Hi, newbie from Derbyshire

Hi kezercorn, billy,

Your posts have really made me smile. My daughter too is very gifted musically and also very funny although she wouldrather die than get up on a stage! When she was in nursery she was chosen for a lead role in the nativity. After the first rehearsal she came home and explained to me that she would rather be an angel, when I asked why she explain that they were 'in the background ' and that's been her story so far, she trys to make herself as invisible as possible. I wonder if thats why she demands so much attention at home! 

The whole shopping for clothes I totally get my heart sinks when the new seasons come around. She was having a meltdown in a shop this week exclaiming 'why does my body feel so wrong in clothes' I felt so sorry for her and myself for having to manage this! How awful must it be to always feel uncomfortable. 

My hope for her is that she will eventually see her own worth and value, she has so much to contribute in the bigger picture it's good for the human race that some of us have the ability to view the world from a slightly different angle, not so good if you are just trying to fit in with everyone else. 

We love our daughters, we might not always understand them, and as frustrating as it can be at times I'm just glad she was born into our family!

Any tips from other aspie girls on how I can manage my daughters feeling would be very much appreciated! Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing! :)

Hi Billy and Logic

It's so true about the transition to secondary school, there are things that I thought would be problematic and yet it's been very positive.We were advised  by the speech therapist to keep my daughter  at nursery an extra year which has worked out really well because she isn't as mature as the kids in her class let alone the ones the year above where she should be. 

My girl's a brilliant actress too , she's always done these incredible impressions of people,  which have us in stitches. Although she is  very anxious about new social situations like joining a theatre group  or going to a friend's house where there will be someone she doesn't know, she also can be incredibly open and warm in shops or cafés. Infact I'm convinced this openess is learned or mimicked, sometimes she can be completely over the top in thanking someone in a café she says things like "that burger was the most exquisite, delicious yummy burger I have ever tasted in my whole life , thankyou so, so much!" and she'll say the same thing every week. The baker says she's never met anyone like her. Now I feel guilty talking about her in this way, it's difficult isn't it ? There are so many incidences every day of slightly odd behaviour or sometimes major meltdowns ,that as mothers we know are due to the Asperger's aspect and yet you can't express it. Here in Italy there's no acknowledgment of Asperger's, none of the teachers have even heard of it. 

 Don't feel bad about sharing the latest trauma, I'm saying this to myself too, it's a  huge thing carrying it all, especially if partners are not that clued up about Asperger's, your stories are just so familiar! She sounds a remarkable kid.  What about buying clothes or shoes, total nightmare ! My daughter almost physically attacks me as I hand her clothes through the changing room door! We can save that for another post.

Good Luck with everything

Kezercorn 

Hi again, and hello to Logic!  My daughters transition to secondary school was relatively easy.  She certainly surprises us in all sorts of ways, what we think she will struggle with she sometimes takes in her stride.  However, as she has gone on - year 9 now, I think her differences socially are becoming more apparent.  She tries to fit in and takes social clues from her friends, she is desperate to be normal (but what is normal?!) and I think thats why she has masked it all so well.  Her classmates are beginning to see that she is different, she has certainly been bullied more this year which is heartbreaking as she wouldn't hurt a fly and hasn't the courage to stand up for herself.  Girls with aspergers present so differently from boys with aspergers and that is why they are usually not diagnosed until mid teens.  She has had a boyfriend for 8 months (tho at her age more of a friend which I am glad of!) but is constantly asking me what she should say to him, talk to him about, text him, where they should go etc etc.  He is very much like her thank goodness! Thought I would share with you yesterdays trauma, she has been banging on and on about getting her hair cut a bit shorter so I booked her in and took her to the hairdressers.  We sat outside in the car and she cried because she was so anxious about whether it was the right thing to do and should she do it.  I said it was her decision and it wasn't the end of the world if she didnt like it cos it would grow.  So she went ahead, had no more than an inch taken off the length and was gutted, hates it, didn't sleep well last night for worrying about it, was trying to "pull it" this morning to make it longer and was cross that I made her have it cut!!!!  Her dad can't even tell she has had it cut but to her its the end of the world.  She refused to have her photo taken this morning for her passport  because of it at which point my husband lost his temper.  It is so hard .....  Anyway enough of my ramblings, saying all this about her makes me feel guilty as she is a very talented singer, won many competitions, has just finished filming a docu-drama for discovery channel and has an audition this weekend for a BBC workshop.  When she is on stage she is like a different child. I keep telling her, if there were no aspie people in the world we would all still be living in caves! 

Hi Logic

It is extraordinary when you start sharing experiences with other families how similar our situations are. It's great to know there is a community out there who understands because mostly dear friends, relatives and quite a few  professionals can't see it and in a well meaning way dismiss behavioural problems as phases or stages of development. I really regret not trying harder for a diagnosis when my daughter was younger. She simply marches to a different beat and there are distinct traits that here in Italy are not being picked up.

The best of luck to you, I'm not hopeful about getting a diagnosis here I think the UK is  much more ahead. It's great your daughter's teacher, social worker and school nurse are on board that's already a massive support.

I think the major issues are about dealing with the anxiety and alienation. My girl is very musical she plays the harp and flute and sang in a choir until last year so we tried to get her into the music class of our local secondary and it's great she's met some really focused kids like herself, though the change and the demands have brought out some ocd.The stress and anxiety needs to be managed and at times it really does get too much. She's also questioning why she's so different, I'm lost for answers at times . It's critical that she maintains a positive image of herself and  that the ocd doesn't get out of hand. She asked me the other day if she is mad! Help!

Adolescence is difficult for most kids but especially for highly functional Aperger's who have zero support or guidance and slip through the net.

As we say in Italy take courage,

Best wishes Kezercorn

Hello, gosh reading all this islike a carbon copy of own own family!

My daughter is only 11years old and we are just starting the journey of diagnosis although her teacher, social worker and school nurse all feel she is asd. Her anxiety levels at times are so high and her anger is often directed at me. She will say she wishes she wasn't born it's so hard to hear her say that especially as we love her so much!  I am dreading her starting secondary school in sept she has been supported really well in primary and I don't think the same level of support will be offered in the future. Life seems so hard for those on the spectrum and it is so unfair. I just want my daughter to be happy and be all she can be. Her 'difference' for want of a better word, is becoming more evident as her peers are developing some of the social skills she is lacking, I  am sure most of these will develop in time she's  a funny, clever and talented human being never ceasing to amaze me! I just wish society could celebrate our differences instead of expecting everyone to fit a certain mold.

Hi Billy

Thanks for your swift reply. How funny my daughter just rang me to tell me she was getting wet in the rain and that she had just got two excellent marks in geography and maths , as if it couldn't wait she's two minutes away and will be here any moment, but that's it isn't it, the waiting part is agonising for girls with Asperger traits and as for mud on her new converse that's a regular one for us too. I think it's the level of distress about the mud on the converse that distinguishes my girl from her friends who  just deal with it , with my girl it throws her into ocd like doing fifty handstands or counting. Teenagers are difficult I've got a sixteen year old boy who can be pretty hard work himself but it's more recognisable and easier to handle , the strategies I use with him are not possible to apply with my daughter, it's like the ground is shifting all the time. Having another child who is developing more or less in a predictable way highlights  my fears about the future of my daughter, and that's where I feel very panicky and alone. As for university I believe there's some  support , I've a friend who's son with Asperger's is doing pretty well. I'll find out and let you know.

I think you're right you have to laugh, the other day I was talking to my girl about having to tick boxes for a test and she looked puzzled and said "where are the boxes? she'd actually imagined a room full of boxes she'd have to tick. Bliss! Not so bliss is that she's come into the kitchen straight after lunch complaining that the smell is too much. Duty calls, I have to wash up right away. We don't want a meltdown.

 All the Best

Kezercorn

Thanks

Hi Kesercorn, thanks for your reply.  My daughter walked at 10 months old, she was so advanced in absolutely everything she did but her ocd was very hard to cope with, shoes were an absolute nightmare and she would only eat and drink if it was on a yellow plate/cup and her meltdowns were uncontrollable.  She still has mega meltdowns now, the latest being choosing a reading lamp in Ikea - give her a choice and she just can't cope.  Remarkably her OCD is so much better now and she has managed to control it but her anxiety is just getting worse, I think perhaps its an age thing.  Your partner sounds like mine, totally closed to the idea of it but deep down he knows she is so different to our other two daughters.  I wish you all the best in trying to get a proper diagnosis, its took me 10 years, they just kept saying "sufficient evidence of" which was ridiculous.  Thank goodness for second opinions, at least we have clarity.  I do worry about her future, how she would cope if she went away to university as she needs so much help and support and rings me constantly neven now if she is out with her friend, for example she got mud on her new converse and was absolutely distraught and didn't know what to do!  I have to laugh otherwise I would cry!  Keep pushing .......

Regars, Billy

Hi Billy

I'm new to this too, I just wanted to share that I also have a thirteen year old who I am  trying to get diaognosed, infact she's asking for it herself. She's an utter perfectionist and a high achiever. I'm living in a different country where Asperger's is hardly recogonised and it's all the anxiety attached behaviour which is pushing me to insist on a diagonosis. Girls at this age are having to deal with a cocktail of hormones and complex dynamics at school, it's so good to get support and help.

Feeling alone and isolated  is awful, I completely understand. At times I feel  overwhelmed and out of my depth, having to deal with difficult behaviour like being told not to look at her while she's talking to me  or  being shouted  at if  I accidently brush past her or touch her. My husband can't quite accept that it's possibly Asperger's although he knows deeply that something is not right. The doctors here are excellent on many levels but as far as autism is concerned they are way behind. They didn't think anything was wrong when she couldn't sit up  or roll over at ten months, she began  walking at two and talking at four and still she was just considered a late developer. Now she's compusively counting everything in sight from the slats in the shutters to the perforated holes in the garden chairs.  Her bedtime routine is measured to an extreme  and there's a precise sequence to the order of things . It is difficult but she's amazing too , her hearing is extraordinary she can identify the sound the breaks of a  relatives car in busy traffic, even though she'd only been in the car twice.  I think it's important to tap into the skills and gifts our children have and try to get as much support as possible.

Best wishes

Kezercorn