Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, we received a diagnosis for our son last year and he has Autism. I always remember the psychologist saying to us that he has the worst possible diagnosis in that it isn't apparently visible and so when he does start to get distressed in public it just appears as bad behaviour. Likewise at school, he doesn't get the support he needs because they look and think oh he seems to be doing ok, but it's all going on inside his poor little mind and body.
We are currently on holiday on Spain and it has by and large felt like torture and it also feels like the stress is tearing my wife and I apart. Yesterday my son, who is 9 years old turned around and swore at his mother. This is not new behaviour as it happens on a daily basis. However, this episode feels like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife just burst into tears and spent the evening back in our holiday home in tears. I just feel that it was this one time too many and she just couldn't cope. This may sound strange but even though my son was diagnosed over a year ago it feels like it is only NOW that we are getting to a place of accepting it, really accepting it at a deep level. I feel like I reached this point a few months back but my wife is now only just getting to this place of acceptance. The stress from having to constantly manage our lovely boy, who we both adore, feels Ike it's tearing her and I apart and I even found myself thinking last night that maybe we would be better off separating.This is more out of desperation than anything else.
My son has a diagnosis as such where if you were to see him, say playing around the pool etc you would not see any autistic traits or behaviour. Therefore when he does react to say having lotion applied we just feel embarrassed by the looks over from the other parents or people who are present. I know I shouldn't be bothered as he can't help it but I do. We are both sensitive people and so end up feeling really ashamed and end up leaving which in turn affects our other daughter. I feel so acutely aware of how much our little girl also suffers from her brothers behaviour.
I have made a decision that I am going to become an expert in autism in order to be the best possible parent to our son because I believe he needs us to be there for him. I would love to hear the holiday experiences from other parents as we are currently feeling isolated and lonely with it all. It feels like we are at the beginning of our journey but our son needs us and he needs us to figure this out so that we can parent him better.
I’m sorry - that sounds very stressful. Holidays are meant to be so nice but often issues in families can come to a head on holidays as our expectations are so high. When you discuss the way your son talks and swears when talking to you and your wife what does he say? It sounds like he doesn’t have a learning difficulty - so has the ability and understanding to discuss these issues with you - so when you have a conversation about how much this upsets you and your wife what is his response? Do certain things trigger this? Is it when he’s under a lot of stress? Are all the changes around being on holiday causing him a lot of extra stress and anxiety - is this being manifested in his bad behaviour and rudeness to your wife? When he behaves like this how do you currently respond to him? What helps?
its worth bearing in mind though that it’s important that your son realises that autism and anxiety is not an excuse for treating his family badly. But at the same time if his behaviour is being caused by him struggling to cope in his life then if you can all work together to help him with his underlying difficulties and reduce his stress levels then things will most likely improve.
Re. your relationship with your wife - you are both obviously under a huge amount of pressure - but separating due to the stress of this will only make things more stressful surely? And be much worse by far for your son and daughter too! I can’t see how that could improve anything. Your wife needs your support. Researching more about autism will undoubtedly be helpful. Most of all though the real answer to this is to communicate with your son. He’s 9 - so more than old enough for you as a family to work together to improve this situation.
It’s still early days for you after the diagnosis. In terms of the reactions of strangers to your son’s behaviour - you just have to learn to be strong about that and care less about what others think. People sometimes stare at my son when he’s swimming or pacing back and forth etc - but I love my son and I don’t care what they think. It’s none of their business quite frankly. You just have to learn to not care about that. Your son’s well being is much more important than the opinions of others.
Re. Your daughter - again communication is the key to this. Recognise how her brother’s behaviour impacts on her and acknowledge how well she’s doing to cope with that. Maybe organise things where her needs are the priority - so that she doesn’t feel that everything is always revolving around your issues with your son. There are lots of ways that you can support her and help her to deal with this.
I hope the rest of your holiday can be rescued somewhat! We have such high expectations of holidays - so it’s very upsetting when they don’t go as well as we planned. I think this is very common - whether we have autistic family members or not! I hope you can all salvage something from your holiday before you go home. Ultimately though improving things long term is much more important than your holiday - so I hope you can work through these issues together.
Good luck x