Help! My daughter won’t go on holiday

When my son was young we went on holiday, but never abroad. He coped with this experience although travelling was always a challenge. As he got older he found it more and more difficult even going back to a familiar place. We stopped going away for a while until he asked again, but he still found the experience difficult. We have no one he would be happy to stay with. For now we do what we can to relax, so whilst he was at school I took leave from work to go for day trips. I understand his difficulty as I have always found being away from home difficult, but have managed the experience. There are things I would like to do and places I would like to visit, but for now I remember the holidays I did enjoy.

Would it be an option for one of you to go away with your son or for him to go on an organized holiday with other people if his age?

You say you only have one week off a year. Is it possible to change that to odd days during school time when you could both take a day off to go somewhere together?

If you are getting exhausted and not having enough time to relax, are you able to change your working pattern at all? 

I was an autistic teen once and I hated holidays.  My lovely parents essentially  forced me to go a holiday with them at 18.  So this thread is pretty triggering for me.

But your daughter is an individual and I don't know her needs.  I take it she wouldn't be able to look after herself for a weekend?  Actually I'm not sure that would be even legal these days.  But when I was that age I looked at my NT  friends being allowed to do stuff that I was not allowed to do and felt the worst pain imaginable.  I'm now  42 and I can still feel the pain I felt then and still resent my parents for it.

NAS95348 said:

I am trying a different tactic now, I have started leaving photos from past holidays, when he's had a blast, around the house and he has been bringing them to me and we've chatted about the good times we all had. 

That is a great idea - remind them of the positives from the last trip and if they bring up any negtives then get them to suggest a way to avoid these next time to make it better - having some agency in solving these problems should get them more invested in the idea and build their confidence when facing these sorts of issues in life.

I would spend some time to think of other, more adult things for them to do too - something aspirational that they can do if they feel up to it that they can brag about when they come back - or use in their Instagram / TicToc etc feeds to gain some credibility with their peers.

Hi!  I completely understand, we are currently going through the same situation with my son for the first time, he's 13. Myself, my husband and our daughter, aged 15, are desperate for a break, but at the moment he is refusing to go anywhere, nor stay with family or friends, or allow anyone to come to the house to keep an eye on him.  Any advice would be so helpful!

I have tried all the same things as you but the more I suggest, the more he seems to resist.  But I am trying a different tactic now, I have started leaving photos from past holidays, when he's had a blast, around the house and he has been bringing them to me and we've chatted about the good times we all had.  From there I've obviously been saying subtly, wouldn't it be nice to do that again sometime.  He is definitely thinking about it more now.  Next, I plan to show him photos of possible beaches he might like to visit, as he loves swimming and snorkelling, to see if that will further his interest, until hopefully I'll be able to persuade him to go.

Well, that's the plan anyway.  I feel there's 50/50 chance at the moment, I have 10 days left to work on him.  We haven't booked anything due to the circumstances, so will try to get a last minute deal if I can get him on board.  But, even if he does agree to go, there is nothing to say that when it comes to actually leaving the house on the day, he won't point blank refuse to go :(

NAS95336 said:

I feel like we’re working all week for nothing! She and her brother get to do all of their activities yet me and my husband can’t even have a weekend away or even an afternoon out! How can we never go on holiday again? What about the implications of that for my son? He loves to go on holiday! 

You are right to consider the needs of yourself and the other family members affected here.

You need to allow yourselves some time to relax and enjoy yourselves without worrying about your daughter so you need a strategy to be able to do that. To that end, how about:

1 - Let your daughter stay at home but hire a house sitter you trust to effectively babysit.

My thinking is that your daughter is at a dangerous age for wanting some independence and having the place to herself may be a temptation so make this less appealing by replacing your oversight with another adult.

They will obviously need to be trusted and aware of your daughters needs plus have access to emergency contacts (including doctor, dentist and anything else that may be needed if anything crops up).

2 - Send her to stay with someone else. Possibly a friends family who understand her situation and needs - obviously you will need to pay to cover expenses etc.

3 - Bribe. Is there something she really wants to do (eg horse riding on the beach in Devon or something special like this) that you can use as the reward for coming with you?

I've avoided anything more confrontational here although these are also options but not ones I would recommend.

Does any of that seem viable for you?