Published on 12, July, 2020
I know this might sound ‘insignificant’ in the grand scheme of life’s problems but I really need some advice. My daughter is autistic and ADHD and had always been on holidays abroad with us. About 2 years ago she decided she didn’t want to come anymore and stayed with the MIL (she’s 15). However, the MIL cannot cope very well with her autistic needs and has refused to have her again. We really want her to come away with us and have tried to iron out all the triggers I.e. having her own room, making strict plans for the days, no spontaneous activities, going somewhere familiar etc but she is still refusing. Me and my husband both work full time and with all of my daughter and sons activities we are out the house 7 days a week. We do not have any time for a weekend away or even a day out because of their commitments. We are exhausted! We have zero family help too, so cannot even have a night out. A holiday (1 week) per year is the only time we get to relax! She doesn’t want to miss out on her weekly activities and I think that’s why she won’t go. My point is, what do I do? I feel like we’re working all week for nothing! She and her brother get to do all of their activities yet me and my husband can’t even have a weekend away or even an afternoon out! How can we never go on holiday again? What about the implications of that for my son? He loves to go on holiday! I’m so stuck! I don’t want to upset her but I’m desperate to have some chill time! She won’t even consider going away in this country! Please please don’t judge me! I just wanted some advice.
Hi! I completely understand, we are currently going through the same situation with my son for the first time, he's 13. Myself, my husband and our daughter, aged 15, are desperate for a break, but at the moment he is refusing to go anywhere, nor stay with family or friends, or allow anyone to come to the house to keep an eye on him. Any advice would be so helpful!
I have tried all the same things as you but the more I suggest, the more he seems to resist. But I am trying a different tactic now, I have started leaving photos from past holidays, when he's had a blast, around the house and he has been bringing them to me and we've chatted about the good times we all had. From there I've obviously been saying subtly, wouldn't it be nice to do that again sometime. He is definitely thinking about it more now. Next, I plan to show him photos of possible beaches he might like to visit, as he loves swimming and snorkelling, to see if that will further his interest, until hopefully I'll be able to persuade him to go.
Well, that's the plan anyway. I feel there's 50/50 chance at the moment, I have 10 days left to work on him. We haven't booked anything due to the circumstances, so will try to get a last minute deal if I can get him on board. But, even if he does agree to go, there is nothing to say that when it comes to actually leaving the house on the day, he won't point blank refuse to go :(
NAS95348 said:I am trying a different tactic now, I have started leaving photos from past holidays, when he's had a blast, around the house and he has been bringing them to me and we've chatted about the good times we all had.
That is a great idea - remind them of the positives from the last trip and if they bring up any negtives then get them to suggest a way to avoid these next time to make it better - having some agency in solving these problems should get them more invested in the idea and build their confidence when facing these sorts of issues in life.
I would spend some time to think of other, more adult things for them to do too - something aspirational that they can do if they feel up to it that they can brag about when they come back - or use in their Instagram / TicToc etc feeds to gain some credibility with their peers.