New but late diagnosis at 44 - Life turned upside down

I know I am the same person, I have the same likes and dislikes and the same desire to be kind and a nice person. I am definitely far from calm at the moment  I think I need to try and slow everything down and try to stop panicking, which sounds easy in my head, but it isn't at all.

The good news is that it is illegal for them to discriminate you based on your disability. The bad news is that it is difficult to prove that they are discriminating you based on your disability. Hypothetically they cannot deny you employment or otherwise discriminate against you, but the sad truth is that they can easily disguise the discrimination as not being such.

My advice is to get to know your employer before you disclose, and only disclose if you feel comfortable doing so. Like, with my current employer I knew they would take the diagnosis seriously because I work for a company that works for people with disabilities. Kind of cheating, I know lol. But yeah, I would advise to wait and see if you get good vibes from your employer before telling them.

I worked in a small office for nearly 18 years, I would still be there if I hadn't been made redundant during covid. My job was a safe place with only a few people on a daily basis. There was opportunity to apply for a different role when redundancy was offered but I was scared of change and also had a 6 month old baby I desperately wanted to spend time with so I took redundancy. I massively regret this now as I could have stayed with the company and people i knew.

I am looking for a remote admin type job and have been applying for jobs, inconsistently I admit, for a couple of years. There are a lot out there but they are in high demand. The diagnosis being a benefit is true, but disclosing is a scary prospect, what if they judge me for being Autistic?

Yes I didn't expect to be diagnosed and that's it, how can that be fair at any age let alone when you have lived your whole life not knowing who you really are.

It is going to take a while to accept, that is true.

Thank you for your reply. 

Flower1234 said:

Being unemployed at the moment is a massive worry with children and a house to pay for. I need to get a job but I am scared too and have been for a few years, new places and people are very intimidating for me.

I totally get that. Keep in mind that not every job is public-facing; It’s possible to find a job where your interaction with customers is minimal. Some examples include custodial, dishwashing, hotel/hospital laundry, etc. While it still would be scary starting a job somewhere new with coworkers you don’t know, at least in those positions you wouldn’t have to worry about meeting strangers everyday.

Also, you now have a benefit you didn’t have before: A diagnosis. If you find a job that fits your skills and interests but has functions that you find difficult to handle, you may be better able to ask for accommodations now. For example, let’s say you’re doing dishwashing and it’s too loud. Now you have a better chance to get permission to wear earbuds/headphones while you work. You don’t necessarily have to announce to your employers that you’re Autistic, but the diagnosis is a tool you can use to make life much more manageable in the work environment.

I think this is true.

You question everything to go in a big circle and arrive back where you started. Not much has to really change. 

You already knew who you were deep down. But you have to examine it all. Having a framework to understand things helps you to have the courage and confidence to believe in yourself.

Once you know who you are and trust your judgement, you can start to build again.

Thank you, I hope it can get better too.

I had never considered Autism until my doctor suggested it in February, it has been a massive shock, I got assessed and diagnosed less than a month ago and still feel the imposter syndrome deeply.

I think i have lived life fearing it so far, multiple failed relationships that have broken me and swearing to stay single forever after the last explosive relationship but getting into this most recent relationship as we were best friends before any romance so I thought I'd finally found the one.

I am going to try being kind to myself, it is something I have failed at miserably all of my life, but I need to find a way somehow.

I’m 46 I was diagnosed last year, I would say nothing has changed about who you are, but it can seem harder to feel calm enough to make sense of things. It all comes around, people who make life hard for others the weight comes back onto them. Learn to enjoy small things again

I like this approach to explaining the problem. It is about self realisation and that often comes when we feel we need help most. Like the expectation that diagnosis means access to additional services or help. What helps me is getting back to me, like going full circle which sometimes takes years, or a few decades to realise what I already knew. Largely that acceptance will take a long time and the way people who look or think different are treated is harder for them than it is for others to notice how they are treating them.

Yes, it is cruel timing, there had always been arguements in the relationship but after 7.5 years I hoped he knew me, I guess the real me was mostly hidden though.

I do need to take time to think, that is definitely true, I think having struggled to make friends all of my life, my partner being my best friend makes the ending of this relationship so much more painful.

Your words are wise and I take inspiration from them, thank you for taking the time to write this response, it really has helped me try to remember that I matter.

Being unemployed at the moment is a massive worry with children and a house to pay for. I need to get a job but I am scared too and have been for a few years, new places and people are very intimidating for me.

Writing things down does help, I will try that, thank you for the advice.

Yes it certainly has turned my life upside down, that's exactly how I feel.

My ex partner could not understand why I couldn't just all of a sudden accept I'm autistic and carry on like nothing has changed, it doesn't change who you are he told me. But for me its changed everything, I am also in Perimenopause which is life changing on its own.

I definitely feel grief, if I had known I was autistic maybe life could have been easier. Your comment about never being broken feels so true, I've just never fitted in and always given myself a hard time as to why I cant just be like everyone else.

Thank you for your reply. 

Thank you

Thank you, I hope diagnosis will help me grow. Current it is just recalling all of the previous traumatic events of my life like my brain just wants to torture me.

Thank you, reading some of the replies on here was really helpful. 

I'm glad you got through your tough times, hopefully I will feel I can too.

When i got my diagnosis there was a bit of "alchemy" that seemed to take place.

Somehow one might be tempted to think that some sort of magical and miraculous transformation could be around the corner.

Truth is it's the shifts in perspective and attitude that bring clarity.

truthfully for me the clarity I got was of a whole load of poo to start with -as I analysed my situation and past events (the negative ones carry more weight to start with i found)

having been in a bit of a slough of despondency that took months to get out of and been pushed back in by a few "bad faith actors" I maybe have a bit of an insight into how you feel

maybe the thing is when we get older we are able to maybe learn the lessons of our youth

and then whether we play and have a happy time or wail away life fearing it eventually becomes a bit more of a choice one can make

I was feeling a bit poo earlier on - sorry for myself and other autistic people who maybe get a tough time in society.

I walked the dogs and felt the sun on my back and cracked a couple of jokes (trying not to do so in a cruel way that can come from being down about things) and I'm writing this to you feeling pretty OK

It gets better for me.  So on my evidence it can get better for you too Flower1234 

Best wishes

Hello. This seems cruel timing. Just when you would like some support.

If there is a positive you have time to yourself to think, to find who you are. You can focus on yourself without people pleasing, confusion and pressure.

The struggle to carry on is one I have been struggling with at times (my emotions come and go). The root cause is disappointment that all the effort didn't lead to the outcome you wanted, that even now you know why things are hard you still have the same life.

This is not helpful framing though. You coped managed and made it this far, without knowing. You probably have more than you think.

Being able to look forwards, to see hope, to make things better, requires calm. Different modes affect thinking. Stress narrows your view, tiredness amplifies emotions. A positive outlook needs a calm nervous system. It will take time and there will be ups and downs.

Try to be kind to yourself and remember you matter. You matter very much to at least the children and dog. You are still special. Nobody controls what is in your head but you. Try to make things as simple as possible, do hard things on the morning, not afternoon or evening. You have more energy then. Try not to do too many things at one time, don't save them all up, it gets overwhelming.

Try to find a little something that is just yours. Journalling helps too. You can write what you really think. Putting thoughts into words organises them. You may also see your views change depending on how you feel. This confirms that perspective is not fixed. Try to record any little successes. The mind is designed to focus on negatives and forgets or downplays positives. Seeing them written down will help.

Hi fellow 'Lateling'

That is exactly how I felt when I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I was in my fifties so can totally empathise. It turned my life upside down and inside out for both good and for the worse.

I now had the knowledge of why so many things in my life had gone wrong or certainly not as I hoped. Knowledge is power or so they say.

All I can tell you is that you will go through several stage during your adjustment to your diagnosis. I felt grief, at the lost opportunities, closely followed by anger about my past. Only when I had came through these (I do still loop back at times) did I start to realise I was never broken by autism but by an unforgiving neurotypical world that either did not or could not understand me completely.

I will say this to you to be kind to yourself as it is not your fault. If you can do that then you are on the right path.

If you’re looking for someone in a similar boat, there is Abrupt Ending of 15-Year Marriage. The OP is ADHD, I think, but is struggling with the sudden dismissal from her ASD husband. Not quite the same scenario, but maybe the folk that have posted in that thread can offer some empathy and advice for your situation?

I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation, especially during times of great upheaval, but each time I get through the tough times of change I’m glad I didn’t pull through with the ideation.

Hi Flower1234

Im so sad to read how badly things are going for you. I can only say that having experienced similar situations and extremely traumatic periods in my life my autism diagnosis has been the start of growth to a happier me. I can honestly say that now, four years on I feel privileged to be alive, to have the life I have, for my cats and home and hope for the future 

best wishes 

Alice

Hi Flower1234, 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you [or anyone else] is at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

Other free, confidential support includes: 

• Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 
• SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  
• Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
• Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

You may also find it helpful to view our webpage How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis.

Take care,

Suzanne Mod