Our holiday hell with our autistic son!!

Yes - I hate sun lotion. I hate applying it and I hate the feel of it on my skin. Some are definitely better than others though. 

The one I use that I find good is Nivea UV face Anti-Age and Anti-pigment Q10 Factor 50. I bought it once because it was in a little easy to carry tube but I found it to have a nice texture that wasn’t sticky. It’s really nice. Smells ok too which also matters a lot to me. 

Of course the other option is to cover up with thin long sleeved cotton clothing - then you don’t need to use so much sunblock. Hats are good too. If you don’t want to put sunblock on your face so much. 

or might your son prefer to apply his own lotion - so he felt more in control of it? 

Good luck - hope your holiday improved a bit anyway!

On a practical level, we always use Ultrasun sports spray, it sprays on, isn't thick, oily or greasy and one application lasts all day. It bonds to the skin, needing 15 minutes before going out into the sun, so is waterproof. I am autistic and have very fair skin, as does my autistic daughter, but find most skin products repellent due to their oily or sticky nature, so I understand how your son feels about having sun lotion applied.  

This is great advice Peter. There are solutions to these sorts of difficulties - it’s really a matter of detective work about why your son is reacting in this way, communicating with him and really listening and being intuitive about what’s behind his anger. People who feel secure, relaxed and safe don’t tend to get very angry. If you can help him to feel more safe and more relaxed then his anger and tension will be reduced.

I know all children are different but most children ‘misbehave’  because of underlying causes that can be addressed.

I think the key (if your child has enough understanding to do this) is communication with your child and working together. He needs to know that you are 100% on his side. When you spoke of thinking of leaving your wife (although I know it was in a moment of frustration) I think that demonstrated that you are wavering in your complete commitment to your family unit. When times are tough you mustn’t walk away - but work together. 
All families have tough times for various reasons. The key is to work together and find solutions. There definitely ARE solutions the problems you are describing about this holiday. 
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed - but it really can be ok. 

NAS80107 said:

I always remember the psychologist saying to us that he has the worst possible diagnosis in that it isn't apparently visible and so when he does start to get distressed in public it just appears as bad behaviour.

I strongly disagree. That's typical of high functioning children. Would I be right it thinking your child has average / above average IQ? If so yes it may make parenting harder but it also means with good support he'll probably have a lot more options in life as he grows up. As one specialist once said of me, 'he'll make a much better adult than a child.' I think that can sometimes be true of high functioning autistic people. That they are more able to function under adult expectations than the expectations place on children. Again the caveat being 'with support.'

NAS80107 said:

Yesterday my son, who is 9 years old turned around and swore at his mother. This is not new behaviour as it happens on a daily basis.

Have you heard of the double empathy problem? It's the theory that non autistic people find it difficult to gauge the emotions of autistic people as autistic people do to gauge the emotions of non autistic people. The thing about swearing is it is a good way to make it clear you're angry. Swearing may be a coping strategy, a way he's learned to make his anger clear to you. If you want him to stop you'll have to help him find another way to make it clear to you when he's angry with you. A lot of autistic children eventually pick up the habit of arguing with their parents when they think they are being treated unfairly. And believe me autistic people can really argue. You may not like the idea of an argumentative child but do you prefer it to the idea of one that expresses their anger by swearing? Argument is after all a rational and constructive way of addressing conflict. 

NAS80107 said:

Therefore when he does react to say having lotion applied we just feel embarrassed by the looks over from the other parents or people who are present.

Yeah the best I can suggest is try several different ones and as much as posable let him put them on himself. Failing that you don't really need sun block on covered skin. You can't really get around sensory effects just adjust to limit them. The 5 senses of many autistic people literally work differently. Some kinds of clothing can be extremely uncomfortable because of altered sense of touch. Some kinds of food can too, sometimes because smell and taste are also effected. Haircutting and nail cutting can cause real issues be cause the rough edge of a recently cut nail or hair end on skin can be quite irritating.

Autistic people are fantastic at noticing small details in pictures though. Hearing small sounds in the background. Less good at picking out one voice out of a group of talking voices. I used to cover my free ear if my mothered tried to talk to me when I was answering the phone at home. My brain couldn't parse two voices simultaneously.

Everything you've talked about here is stuff you think your son is bad at. What might help you and your son is if you spent some time talking about what he's good at. With him and your wife. Is he good with computers? Or art? Is he an avid reader? Has he developed some special interest he knows lots and lots about? Celebrate his accomplishments.

Hi, this sounds really stressful. It may seem like you are alone but you really aren't. I have the same issue. My daughter, 16, was diagnosed with autism last year. She didn't show any autistic traits but only a lot of anxiety and didn't engage with peers. She did have limited speech but we thought this was due to anxiety. 

It wasnt until 2020, when we moved house, school and area, that she struggled a lot more than her siblings and had troubles in school and home which is when CAMHS got involved and she was diagnosed. We are still trying to accept this because she doesn't show autistic traits, even now. So on a bad day, it looks like bad behaviour.  

Last year, we went camping for 2 nights, and she got really overwhelmed by the noise of my son and the family arguing that she went for a walk at 5am without telling me, to the beach, 15 minutes away, walking. To others it seemed like a teenager not getting her way and being naughty and just a teenager, when deep down, she was overloaded by the change, not having a quiet place to go, doing a lot of things, and all the anxiety but excitement which isn't the best emotions to mix. 

We get judged on a daily basis. At school she's fine and happy to be herself, an autism specialist school, so she will wear ear defenders, in and out of public, carry her weighted blanket around town, use different ways to communicate. But at home she won't. She won't wear ear defenders, or communicate with us because she looks 'weird'. The public see a teenager, who is wearing ear defenders. We see a teenager struggling with noise and crowds. 

The public need more autism awareness and it should be all special needs and disabilities. More people are being diagnosed everyday and the public have no clue what 'autism' is. 

Your son is probably struggling with the change, new place, crowds. Do your best to help him, and everyone else. What calms him? Who does he prefer to talk to? What activities does he like? Involve his favourite things. We did this with my daughter and this could stop a meltdown coming. Just make sure your daughter has some time doing things she likes aswell. I have 3 children, eldest on the spectrum, and honestly it sucks. I do have a husband, but has no understanding of autism and isn't bothered because she looks 'normal'. 

I know this probably doesn't help but I do wish you luck and hope you enjoy the holiday. 

Maybe he's out of his comfort zone?  Its a big thing going to a strange place, lots of people, different sounds, light, smells, noises.  Might be unsettling for him.

I’m sorry - that sounds very stressful. Holidays are meant to be so nice but often issues in families  can come to a head on holidays as our expectations are so high. 
When you discuss the way your son talks and swears when talking to you and your wife what does he say? It sounds like he doesn’t have a learning difficulty - so has the ability and understanding to discuss these issues with you - so when you have a conversation about how much this upsets you and your wife what is his response? 
Do certain things trigger this? Is it when he’s under a lot of stress? Are all the changes around being on holiday causing him a lot of extra stress and anxiety - is this being manifested in his bad behaviour and rudeness to your wife? When he behaves like this how do you currently respond to him? What helps? 

its worth bearing in mind though that it’s important that your son realises that autism and anxiety is not an excuse for treating his family badly. But at the same time if his behaviour is being caused by him struggling to cope in his life then if you can all work together to help him with his underlying difficulties and reduce his stress levels then things will most likely improve. 

Re. your relationship with your wife - you are both obviously under a huge amount of pressure - but separating due to the stress of this will only make things more stressful surely? And be much worse by far for your son and daughter too! I can’t see how that could improve anything. Your wife needs your support. 

Researching more about autism will undoubtedly be helpful. Most of all though the real answer to this is to communicate with your son. He’s 9 - so more than old enough for you as a family to work together to improve this situation. 

It’s still early days for you after the diagnosis. In terms of the reactions of strangers to your son’s behaviour - you just have to learn to be strong about that and care less about what others think. People sometimes stare at my son when he’s swimming or pacing back and forth etc - but I love my son and I don’t care what they think. It’s none of their business quite frankly. You just have to learn to not care about that. Your son’s well being is much more important than the opinions of others. 

Re. Your daughter - again communication is the key to this. Recognise how her brother’s behaviour impacts on her and acknowledge how well she’s doing to cope with that. Maybe organise things where her needs are the priority - so that she doesn’t feel that everything is always revolving around your issues with your son. There are lots of ways that you can support her and help her to deal with this. 

I hope the rest of your holiday can be rescued somewhat! We have such high expectations of holidays - so it’s very upsetting when they don’t go as well as we planned. I think this is very common - whether we have autistic family members or not!  I hope you can all salvage something from your holiday before you go home. Ultimately though improving things long term is much more important than your holiday - so I hope you can work through these issues together.

Good luck x 

Hi. I’m not a parent but I have autism myself. My relationship with my parents was a little rocky because of this. My advice on being a good parent is this:

First of all don’t tell your son off for things that aren’t his fault. It won’t change anything and will just create problems for the future. 
Don’t over share about him before he’s old enough to make those decisions for himself. Of course it’s important you can seek support from friends and family but you shouldn’t tell people every detail about his life before he’s ready to tell people himself. My parents overshared and it stopped my from want to talk to them for fear of it being repeated. 
Give him books to educate himself on autism. Let him learn himself instead of being told. All cats have Aspergers is a good one. And when he gets older the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and the London eye mystery are both good books with autistic main characters. 

And finally fight for the support at school. Don’t make a big deal about it in front of his classmates though. One in five children with autism get excluded from school. You can use the diagnosis to stop this. Have meetings with his teachers and explain his diagnosis to him. 

Also seek other opinions. I’m by no means an expert on parenting, there are probably thing I’ve missed. 

(And sorry for grammar I’m not very good at writing down what I think)