Published on 12, July, 2020
I know this might sound ‘insignificant’ in the grand scheme of life’s problems but I really need some advice. My daughter is autistic and ADHD and had always been on holidays abroad with us. About 2 years ago she decided she didn’t want to come anymore and stayed with the MIL (she’s 15). However, the MIL cannot cope very well with her autistic needs and has refused to have her again. We really want her to come away with us and have tried to iron out all the triggers I.e. having her own room, making strict plans for the days, no spontaneous activities, going somewhere familiar etc but she is still refusing. Me and my husband both work full time and with all of my daughter and sons activities we are out the house 7 days a week. We do not have any time for a weekend away or even a day out because of their commitments. We are exhausted! We have zero family help too, so cannot even have a night out. A holiday (1 week) per year is the only time we get to relax! She doesn’t want to miss out on her weekly activities and I think that’s why she won’t go. My point is, what do I do? I feel like we’re working all week for nothing! She and her brother get to do all of their activities yet me and my husband can’t even have a weekend away or even an afternoon out! How can we never go on holiday again? What about the implications of that for my son? He loves to go on holiday! I’m so stuck! I don’t want to upset her but I’m desperate to have some chill time! She won’t even consider going away in this country! Please please don’t judge me! I just wanted some advice.
NAS95336 said: I feel like we’re working all week for nothing! She and her brother get to do all of their activities yet me and my husband can’t even have a weekend away or even an afternoon out! How can we never go on holiday again? What about the implications of that for my son? He loves to go on holiday!
You are right to consider the needs of yourself and the other family members affected here.
You need to allow yourselves some time to relax and enjoy yourselves without worrying about your daughter so you need a strategy to be able to do that. To that end, how about:
1 - Let your daughter stay at home but hire a house sitter you trust to effectively babysit.
My thinking is that your daughter is at a dangerous age for wanting some independence and having the place to herself may be a temptation so make this less appealing by replacing your oversight with another adult.
They will obviously need to be trusted and aware of your daughters needs plus have access to emergency contacts (including doctor, dentist and anything else that may be needed if anything crops up).
2 - Send her to stay with someone else. Possibly a friends family who understand her situation and needs - obviously you will need to pay to cover expenses etc.
3 - Bribe. Is there something she really wants to do (eg horse riding on the beach in Devon or something special like this) that you can use as the reward for coming with you?
I've avoided anything more confrontational here although these are also options but not ones I would recommend.
Does any of that seem viable for you?