Hi everyone!

Hi The Rock,

Nice to meet you to,

Tell me abit about yourself if you would like, whats your age, where are you from and what are your hobbies...

Charlie

Hi there, 

My 6 year old daughter was diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder today. I was given lots of information which is helpful. I thought i would sign up for help and support. 

Hey everybody nice to meet you all.

Hi Charlie. I just wrote a long and detailed response to your post but the NAS site decided to log me out and I can't even retrieve my post! Brilliant NAS, thanks for that... I'm going to give a short reply as a result as I'm too tired to type a long one.

Regarding dating sites, no I have not had any luck. I'm a member of two aspie dating sites but the female members never go online/never reply to messages. It's soul-destroying. I'm probably going to try Plenty of Fish again.

I tend to think about science and life etc. as well as about personal stuff. The thoughts do lead to worry a lot but I'm getting better at dealing with that now though.

I'm 23 years old. It has become easier to control the 'hyperactivity' side of ADHD and to think about what I say before saying it but my attention span is still terrible. I think it may have a lot to do with diet, though

Hi Laddo,

Sorry for the late reply I have been super busy!

So you said in your last comment that you havent finished discovering who you are, to be honest I think most people havent, people change throughout their lives due to circumstance, experiences and age. How do we find out who we are?!

You said thoughtful people are hard to find, but luckily this site is here!! I would have thought everyone on this forum is thoughtful and kind, it would be nice if people on this site could become friends, but personally I find this site difficult to socialise with, but it is excellent for sharing stories and experiences.

About the dating sites, I agree with you that they are an excellent way for meeting someone because you can specify who you seek and so can women! It also allows people to feel comfortable speaking with each other without pressure and surroundings causing anxiety!! Have you tried any dating sites? Let me know if you have any luck and / or find someone, that would be excellent news.

Rumours that you are gay? Is it just an insult to try and belittle you or do they actually think you are? I think people who accuse are trying to cover up their secrecy!!! Perhaps they are gay and in the closet!! People who havent grown up yet are the ones who behave like that I wouldnt worry what immature people say if I was you. I think they are just trying to show off and impress each other.

About thoughts, I think everyone thinks of life in general like every day things but I have found I think about the unknown a lot, about if's how's and why's and I wouldnt recommend to anyone else to think so much but its mainly science and life big questions I ponder over, do you think of these things or just think a lot about work and relationships? Also would you say your thinking leads to worry?

With the ADHD, do you feel you have became more in control of it since being older? How old are you by the way?

Charlie

Well to be honest, I still haven't finished my journey of discovering who I am, so to speak. I am still a little unsure about myself but I'm slowly improving. How about you? Definitely agree with you about the sort of girl people like us need. Unfortunately people who are understanding and thoughtful are hard enough to find as friends, let alone romantic partners! Like they say though, there is someone for everyone and I'm confident that the right woman is out there. Dating sites are the way forward I think.

I have found that interviews do get easier over time, but they are still a little nerve-wracking.  I am usually okay with them these days as I've had quite a few of them and generally can keep up the friendly/confident act for long enough but I always get some anxiety just before them. I think the key is finding a coping strategy that relieves as much stress as possible before the interview. I'm looking for office/admin or IT work for now but I'm going to art college in September so hopefully can make a career from that! Have you had many jobs before?

Yep, I've had quite a few rumours going around about me that I'm gay for some reason. I have nothing at all against gay people, it's just annoying to be called something I'm not. It also seems very childish spreading rumours that someone is gay. I would have thought people would've left that behind at primary school but sadly, some people are really that sad.

With regards to the racing thoughts, it is usually just general thoughts about work, love and relationships, things I'm interested in etc. What sort of things do you try to work out?

Yeah, sometimes I do get a lot of nervous energy. It's not as bad as when I was younger, but it's still there. Mostly my ADHD just causes mood swings and sometimes makes me say things before I think about them which has a habit of getting me into trouble!

As an aside:

Football; its distopian fuction: it seems to neatly combine the properties of a Fordian Community Sing (Huxely's Brave New World) with a Community Hate (Orwell's 1984)!!

Humour aside though...I think football is the root mechanic by which society internally develops the premium on conformity...consider 30k people signing the same songs, cheering the same achievements, desiring the same outcomes, expressing the same opinions...all because of an abstract recreational activity...how could they avoid becomming the same gestalt entity? 

Outraged, I think I get the principles of what you are talking about with football but the terminology Im finding hard to understand!!! Avi Moderator, thankyou for welcoming me and yes I had a look through this website the other day and decided to make an account and yes I think everyone on here is nice and thoughtful.

Laddo.. Its a shame that people like us feel we had to do that growing up, although most kids do even if they dont have AS because everyone wants to fit in and be accepted. So when would you say you found yourself like found out who you really were? I think most relationships under 18 dont last if it helps!!! But I think people like us need a girl who has patience and who is thoughtful, not the sort of girls that are just after looks or money!!!

Glad its not just me with the interviews!!! But we need to overcome our anxiety/worry with interviews because unfortunately employers take them seriously and although it seems like an acting session if you dont do well it can cost you a job! Im finding it very hard to get a job at the moment its very competetive out there. What type of job are you looking for can I ask? I am trying to get office work.

So you have experienced people that still gossip and spread rumors as adults too, very silly people and to be honest must not have anything to talk about or must feel low about themselves and pick on others to draw attention away from themselves!
What racing thoughts do you get? worrying ones or just 'what should I do today maybe ill do this or this"!?!? I have racing thoughts too but mainly about life and science!!! I am always trying to work everything out!!!

Having Aspergers' and ADHD, do you feel fidgety sometimes or have lots of energy that needs letting out? Most of my friends had ADHD when I was a kid and they always had stuff to say and were extremely energetic! I have heard that people who have ADHD get it more under control as an adult is this true?
I am also glad this site exists and as soon as I get a job or if I ever win money (next to impossible!!!) I will be supporting the company all the way!

Welcome to the Community, Charlie!

So glad to hear you found the website useful! We always love hearing that, of course... You'll find that we're quite a friendly, supportive bunch with some great knowledge thrown in. 

Avi

Moderator

Char, I was exactly the same! I denied having AS for years, pretending to others and myself that I was just shy. It was exhausting keeping up that act for so long. It also really damaged my self esteem I think, as I became unaware of who I was and "lost myself", so to speak. It really affected my ability to form romantic relationships too. I wanted a girlfriend all through school but whenever I was halfway in with a chance I would get flustered and embarassed with myself and end up pushing the girls away... Yeah, I always get told I'm nervous in interviews... which makes me even more nervous! What do the interviewers hope to achieve by commenting on our nerves? It doesn't really help anything.
Definitely agree with you about the rumours. You would have thought people would grow out of it once they leave school, but no, people still do it as adults. It's pathetic really. I mean do people not have anything better to do than to make stuff up about other people?
That sums up the main effects of ADHD pretty well. I have a lot of racing thoughts. It can be really annoying sometimes. It's weird having both ADHD and Aspergers as it seems like the two cancel each other out sometimes and I'll be more normal. It's strange. I am really happy that there are places where we can support each other and be united. I think it's good for the autistic community as a whole. 
Outraged, that's a very interesting way to look at football and to me, it makes a lot of sense. The whole thing does just scream "Conform!" doesn't it? Especially the whole team rivalry thing and football firms etc. The message is clear - "if you don't like our team, you're the enemy and must be destroyed." Nothing wrong with a bit of rivalry of course, but the extent to which it goes is astounding!

Hi Laddo, I get what you mean not understanding it because I didnt understand either most of my childhood and only recently have started understanding, also I used to feel ashamed as a child and I would deny having it and get angry when I was told I have it.Yeah managers are usually hungry for power status anyway so they tell everyone how they should be and pick on things they dont like, usually bluntly in my experience.
Interviews are also difficult because of this because the interviewer is expecting you to be bubbly and talkative, do you get asked if nervous in interviews or is it just me? even when you feel perfectly normal!!

Also its true people who are different in the slightest way are sometimes singled out and called weird etc. People like to gossip too and make things up if they dont know you, once people say something about you to someone else its like the thing they said sticks and people dont give you a chance and see what your like they just listen to the rumours. Even as an adult not just in school!!!!
I cant believe you done the same as me in school!! I also behaved like that, behaved a way that made me fit in!! I had friends in school but like you said I modified my behaviour and wasnt really able to be myself because I knew I wouldnt be accepted.

Most of my friends had ADHD, all I know about it is that it makes people do things quicker and think quicker, I met someone in school that had ADHD and Autism and he seemed normal to be honest. It is true, we are under the same umbrella and all understand each other. The best thing is that everyone on here wants support and acceptance and came here for support, and when people want support they rarely are nasty people, so we all know that we can pretty much trust each other on this site because we share a common struggle.

If we were a football team (I dont like football!!!) we would be AS United !!!!!!!!!!!

Recombinantsocks, I have looked into local support groups but unfortunately I would have to pay to use the services which I can't really afford  I haven't read many books on Asperger's although I would like to. I've pretty much gone most of my life not truly understanding my condition. I had a name for it, sure, but never really understood it. Things are looking a bit clearer now though.

Charlie, I often used to get told the same thing by my managers in the jobs I've had. And I totally agree with you that walking around with a smile plastered on my face makes me feel like a nutter! I'm very much a "people watcher" in that I often observe NTs' behaviour and most people don't walk around with a smile on their face all day either! Sometimes it feels like people who are in any way different get picked on and called out unfairly. 

I find it difficult to make friends too. I went through a variety of friendship groups at school, being slowly rejected by one group after another, and I came to realise that nearly everyone I have considered a "friend" after primary school I have met through other friends, if that makes sense. And like Outraged said, "friend" is defined very loosely by NTs. At school I'm sorry to say I modified my behaviour constantly to "fit in" with other people. It never really worked, and I'm a little ashamed for not just being me. It didn't help that I have ADHD and was quite badly behaved, too... I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one out there who finds it difficult to make friends though.

I'll tell you what though, even if we find it hard to make friends IRL, at least we have each other on here. Like you said Char, together we are united!

Got to agree with you on that one, especially Facebook, people have 1324 friends but theres no way you can keep up with so many 'friends'.
For sure most people just say everyone is their friend! Also, have you ever heard some of the things so called normal people say!!! If you listen you can hear people have so much to say but they talk about silly things wasting their energy!

Further, I think the NT defines "friend" far more casually than we do...they claim hundreds as friends...they cant be investing much in those relationships unless they have far more time and energy than seems likely. 

Hey its nice to meet you Laddo! Virtually of coarse! in response to your reply.. yeah like people out and about seem to look at me like they have seen something interesting! One of my previous jobs I had (am not working now :( ! ) the manager told me I should try to smile and stuff and that I look very straight faced, and I felt horrible about myself but I just explained to him I cant help it and dont mean to do it, if I smile for no reason I feel like a crazy person!!!

Thats silly isnt it people telling you that you should just be more social, if only they knew what its like to have Aspergers', its like telling someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk, the only exception is that they can never walk but luckily us people with AS can learn to socialise! Im not sure about you but sometimes I see the way people speak when they are in groups or just two people chatting, and its sometimes like they are characters in a film! The way people sort of act like they never stop talking or trying to appeal to what seems like an invisible audience!!!!

Unfortunately others cant see or feel what its like because they dont have what we have, but they dont need to know what its like I think they just need to accept that we are different to them and that we deserve to be respected and accepted!!!!!!!
Im glad to hear you are looking for friendship and so am I, I find it very difficult to make friends out in the big wide world, but to be honest when people can relate to a struggle or difficulty in their lives I think it brings people together.

It is very difficult in this world to make true friends, I think most people who have 'true' friends that they can trust and rely on and be theirself around, most of them met in school. Personally I hated school!!! The lessons were difficult because of poor teaching and other students talking non-stop and not listening when told to quiet down and work; Also it was very difficult for me to relate to the other kids and 'fit in' because I just couldnt!!! How was school for you?

By the way I am very pleased to hear you would like to set up some forums and I would like be kept updated on that and good for you that you thought of doing that it may help out a lot of people of all ages who are experiencing difficulty due to AS.

Hi both

Have you looked into the local support and social groups for aspergers and autism. I'm in Bristol and there is a regular social meetup here - I expect that there will be similar things in London.

Have you read any books or been on any courses for social skills for people with ASD? I have been using Living Well on the Spectrum by Valerie Gaus. It has sections on social skills and positive strategies for mitigating our problems.

Hi Charlie! I can definitely relate to a lot of the things you mentioned, especially people looking at me strangely and about "normal" people not having a clue what having Aspergers is like. I often have people telling me that I should just "be more social" and whenever I tell them my brain is wired differently to theirs it never seems to make a difference. It's so frustrating that people won't even at least try to see things from our point of view.

Anyway, I'm keen to make some friends on this website and I live near London too so if you ever wanna chat please don't hesitate to message me 

PS. You might be interested to know I'd like to set up some forums for people like us soon so I will keep you updated on my progress