies for the nasty, small minded, cruel people they were, instead of seeing myself as bad and failing. I conquered these events one by one over a long period of time and gradually came back to life. I also had bereavements to deal with, where the grieving was uncompleted.

It is an aspect of asd, that we repress emotions when they become overwhelming. These build up inside and destroy us from within. I did not even realise that I was still upset by some of these events, because they were hidden in my unconscious mind.

I was ashamed and embarrassed by many of the bullying events that happened to me, and so unable to speak about them. Some, I relived in the night and dealt with, some I wrote down, kept for a while, then shredded. 

I now make a conscious effort to think about things which upset me, and how I feel about them. This helps me deal with them at the time, instead of burying the hurt within.

If he will talk, then thatis so much better, but writing it down is effective, or even just facing it in ones own thoughts.

Thanks again people for Your supportive comments.

As I said, My Husband has struggled all of His life with trying to make sense not only of the world We live in but Also Himself. He had a very unhappy and difficult childhood, Made much worse by His Mothers attitude and Her way of correcting His deficits as She described them. He did have episodes of Depression during the 35 years I have known Him, But these periods would last in general no longer than 2 or 3 months and usually followed a difficult time or a stressor such as His Dad's death.

His current problems I do not think are ''Depression'' in the obvious meaning. I do think He is struggling greatly but it is because He just can not cope with anything that He finds even slightly stressful, and this could be as small a thing as Me drawing the lounge curtains one night ( We never close the curtains ) to see if it helped our new dog settle,  To bigger issues like a pdoc appointment.

Both situations caused Him to become a shaking tearful wreck. I do believe that the continued stress of trying to remain working has had such an effect that every coping mechanism He had has been stripped away leaving Him completley unable to adapt or cope. The Flight, Fight or Freeze mechanism is out of His control and Freezing unable to do or say anything is His default response at present.

I am Very aware of the ''Black and White'' Thinking. My Husband and both Sons have this to the extreme!, They are the complete opposite to Me in that respect and I spend an awful lot of time trying to explain situations and events that do not follow this wonderfully simple logic. I will say it is this way of thinking that causes them all the most problems as the ''Real'' World is definitley more than 50 shades of Grey! I have in the past told them all, that for Me, it is like living with Vulcans ( Dr Spock ) But I will also say They can bring a refreshing Honesty and Clarity to some situations!

Regarding Medication, He is currently taking Venlafaxine 137.5mg ( We are currently trying to stop this medication and He was originally on 225mg 5 weeks ago ) Pregabalin 450mg, Amisulpride 100mg and Diazepam 5mg. We are after discussing it with His Care Coordinator and pdoc trying to stop all the Medication as nothing has really Helped His distress but the side effects are Obvious. It is going to take a long time as the Discontinuation Symptoms are quite severe and at times it appears He is becoming worse rather than better, But He managed without all this Medication before things came to a head and We are hoping that He can do so again.

Regarding learning about ASD, I really think this is the way forward for Him. I am always talking to Him about How other people on the spectrum deal and cope with Their differences and The way they try to make sense of a world that for a lot of the time makes them feel like an outsider or the only one who doesn't get the joke!.

There was a segment on Our local News last night showing an interview with a Man with Aspergers (who is the subject of a film X + Y made about His life) that has really helped Him, It was only a short interview but He said it was the first time He had heard someone describe accuratley the difficulties and ways of thinking that He has.

I am sorry Coogy that Your Husband was made to return to work before He was ready, I was determined that My Husband was not put in that position and I claimed PIP for Him straight away. He was awarded 10 weeks after the initial claim and that allowed Me, before His SSP ran out, to claim Carers Allowance and Income Support. This stops My Husband having to ''prove'' He is ill and as long as He is in receipt of PIP He will not have to claim ESA as He is on My Claim for Income Support, So that is one worry I do Not have.

I will keep everyone up to date with His progress as I am sure it could be helpful to Others who may find themselves in a similar situation.

I've been meaning to reply to this thread but hadn't quite got around to it.

Your story reminds me of my father who, with the benefit of hindsight and in the light of my own recent diagnosis, probably had ASD. He was on anti-depressants for many years and they never really helped or resolved anything. There are a few other people on the forum who have been diagnosed with ASD after many years of drug therapy that never really helped.

People with ASD get depressed and mentally ill for a couple of reasons - we have a different way of thinking and communicating and we constantly end up at odds with other people. Also we have a tendency to black and white thinking - things tend not to be compromises. Both of these things lend themselves towards us being stressed, anxious and depressed.

I would be very interested to hear how successfully your husband can learn about his ASD nd how to adapt to it and whether he can be brought off the drugs over time.

Hello Agian,

   Yes, It's clear he has some very familiar issues. As a former support worker you will probably realise that progress following a breakdown is often very slow. My own husband used to get very agetated when people (His parents included.) expected him to 'snap out of it' and reach a form of recovery within weeks, Such is their understanding of mental health, Following, my husbands breakdown, he was never the same, For a long while I mourned the loss of the person I married, but as the years have gone by, we have learned to reaquate ourselves with one another.

NT (Neuro- Typical) society, imposes many pressures on us and learning to resist such pressure is a skill in itself.

My husband went back to full time work following an ATOS interview that deemed him fit, despite evidence to the contrary, and he colapsed again within six months,

It's taken years, but he started back to work with a few hours a week and gradually worked up. 16 hours seems to be when he's gone too far and begins to show signs of stress. It's probably some way off for you to consider him back at work at the moment, but you may have to completely reconsider his working future, post recovery. Don't worry about what others think, What's right for his well-being is the key.

At the time I was managing two children on the Spectrum, My husbands Illness and my own issues. It was a terrible strain I would never want to repeat, but it's made me more compassionate and my husband has had a career change and now helps others for a living. His experience, far from being a hinderence, has given him a greater understanding of those he cares for.

I suspect your husbands increased obsessions are a way of him trying to maintain order, in what must seem a very scary time. I too have ASD and have learned to manage my work commitments by working for myself from home. This allows me be home for my family and stage my work around their needs. I'm pretty sure your life as sole carer is full on just now, but in the future, perhaps you could work from home if you would like to return. For me, having an interest beyond care, kept me sane.

Do keep us updated on how he's doing and please feel free to ask any questions.

Coogy

I will also add, Work is not the only thing He has always had problems with, Since a small child He has struggled and in His medical notes it mentions '' Behavioural Problems'' But He has always been told He was Naughty by His Mum and teachers etc..

He has several special interests and He becomes more obsessed with them the more anxious He is, He also has ''verbal tics'' like making a motorbike noise then saying motorbike ( although the verbal tics generally only happen when He is with Me or Our sons and relaxed ) He only has 2 real friends and They share One of His interests ( Vintage Scooters) His current interest is ''The Walking Dead'' tv series and We have been watching all the box set from 1-4 every night for the past 2 months! He is on the 4th rerun at present! ( I am losing the will to live! lol ) He has all the figures and they are displayed in our lounge.

 What is most noticable since His break down is that His behaviours and anxieties are so much worse and more obvious, He has lost all of His old coping methods and that is proving hard to control at present.

Hi coogybear. Sorry to hear that You are in the same situation. Yes I do consider My Husband lucky that He has such good imput from Our IDT.

Regarding the reason for the breakdown, Yes it was in effect Work Related. The reason not that His job was particulaly stressful per se, But that My OH has always struggled with staying in a job since He first started working at 16yrs old.

Throughout Our Marriage I was always the main breadwinner. This allowed My Husband to leave a job whenever He could not cope, The longest time spent in a job before His last one was 4 months. However due to where We live now in a rural location with no public transport links I was unable to work ( I do not drive ) My OH started His job in March 2012 and initially as always was fine ( He is a paint sprayer ) However He was so good at His job and producing so much better and more work than the other painters that He was given more and more to do. He started becoming more and more anxious and agitated and went from working with a team of 8 to working with a team of 3 then 2 until eventually He was working on His own in His own workshop and was still producing more work then the team of 3!

He lasted 18 mths, The signs were there almost a year before He fell apart, but due to My inability to work He kept going in as We have a mortgage etc.. He was signed off 3 times in the 2 months before it all ended, But He insisted He had to go back, Until the night when He described to Me how He was planning to hang Himself in the workshop.

He has always said He wanted to be ''Normal'' and go to work like everyone else. He always felt that Others ( apart from Me ) judged Him and found Him lazy. This was never the case, He has always worked really hard and When He had His own workshop or worked from home He was fine, But this was not an option anymore.

I never knew why He always struggled in a work environment and Hubby could never fully explain what the problems were, But from going through this crisis I now understand more as He used to come home and offload to Me. The problems were various but included,  Difficulty socialising with the other employees, He found their banter and behaviour very difficult, The other employees work ethics ie playing with their mobile phones when they should have been working, His workmates packing up and stopping work to 10 minutes before the end of the work day, Shoddy work that He would have to sort out, Bullying of an employee with learning difficulties by others ( although they said they were just teasing ) There was so much He could not cope with or understand!

I did actually say to the first ever Pdoc that diagnosed Him with Adjustment Disorder, ( severe stress caused by an event, in My Husbands case, Having to be the main breadwinner )  That I sort of agreed but what if it is Life in general that is the stressor? How can He recover from that.

Sorry for the really long post, But no one in our small circle of friends and family really understands So I have off loaded a bit.

Hello & Welcome,

  I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties and those of your husband. My husband too had a breakdown in 2008, so I have some idea of the stress you must be both going through.

It sounds as though you are getting way more support than I did though. Clearly, your care support are quite clued up and that's really refreshing to hear. My region has a very mixed bag to provision, diagnosis and support.

Was your husbands job very stressful? The catalyst for my husbands breakdown was work centred, but I believe most breakdowns are a culmination of things and work is often the starw to breack the donkeys back so to speak.

Many here will offer some great advice and are really friendly. If you need to find out any specific info please ask. Their are plenty of sites and FB pages with info also.

Good luck with your diagnosis

Regards

Coogybear