New but late diagnosis at 44 - Life turned upside down

Just a couple of things to think about, you don't need to answer, but it may help you to be clear. Be aware your answers may change depending on how calm you feel, or stressed, it the time of day. Your perspective is altered by the mode it state you are in.

Did you feel you could be yourself, were you relaxed or always a bit on edge?

Was your hesitation for a reason; are your instincts actually telling you something?

Did you actually really say what thought or wanted, or always held back a little?

Was it reasonably balanced, or were you managing their emotions? Did they, unintentionally, feel controlling?

You can spend too much time together and become codependent. It is not necessarily bad or a problem, but it can be a challenge.

You might want to consider some personal interests that you do for yourself, even if you have a partner. Such as going swimming, or the gymn, or a hobby or activity you don't do together, could be volunteering, anything really. I have learnt this is normal and healthy. I used to do everything together, but you can become too enmeshed. Which causes problems when separated.

Do you feel a tiny bit of relief?

If you did want to try again, obviously requires the other person, would you consider joint counselling?

Try to think of something you like. Music, a film, food, something you liked when you were on your own and do that. Not a weepy film, but something happy. If you can't go for a walk at least try to go outside for some fresh air.

:-)

That's good, enjoy your time outdoors

Yes i think it is a sign of depression. I am having to force myself out of bed for the children, im barely eating and just about drinking enough. I am already on a low dose of antidepressant prescribed for anxiety and am worried about increasing it as it has already numbed my emotions. But i've never felt so hopeless as I do now.

Watching those orchids die must have been painful for you, I have a small orchid collection in addition to the houseplants. I probably do have too many plants and they did become an obsession, my partner got cross with how many I had so I threw some away to try and appease him. I think they fill the gap in my life that a job and socialising would naturally fill.

Sadly I would say every single thing you have mentioned applies to me. I have had what is to me a traumatic past when it comes to relationships. I have felt break ups so painfully and deeply that I can never fully get over them. My past has affected this current break up as I have felt to scared to buy a properly jointly whixh meant he felt insecure as we lived in my house. 

Your thread has reminded me to go my shared allotment and water the plants there!  Thanks Flower1234  :-)

Phased

Neglecting plants is what I did too, a couple of times. I suppose it is a depression like symptom.

It has happened a few times, the worst one when I watched about 50 orchids, some unusual ones, die because I couldn't water them. It took years to get them. I bought a few replacements, but I don't have the fancy ones anymore. I miss them.

I would suggesting picking the plants you would be most sad to lose, or the hardest to replace or the most meaningful, maybe 10 or 20, and prioritise those. Make sure they're watered even if it is effortful.

You might also use it as an opportunity to rationalise the collection if it is really too big.

I also considered if I was really enjoying them, or if it was a bit obsessive and a symptom of other pressures and problems, like a distraction, or a reason not to go out.

The fact you have struggled for 5 years suggests there is more to your issues than the current separation. Do you have poor boundaries, are you over giving, have you lost yourself, do you minimise your needs, do you hope the person will somehow notice what you want?

Everything I feel I must do is big and scary, like getting a job and trying to get through my partner leaving. Its hard to break these things down ️

I have given myself a break about house cleaning and have just done one thing at a time like empty the bin and then sat down for a bit. 

I do have a notepad I keep close by to write things on that I want/need to do.

Yes I really do feel isolated. It has been very helpful to get such good advice from everyone here, its been enlightening. 

The ending of the relationship is so complicated,  we both still love each other and want to be together always. I feel so responsible because of my lack of recognition of his feelings and miscommunication, it has caused a lot of hurt for him which I never ever intended. We have always had issues and he struggles to regulate his emtions too. He isnt always very good at talking about things without things escalating and him getting frustrated with me as i struggle to think of a response immediately which he takes as me not caring.

I have a fear of confrontation/arguing, not sure if this fear is an autism trait?

His dad is undiagnosed but believes he is autistic and his younger brother is diagnosed adhd and autistic so it makes me wonder if he has one or the other or both. It's just so hard when we both still love each other so much, he has talked about us taking some time apart now he has moved out and then trying again in a few months once we have both worked on our own issues. I'm just finding it so painful to not be with him when he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, we have always been inseparable, spending almost all of our time together and never getting bored of each other so this separation is extremely painful especially with my recent diagnosis and existing issues of anxiety and being in untreated perimenopause for the last 5 years.

I usually enjoy looking after my houseplants, I have around 150. I am struggling to even keep them watered these last few months.

This is also not the first time I have felt like I cannot carry on, there have been quite a few times in the last five years where I've wished I wouldnt wake up in the morning. I will look into mindfulness further as it has been mentioned to me before, I do like going for walks in nature which I usually force myself to do everyday after I've dropped my son at school.  He has been off sick all week so I can't get out which cant be helping. I don't even want to go out to the bin at the moment, I usually love my garden and gardening as well but seem to have lost interest in pretty much everything, it all just feels pointless. 

I'm just trying to get through each day at the moment, the days seem so long though. 

Thank you for your reply.

-/\- :-)

I have to say that I used to hate standing around the school gates with the ‘other mums’ waiting for my children to come out of school. I was so relieved when I didn’t have to do that anymore! 

You’re not alone - this community on here is a very good place to come to find solidarity and understanding. One of the problems with being autistic is that it often leaves us feeling isolated and alone because we struggle to make friends etc. 

Im sorry that your relationship has ended - that’s incredibly hard - no wonder you are feeling awful at the moment. For the moment I would focus on self care and healing from that - because that’s a lot to process. Take your time with that, be kind to yourself. What do you enjoy doing? 

I’ve had many many times in my life when I felt hopeless and saw no point in continuing the struggle. I now use mindfulness to help me to deal with really difficult days. For me walking out in nature is great when I’m feeling overwhelmed- I focus on what’s around me - the sensory experience of feeling the breeze, listening to the sounds, looking at the sky, the warmth of the sun on my face.  And also trying to cultivate joy in my life - listening to music, doing things I enjoy like drawing or sewing. Sometimes the little things can really help to bring joy back into your life on a daily basis. 
I learnt Mindfulness through Thich Nhat Hanh’s Buddhist teachings - but there are lots of different places where you can access these kinds of strategies. It seems like a small thing but I find it really helps. Getting out and being around people also helps I find - even if it’s just popping to a nearby town and having a look around. It helps us to ‘get out of our own heads’ and stop the ruminating. 

If you have something you really must do then write it down. In the past I wrote it on the back of my hand. If I don't want to do something I will keep finding other things and distracting myself. I know I will do this. So doing it in the morning so there is less time pressure makes it easy. I don't set a time, just that it needs to done in the morning.

For most things though, if you put them off for a day or a week or a month it doesn't really matter. So you can afford to do them on good days, and put them off on bad days. But don't feel guilty.  It is only a problem if it starts really causing issues.

You may find that with the pressure gone you can actually do them more easily.

Try not to leave things to the last moment though. It put pressure on, then if one little things guess wrong it can be paralysing and you get stuck.

Really it is about playing games with yourself to get stuff done when you have capacity. The more stuff you are worrying about the harder it is do things. Likewise, the more uncertainty there is the harder it is to do anything. So take away the pressure and break things down into smaller pieces than are less uncertain.

I like a pedantic suggestion

That sounds like a much more positive way of thinking/saying things. I will be kinder to myself from now on, thank you

I do have my dad and his partner who are trying to understand and help, that has helped a lot today along with the advice here. Ive never had lots of friends and can definitely agree with how vicious people can be, the mums on the school playground are the worst for me. I definitely need structure and routine, it stresses me massively when things change so routine and knowing what's happening is a must.

please may I offer a typically pedantic suggestion Flower1234 ?

maybe try removing the words "try to" in your kind answer to me - maybe "I am going to be kind to myself" instead? now being realistic this doesn't mean a complete and utter transformation to doing it all the time - but it does leave the semantic door ajar.  You deserve it from yourself.

My very best wishes :-)

Phased

This makes so much sense, I have always been my own biggest critic, putting myself down countless times a day when I forget to do something and it obviously adds up like you say. I don't think I realised that it is pressuring myself but it makes sense, thank you. Today reading all of these comments has been so enlightening, so many more things are beginning to make sense. I am so grateful for yours and everyone else's advice.

That sounds like very good advice, thank you so much. I was really worried about what to say to a new employer but I will definitely take your advice and wait unless I can find an employer like yours

Slowing down is part of not pressuring yourself. A lot of the pressure is self-imposed. Trying to get some control may help with the panic.

Don't make big lists. More than 7 or so things and you won't do them. Try to do one thing at a time. Break it into smaller pieces. Don't set a time limit. Just start the first little thing when you feel calm. Don't overthink it first.

Record your little wins. Try to focus on the important things first. Don't do too many in one go, even if you want to, you will struggle the next day. Try to limit it and spread things out. It will work better.

I think it’s necessary to make space but also have some structure and a support network around you. I’m frequently reminded of how vicious people can be so only keep small circles of close ones around, imo