Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, we received a diagnosis for our son last year and he has Autism. I always remember the psychologist saying to us that he has the worst possible diagnosis in that it isn't apparently visible and so when he does start to get distressed in public it just appears as bad behaviour. Likewise at school, he doesn't get the support he needs because they look and think oh he seems to be doing ok, but it's all going on inside his poor little mind and body.
We are currently on holiday on Spain and it has by and large felt like torture and it also feels like the stress is tearing my wife and I apart. Yesterday my son, who is 9 years old turned around and swore at his mother. This is not new behaviour as it happens on a daily basis. However, this episode feels like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife just burst into tears and spent the evening back in our holiday home in tears. I just feel that it was this one time too many and she just couldn't cope. This may sound strange but even though my son was diagnosed over a year ago it feels like it is only NOW that we are getting to a place of accepting it, really accepting it at a deep level. I feel like I reached this point a few months back but my wife is now only just getting to this place of acceptance. The stress from having to constantly manage our lovely boy, who we both adore, feels Ike it's tearing her and I apart and I even found myself thinking last night that maybe we would be better off separating.This is more out of desperation than anything else.
My son has a diagnosis as such where if you were to see him, say playing around the pool etc you would not see any autistic traits or behaviour. Therefore when he does react to say having lotion applied we just feel embarrassed by the looks over from the other parents or people who are present. I know I shouldn't be bothered as he can't help it but I do. We are both sensitive people and so end up feeling really ashamed and end up leaving which in turn affects our other daughter. I feel so acutely aware of how much our little girl also suffers from her brothers behaviour.
I have made a decision that I am going to become an expert in autism in order to be the best possible parent to our son because I believe he needs us to be there for him. I would love to hear the holiday experiences from other parents as we are currently feeling isolated and lonely with it all. It feels like we are at the beginning of our journey but our son needs us and he needs us to figure this out so that we can parent him better.
Hi. I’m not a parent but I have autism myself. My relationship with my parents was a little rocky because of this. My advice on being a good parent is this:
First of all don’t tell your son off for things that aren’t his fault. It won’t change anything and will just create problems for the future. Don’t over share about him before he’s old enough to make those decisions for himself. Of course it’s important you can seek support from friends and family but you shouldn’t tell people every detail about his life before he’s ready to tell people himself. My parents overshared and it stopped my from want to talk to them for fear of it being repeated. Give him books to educate himself on autism. Let him learn himself instead of being told. All cats have Aspergers is a good one. And when he gets older the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime and the London eye mystery are both good books with autistic main characters.
And finally fight for the support at school. Don’t make a big deal about it in front of his classmates though. One in five children with autism get excluded from school. You can use the diagnosis to stop this. Have meetings with his teachers and explain his diagnosis to him.
Also seek other opinions. I’m by no means an expert on parenting, there are probably thing I’ve missed.
(And sorry for grammar I’m not very good at writing down what I think)