Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, we received a diagnosis for our son last year and he has Autism. I always remember the psychologist saying to us that he has the worst possible diagnosis in that it isn't apparently visible and so when he does start to get distressed in public it just appears as bad behaviour. Likewise at school, he doesn't get the support he needs because they look and think oh he seems to be doing ok, but it's all going on inside his poor little mind and body.
We are currently on holiday on Spain and it has by and large felt like torture and it also feels like the stress is tearing my wife and I apart. Yesterday my son, who is 9 years old turned around and swore at his mother. This is not new behaviour as it happens on a daily basis. However, this episode feels like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife just burst into tears and spent the evening back in our holiday home in tears. I just feel that it was this one time too many and she just couldn't cope. This may sound strange but even though my son was diagnosed over a year ago it feels like it is only NOW that we are getting to a place of accepting it, really accepting it at a deep level. I feel like I reached this point a few months back but my wife is now only just getting to this place of acceptance. The stress from having to constantly manage our lovely boy, who we both adore, feels Ike it's tearing her and I apart and I even found myself thinking last night that maybe we would be better off separating.This is more out of desperation than anything else.
My son has a diagnosis as such where if you were to see him, say playing around the pool etc you would not see any autistic traits or behaviour. Therefore when he does react to say having lotion applied we just feel embarrassed by the looks over from the other parents or people who are present. I know I shouldn't be bothered as he can't help it but I do. We are both sensitive people and so end up feeling really ashamed and end up leaving which in turn affects our other daughter. I feel so acutely aware of how much our little girl also suffers from her brothers behaviour.
I have made a decision that I am going to become an expert in autism in order to be the best possible parent to our son because I believe he needs us to be there for him. I would love to hear the holiday experiences from other parents as we are currently feeling isolated and lonely with it all. It feels like we are at the beginning of our journey but our son needs us and he needs us to figure this out so that we can parent him better.
NAS80107 said:I always remember the psychologist saying to us that he has the worst possible diagnosis in that it isn't apparently visible and so when he does start to get distressed in public it just appears as bad behaviour.
I strongly disagree. That's typical of high functioning children. Would I be right it thinking your child has average / above average IQ? If so yes it may make parenting harder but it also means with good support he'll probably have a lot more options in life as he grows up. As one specialist once said of me, 'he'll make a much better adult than a child.' I think that can sometimes be true of high functioning autistic people. That they are more able to function under adult expectations than the expectations place on children. Again the caveat being 'with support.'
NAS80107 said:Yesterday my son, who is 9 years old turned around and swore at his mother. This is not new behaviour as it happens on a daily basis.
Have you heard of the double empathy problem? It's the theory that non autistic people find it difficult to gauge the emotions of autistic people as autistic people do to gauge the emotions of non autistic people. The thing about swearing is it is a good way to make it clear you're angry. Swearing may be a coping strategy, a way he's learned to make his anger clear to you. If you want him to stop you'll have to help him find another way to make it clear to you when he's angry with you. A lot of autistic children eventually pick up the habit of arguing with their parents when they think they are being treated unfairly. And believe me autistic people can really argue. You may not like the idea of an argumentative child but do you prefer it to the idea of one that expresses their anger by swearing? Argument is after all a rational and constructive way of addressing conflict.
NAS80107 said:Therefore when he does react to say having lotion applied we just feel embarrassed by the looks over from the other parents or people who are present.
Yeah the best I can suggest is try several different ones and as much as posable let him put them on himself. Failing that you don't really need sun block on covered skin. You can't really get around sensory effects just adjust to limit them. The 5 senses of many autistic people literally work differently. Some kinds of clothing can be extremely uncomfortable because of altered sense of touch. Some kinds of food can too, sometimes because smell and taste are also effected. Haircutting and nail cutting can cause real issues be cause the rough edge of a recently cut nail or hair end on skin can be quite irritating.
Autistic people are fantastic at noticing small details in pictures though. Hearing small sounds in the background. Less good at picking out one voice out of a group of talking voices. I used to cover my free ear if my mothered tried to talk to me when I was answering the phone at home. My brain couldn't parse two voices simultaneously.
Everything you've talked about here is stuff you think your son is bad at. What might help you and your son is if you spent some time talking about what he's good at. With him and your wife. Is he good with computers? Or art? Is he an avid reader? Has he developed some special interest he knows lots and lots about? Celebrate his accomplishments.
This is great advice Peter. There are solutions to these sorts of difficulties - it’s really a matter of detective work about why your son is reacting in this way, communicating with him and really listening and being intuitive about what’s behind his anger. People who feel secure, relaxed and safe don’t tend to get very angry. If you can help him to feel more safe and more relaxed then his anger and tension will be reduced.
I know all children are different but most children ‘misbehave’ because of underlying causes that can be addressed.
I think the key (if your child has enough understanding to do this) is communication with your child and working together. He needs to know that you are 100% on his side. When you spoke of thinking of leaving your wife (although I know it was in a moment of frustration) I think that demonstrated that you are wavering in your complete commitment to your family unit. When times are tough you mustn’t walk away - but work together. All families have tough times for various reasons. The key is to work together and find solutions. There definitely ARE solutions the problems you are describing about this holiday. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed - but it really can be ok.