New but late diagnosis at 44 - Life turned upside down

You’re not alone - this community on here is a very good place to come to find solidarity and understanding. One of the problems with being autistic is that it often leaves us feeling isolated and alone because we struggle to make friends etc. 

Im sorry that your relationship has ended - that’s incredibly hard - no wonder you are feeling awful at the moment. For the moment I would focus on self care and healing from that - because that’s a lot to process. Take your time with that, be kind to yourself. What do you enjoy doing? 

I’ve had many many times in my life when I felt hopeless and saw no point in continuing the struggle. I now use mindfulness to help me to deal with really difficult days. For me walking out in nature is great when I’m feeling overwhelmed- I focus on what’s around me - the sensory experience of feeling the breeze, listening to the sounds, looking at the sky, the warmth of the sun on my face.  And also trying to cultivate joy in my life - listening to music, doing things I enjoy like drawing or sewing. Sometimes the little things can really help to bring joy back into your life on a daily basis. 
I learnt Mindfulness through Thich Nhat Hanh’s Buddhist teachings - but there are lots of different places where you can access these kinds of strategies. It seems like a small thing but I find it really helps. Getting out and being around people also helps I find - even if it’s just popping to a nearby town and having a look around. It helps us to ‘get out of our own heads’ and stop the ruminating. 

Yes I really do feel isolated. It has been very helpful to get such good advice from everyone here, its been enlightening. 

The ending of the relationship is so complicated,  we both still love each other and want to be together always. I feel so responsible because of my lack of recognition of his feelings and miscommunication, it has caused a lot of hurt for him which I never ever intended. We have always had issues and he struggles to regulate his emtions too. He isnt always very good at talking about things without things escalating and him getting frustrated with me as i struggle to think of a response immediately which he takes as me not caring.

I have a fear of confrontation/arguing, not sure if this fear is an autism trait?

His dad is undiagnosed but believes he is autistic and his younger brother is diagnosed adhd and autistic so it makes me wonder if he has one or the other or both. It's just so hard when we both still love each other so much, he has talked about us taking some time apart now he has moved out and then trying again in a few months once we have both worked on our own issues. I'm just finding it so painful to not be with him when he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, we have always been inseparable, spending almost all of our time together and never getting bored of each other so this separation is extremely painful especially with my recent diagnosis and existing issues of anxiety and being in untreated perimenopause for the last 5 years.

I usually enjoy looking after my houseplants, I have around 150. I am struggling to even keep them watered these last few months.

This is also not the first time I have felt like I cannot carry on, there have been quite a few times in the last five years where I've wished I wouldnt wake up in the morning. I will look into mindfulness further as it has been mentioned to me before, I do like going for walks in nature which I usually force myself to do everyday after I've dropped my son at school.  He has been off sick all week so I can't get out which cant be helping. I don't even want to go out to the bin at the moment, I usually love my garden and gardening as well but seem to have lost interest in pretty much everything, it all just feels pointless. 

I'm just trying to get through each day at the moment, the days seem so long though. 

Thank you for your reply.

Neglecting plants is what I did too, a couple of times. I suppose it is a depression like symptom.

It has happened a few times, the worst one when I watched about 50 orchids, some unusual ones, die because I couldn't water them. It took years to get them. I bought a few replacements, but I don't have the fancy ones anymore. I miss them.

I would suggesting picking the plants you would be most sad to lose, or the hardest to replace or the most meaningful, maybe 10 or 20, and prioritise those. Make sure they're watered even if it is effortful.

You might also use it as an opportunity to rationalise the collection if it is really too big.

I also considered if I was really enjoying them, or if it was a bit obsessive and a symptom of other pressures and problems, like a distraction, or a reason not to go out.

The fact you have struggled for 5 years suggests there is more to your issues than the current separation. Do you have poor boundaries, are you over giving, have you lost yourself, do you minimise your needs, do you hope the person will somehow notice what you want?

Just a couple of things to think about, you don't need to answer, but it may help you to be clear. Be aware your answers may change depending on how calm you feel, or stressed, it the time of day. Your perspective is altered by the mode it state you are in.

Did you feel you could be yourself, were you relaxed or always a bit on edge?

Was your hesitation for a reason; are your instincts actually telling you something?

Did you actually really say what thought or wanted, or always held back a little?

Was it reasonably balanced, or were you managing their emotions? Did they, unintentionally, feel controlling?

You can spend too much time together and become codependent. It is not necessarily bad or a problem, but it can be a challenge.

You might want to consider some personal interests that you do for yourself, even if you have a partner. Such as going swimming, or the gymn, or a hobby or activity you don't do together, could be volunteering, anything really. I have learnt this is normal and healthy. I used to do everything together, but you can become too enmeshed. Which causes problems when separated.

Do you feel a tiny bit of relief?

If you did want to try again, obviously requires the other person, would you consider joint counselling?

Try to think of something you like. Music, a film, food, something you liked when you were on your own and do that. Not a weepy film, but something happy. If you can't go for a walk at least try to go outside for some fresh air.

Yes i think it is a sign of depression. I am having to force myself out of bed for the children, im barely eating and just about drinking enough. I am already on a low dose of antidepressant prescribed for anxiety and am worried about increasing it as it has already numbed my emotions. But i've never felt so hopeless as I do now.

Watching those orchids die must have been painful for you, I have a small orchid collection in addition to the houseplants. I probably do have too many plants and they did become an obsession, my partner got cross with how many I had so I threw some away to try and appease him. I think they fill the gap in my life that a job and socialising would naturally fill.

Sadly I would say every single thing you have mentioned applies to me. I have had what is to me a traumatic past when it comes to relationships. I have felt break ups so painfully and deeply that I can never fully get over them. My past has affected this current break up as I have felt to scared to buy a properly jointly whixh meant he felt insecure as we lived in my house. 

Yes i think it is a sign of depression. I am having to force myself out of bed for the children, im barely eating and just about drinking enough. I am already on a low dose of antidepressant prescribed for anxiety and am worried about increasing it as it has already numbed my emotions. But i've never felt so hopeless as I do now.

Watching those orchids die must have been painful for you, I have a small orchid collection in addition to the houseplants. I probably do have too many plants and they did become an obsession, my partner got cross with how many I had so I threw some away to try and appease him. I think they fill the gap in my life that a job and socialising would naturally fill.

Sadly I would say every single thing you have mentioned applies to me. I have had what is to me a traumatic past when it comes to relationships. I have felt break ups so painfully and deeply that I can never fully get over them. My past has affected this current break up as I have felt to scared to buy a properly jointly whixh meant he felt insecure as we lived in my house. 

Just a couple of things to think about, you don't need to answer, but it may help you to be clear. Be aware your answers may change depending on how calm you feel, or stressed, it the time of day. Your perspective is altered by the mode it state you are in.

Did you feel you could be yourself, were you relaxed or always a bit on edge?

Was your hesitation for a reason; are your instincts actually telling you something?

Did you actually really say what thought or wanted, or always held back a little?

Was it reasonably balanced, or were you managing their emotions? Did they, unintentionally, feel controlling?

You can spend too much time together and become codependent. It is not necessarily bad or a problem, but it can be a challenge.

You might want to consider some personal interests that you do for yourself, even if you have a partner. Such as going swimming, or the gymn, or a hobby or activity you don't do together, could be volunteering, anything really. I have learnt this is normal and healthy. I used to do everything together, but you can become too enmeshed. Which causes problems when separated.

Do you feel a tiny bit of relief?

If you did want to try again, obviously requires the other person, would you consider joint counselling?

Try to think of something you like. Music, a film, food, something you liked when you were on your own and do that. Not a weepy film, but something happy. If you can't go for a walk at least try to go outside for some fresh air.