New but late diagnosis at 44 - Life turned upside down

Hello. This seems cruel timing. Just when you would like some support.

If there is a positive you have time to yourself to think, to find who you are. You can focus on yourself without people pleasing, confusion and pressure.

The struggle to carry on is one I have been struggling with at times (my emotions come and go). The root cause is disappointment that all the effort didn't lead to the outcome you wanted, that even now you know why things are hard you still have the same life.

This is not helpful framing though. You coped managed and made it this far, without knowing. You probably have more than you think.

Being able to look forwards, to see hope, to make things better, requires calm. Different modes affect thinking. Stress narrows your view, tiredness amplifies emotions. A positive outlook needs a calm nervous system. It will take time and there will be ups and downs.

Try to be kind to yourself and remember you matter. You matter very much to at least the children and dog. You are still special. Nobody controls what is in your head but you. Try to make things as simple as possible, do hard things on the morning, not afternoon or evening. You have more energy then. Try not to do too many things at one time, don't save them all up, it gets overwhelming.

Try to find a little something that is just yours. Journalling helps too. You can write what you really think. Putting thoughts into words organises them. You may also see your views change depending on how you feel. This confirms that perspective is not fixed. Try to record any little successes. The mind is designed to focus on negatives and forgets or downplays positives. Seeing them written down will help.

Yes, it is cruel timing, there had always been arguements in the relationship but after 7.5 years I hoped he knew me, I guess the real me was mostly hidden though.

I do need to take time to think, that is definitely true, I think having struggled to make friends all of my life, my partner being my best friend makes the ending of this relationship so much more painful.

Your words are wise and I take inspiration from them, thank you for taking the time to write this response, it really has helped me try to remember that I matter.

Being unemployed at the moment is a massive worry with children and a house to pay for. I need to get a job but I am scared too and have been for a few years, new places and people are very intimidating for me.

Writing things down does help, I will try that, thank you for the advice.

Flower1234 said:

Being unemployed at the moment is a massive worry with children and a house to pay for. I need to get a job but I am scared too and have been for a few years, new places and people are very intimidating for me.

I totally get that. Keep in mind that not every job is public-facing; It’s possible to find a job where your interaction with customers is minimal. Some examples include custodial, dishwashing, hotel/hospital laundry, etc. While it still would be scary starting a job somewhere new with coworkers you don’t know, at least in those positions you wouldn’t have to worry about meeting strangers everyday.

Also, you now have a benefit you didn’t have before: A diagnosis. If you find a job that fits your skills and interests but has functions that you find difficult to handle, you may be better able to ask for accommodations now. For example, let’s say you’re doing dishwashing and it’s too loud. Now you have a better chance to get permission to wear earbuds/headphones while you work. You don’t necessarily have to announce to your employers that you’re Autistic, but the diagnosis is a tool you can use to make life much more manageable in the work environment.

That sounds like very good advice, thank you so much. I was really worried about what to say to a new employer but I will definitely take your advice and wait unless I can find an employer like yours

The good news is that it is illegal for them to discriminate you based on your disability. The bad news is that it is difficult to prove that they are discriminating you based on your disability. Hypothetically they cannot deny you employment or otherwise discriminate against you, but the sad truth is that they can easily disguise the discrimination as not being such.

My advice is to get to know your employer before you disclose, and only disclose if you feel comfortable doing so. Like, with my current employer I knew they would take the diagnosis seriously because I work for a company that works for people with disabilities. Kind of cheating, I know lol. But yeah, I would advise to wait and see if you get good vibes from your employer before telling them.

The good news is that it is illegal for them to discriminate you based on your disability. The bad news is that it is difficult to prove that they are discriminating you based on your disability. Hypothetically they cannot deny you employment or otherwise discriminate against you, but the sad truth is that they can easily disguise the discrimination as not being such.

My advice is to get to know your employer before you disclose, and only disclose if you feel comfortable doing so. Like, with my current employer I knew they would take the diagnosis seriously because I work for a company that works for people with disabilities. Kind of cheating, I know lol. But yeah, I would advise to wait and see if you get good vibes from your employer before telling them.

That sounds like very good advice, thank you so much. I was really worried about what to say to a new employer but I will definitely take your advice and wait unless I can find an employer like yours