Help with autistic partners mood swings and meltdowns

Hello. My wife is autistic, and she is a therapist. She is completely okay with the term "meltdown." Classically, this is what they are called, according to her. She reads clinical and anecdotal books on autism constantly, and this is her stance. No offense is intended when using that term. Even I felt it was offensive at first, and had trouble using the word. My therapist as well sees the term as normalized and not offensive because many autistic people use the term themselves.

I'm sorry to see that you are appalled but that just doesn't make sense as all of my exposure to the autism community has not rejected or shown any dissatisfaction with the term. I really think that you could've given this questioner a break and not jumped on their case for using the term.

Hi

The main way you can support you partner by being very constant and honest - so they can predict and rely on your behaviour not to change when they need support.    If you are reliable, they can cope much better so you will see a more stable person.

A lot of things you perceive as mood swings and meltdown are a result of overload where there are too many things happening all at once and each requires a chunk of processing to be able to put them to bed in their mind.     if some of these things are about you or something you have done, there's a load more processing needed because we try to think of the best way to say something about it - but there are so many possibilities - and most would immediately cause a fight that we go round in circles in our head trying to model the perfect answer.     You will see this action going on as 'shutdown' where we literally don't know what to do that won;t make things worse.      If you try to press us for answers or you put pressure on us during that time, we are likely to snap at you - and maybe say something really hurtful that we don't really mean.

You see this spiky personality - but in reality, the person inside us is just trying really hard to arrange things in their head to be calm and sensible - but life works against us and keeps loading more stress on top before we've dealt with what's on our plate right now.

The other problem is NTs tend to confuse our processing by adding layers of changing emotions on top of what they say - so it's really confusing.

I have found the best way to calm things down is redirection / distraction.   Leave them alone for a little while to start to get things in order and then casually mention something they like in a passive way - for example, if they are into cars, mention something about an upcoming car show.   This will tend to help them parcel up all the stressful things and push them to one side while all their processing power transfers to something nice - you will probably see a night & day immediate change in their demeanour.     

Remember, all their stress is just to one side so they will be on a hair-trigger for a little while - but they will often want to engage - we don't like being stressed.   It helps us if when talking about (the car show) that you are talking about ways to enjoy it by removing any possible pitfalls that could spoil the day.       This is practical things like if it's a long way, suggest spending a night in a hotel to reduce the driving  - or maybe taking a picnic etc.      The more you make things fun and stress-free, the more balanced and interactive your partner will be.

NAS35030 said:

I am appalled you actually called them "mood swings" and "meltdowns" you are talking about a special needs person; not someone who is mentally ill.  I'd also re-evaluate why you got with someone on the Autism Spectrum in the first place.  If your partner isn't communicating with you; there's a good reason for it other than the fact the are on the Autism Spectrum.

Also this is not super helpful... autism is classified as a 'disability' and I for one am offended that you use the term 'special needs' and that you blithely say it's not 'mental illness'.

Autism frequently comes with a hatful of co-morbid conditions any of which may mean the person requires support and/or is suffering from a mental health issue.

If their partner isn't communicating you can't say why - maybe it's alexythimia co-morbid with autism so they can't recognise their own emotions to be able to discuss them, maybe it's selective/elective mutism - the subject is too painful for them to discuss without triggering a shutdown, maybe they fear being judged or that their partner will 're-evaluate why they got with someone with autism in the first place'...

And it's not 'someone with autism' - autism is as much a part of a person as left-handedness or dislike of coriander, you can't take the autism away... and don't try any of the 'person first' language BS with me, it's a denial that autism is an inescapable part of who a person is and acts as a 'qualifier' making them not just a 'person' but a 'person with...'

1. 'meltdowns' and 'shutdowns' are widely understood and accepted terms. TBH your post is the first time I recall seeing someone refer to 'Autistic Breakdown' in a year of researching autism and participating in online communities.

2. They may well have 'mood swings'... autistic people are people too y'know and get to 'enjoy' all the stuff 'regular' people do...

That said the broader advice is basically sound...

a) the shut/meltdown is the symptom of a build up of issues - try to work back to understand what these might be, replay the hours/days/weeks leading up to it. Could be things like having to deal with a noisy environment (triggers like flickering/buzzing lights, smells etc.), stress at work, forcing themselves to engage in socialising (CHRISTMAS!!!)

b) think about 'coke bottle effect' - they could be 'handling it' all day at work and then when they get home to their safe space 'blow up'... like a coke bottle being shaken, it doesn't release the pressure until someone opens the lid. If this is the case you need to find ways to safely reduce the pressure in increments e.g. don't immediately ask them how their day was or hit them with your day etc. the made need some time alone to 'depressure' - try to avoid feeling that this is a rejection "Why won't they talk to me about it?" - that's not (generally) how we (autistics) do it, it'll make it worse not better

c) try to be sympathetic - shutdowns are draining, like trying to start a car with a flat battery... the lights barely flicker on and the engine may sluggishly turn over but it's going nowhere, all you can do it re-charge the battery (however long that takes) and try later. Meltdowns are even worse - I've only had one (that I recognised as such) as an adult but I felt like the world was shattering around me and physically as if I was dying... it's scary as hell for you to see but just as much so to experience

Woah!

ive only just joined this group but I thought the purpose was to educate and support each other. Your reply is judgemental and shaming, and while you may make a fair point the way you’ve gone about it is worrying. If this kind of thing is ok, this is not a place I want to be.... and this wasn’t even my post!

First of all your partner isn't having "mood swings" and "meltdowns" the most appropriate term is "Autistic Breakdown" the least you can do is give your partner space when they are having one; especially if you don't know what you are doing or if you fear your actions might make the breakdown worse.  

Allow the breakdown to subside; let your partner recover from it and; the most appropriate thing you can do is ask them what triggers the breakdowns; listen to them and then act accordingly; help prevent these breakdowns in the first place because it's not good for them, you, or your relationship; and be as loving and as understanding as you possibly can in the event of the breakdown.

If the partner see's you or the relationship itself as the cause of these breakdowns; (I am speaking from experience) then  re-evaluate your relationship with them; re-evaluate how you treat them when they are not having a breakdown; re-evaluate your interactions with them.

I am appalled you actually called them "mood swings" and "meltdowns" you are talking about a special needs person; not someone who is mentally ill.  I'd also re-evaluate why you got with someone on the Autism Spectrum in the first place.  If your partner isn't communicating with you; there's a good reason for it other than the fact the are on the Autism Spectrum.

Hi.

Ive been married for 25 years to someone on the spectrum. 

There is a book I found really helpful called The Other Half of Aspergers (Autism Spectrum Disorder) by Maxine Aston. It has coping tips at the end which were quite useful for dealing with what you are describing.

While a relationship with someone one the spectrum can by hugely fulfilling, it’s really important that you have support. That’s the reason I just joined here. I’ll follow this thread with interest.