Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
My partner has autism we have been living together for 2 years but we have been having a few relationship problems in terms of meltdowns and mood swings. My partner doesn't communicate with me problems he is having and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any strategies to deal with this.
First of all your partner isn't having "mood swings" and "meltdowns" the most appropriate term is "Autistic Breakdown" the least you can do is give your partner space when they are having one; especially if you don't know what you are doing or if you fear your actions might make the breakdown worse.
Allow the breakdown to subside; let your partner recover from it and; the most appropriate thing you can do is ask them what triggers the breakdowns; listen to them and then act accordingly; help prevent these breakdowns in the first place because it's not good for them, you, or your relationship; and be as loving and as understanding as you possibly can in the event of the breakdown.
If the partner see's you or the relationship itself as the cause of these breakdowns; (I am speaking from experience) then re-evaluate your relationship with them; re-evaluate how you treat them when they are not having a breakdown; re-evaluate your interactions with them.
I am appalled you actually called them "mood swings" and "meltdowns" you are talking about a special needs person; not someone who is mentally ill. I'd also re-evaluate why you got with someone on the Autism Spectrum in the first place. If your partner isn't communicating with you; there's a good reason for it other than the fact the are on the Autism Spectrum.
1. 'meltdowns' and 'shutdowns' are widely understood and accepted terms. TBH your post is the first time I recall seeing someone refer to 'Autistic Breakdown' in a year of researching autism and participating in online communities.
2. They may well have 'mood swings'... autistic people are people too y'know and get to 'enjoy' all the stuff 'regular' people do...
That said the broader advice is basically sound...
a) the shut/meltdown is the symptom of a build up of issues - try to work back to understand what these might be, replay the hours/days/weeks leading up to it. Could be things like having to deal with a noisy environment (triggers like flickering/buzzing lights, smells etc.), stress at work, forcing themselves to engage in socialising (CHRISTMAS!!!)
b) think about 'coke bottle effect' - they could be 'handling it' all day at work and then when they get home to their safe space 'blow up'... like a coke bottle being shaken, it doesn't release the pressure until someone opens the lid. If this is the case you need to find ways to safely reduce the pressure in increments e.g. don't immediately ask them how their day was or hit them with your day etc. the made need some time alone to 'depressure' - try to avoid feeling that this is a rejection "Why won't they talk to me about it?" - that's not (generally) how we (autistics) do it, it'll make it worse not better
c) try to be sympathetic - shutdowns are draining, like trying to start a car with a flat battery... the lights barely flicker on and the engine may sluggishly turn over but it's going nowhere, all you can do it re-charge the battery (however long that takes) and try later. Meltdowns are even worse - I've only had one (that I recognised as such) as an adult but I felt like the world was shattering around me and physically as if I was dying... it's scary as hell for you to see but just as much so to experience