A National Friendship Database

I seem to manage to avoid offending people. My mother was/is super easy to offend so i guess walking on eggshells there trained me when young to be careful. I think it's very easy to offend people, and it can be down to something very subtle. I've been watching one of my AS friends and seeing how he can easily offend, but i've no idea what feedback to give him cos It's subtle.

And yeah, we have to own our stuff if it is us being more needy than is normal. Academic circles are good, they like deep and meaningful!

Mark (NicheMarket) said:

Bizzarley I think I have higher social demands than NTs cos maybe I don't get fulfilled from extended family n work n casual connections, and i,m compensating for childhood loneliness.

That sounds just like me!

And like you I also want to talk about deep and meaningful things, but I've learned many people don't like that, it's too much for them.

In the last few years I've definitely learned to keep in touch with people more and keep trying to contact them instead of giving up early on. Or even ask if they're okay if I haven't heard from them in a while.

Although that has backfired on me spectacularly a few times. I've asked someone if they're okay as I haven't heard from them, and received an angry email/text saying 'I didn't like what you said last month (or whenever), it was really horrible of you.'

That is always news to me because they never said anything at the time or seemed angry or upset, and I can't remember everything I say. So that's led to a few horrible situations. I've more or less given up asking if people are okay if I haven't heard from them for a while as I'm afraid of the reply.

It's like living on an alien planet tbh.

I recently thought I'd been dumped, but when I finally talked it through months later with someone he said I'd misinterpretted the situation and I'd actually signalled (accidently) my backing away. 2 friends have since agreed. We're now hanging out again, albeit we haven't processed the tension so there's kinda something in our way.

People seem to move on from me. I think NTs like groups, and I'm not good at that; I'm no good at talking usual stuff like tv, popular culture, etc; I tend to do deep and meaningful and when they don't need anymore or the reminder of what they've said that they move on, or if they've told me too much they run away like they do with therapists; and people have a limit for how many people they can have intimately in their life. Bizzarley I think I have higher social demands than NTs cos maybe I don't get fulfilled from extended family n work n casual connections, and i,m compensating for childhood loneliness.

I,ve n AS friend who struggles a bit, lots of acquaintances but few friends. I can see some things he does, like I,ll say do you want to do x by text and he'll reply no. Even i know you have to signal you'd like to another time. I got very insecure with him even though it was clear i was his best friend ever.

Then another AS guy I know who can be lovely can operate in a very functional way and appear not to appreciate the relationship even though he says he's closer to me than most. But at times says stuff i find pushing away, even hurtful.

So I can see we can be clueless, and at times to blame. I'm learning to talk things through better, not get so insecure and perceive rejection where there isn't (they've just competing demands), and to make friends that will last and let go of those i hold onto.

I'm really jealous - we were going to escape to the country until my health collapsed.      

Think back to your childhood - what toys did you love the most?      There's all sorts of dressing-up hobbies - historical recreation groups and ComicCons.       Were you into Lego or doll's houses - it's a huge industry with lots of conventions and groups.    If these things appealed to you, you'll find like-minded people there.

You actually sound really interesting - I'd be your friend.

I know exactly what you mean. All I want is people who understand me and care about me, a group of friends like that. But no one ever seems to like me or understand me. I have one husband and one daughter, most people who seem to be friends just suddenly dump me, I don't know why ‍♀️

You're probably right that I'm looking in the wrong place but I didn't have any childhood interests, not that I can remember anyway. I just kind of went along with other people, I never had hobbies or went to any groups. I've always just been bemused by life and just trying to cope, bobbing along in the ocean.

In 3 years time though, we will be moving away from this boring, lonely village to pastures new- a town with 5 x the population of the village. I'm lucky that my job allows me to work from anywhere with internet, so I'm counting the days til my daughter finishes her education and we can move. I've been stuck here 20 years now but in THREE. MORE. YEARS we can fly away! tick tock tick tock 

I think that's my problem in fact. Due to declining health, I decided last year (before the pandemic) not to go out anymore so I stay in unless I need to buy some urgent thing from the village shop. I'm just stranded.

I really think you're just looking in the wrong place for friends - dig into your childhood interests and just look for the adult version - that's where you'll find all the people just like you - and I'll bet they'll all be ASD too.

I've met people off this website - the ones who sound interesting - we go to lots of places together - aircraft museums all around the country.

 ,i don't understand the friend thing , It all seens like an act that i don't know the rules to .just gets so stressful ,

 5 years ago i used to visit an end of the world cult in devon ,called twelve tribes  and they where nice to me ,i suppose that would be what having friends would be like, they pretended to care and be  interested[ but it was fake they just wanted my land and money] but it was kind of nice pretending.

Thanks, I'm on Nextdoor, I'm not that keen, but I haven't seen Streetbank, I'll take a look!

Ta, i'll look at these.

Yeah, groups mostly don't work for me, but they are spaces to find individuals. I've leant recently to go to places/groups that will have the type of person i'm looking for, and to keep with it til someone pops out. It's a lot of work but worth it.

These 2 sites may have what you need...

https://www.streetbank.com/splash?locale=en-GB

and...

https://nextdoor.co.uk/

I think the internet has mainly brought out the bad side of human nature into plain view. Not the NAS site of course (she said quickly)

But what I'd like is a site to meet real people in my neighbourhood that I can actually meet, not just have chats online with. Online friends are no good when you need practical help right now e.g. a bit of shopping when you can't leave the house as you're looking after your sick child; your shower is flooding the bathroom; you just want a cup of tea and a cake with someone; you want to go out in the sunshine for a walk and a chat; your motorbike gets stuck in the mud and you can't move it alone.

However I'm learning that online is generally a fake place, the only way to meet my neighbours is in real life. e.g. I now send Christmas and Easter cards to my closest neighbours and now I know 7/9 of them.

btw when the above situations happened to me, I had to hang out the window to ask passers by to help me with shopping when I couldn't leave the house due to a very sick child; with the motorbike, we had to phone relatives from a long way away to drive over here to help. We had no local friends so were isolated. We all need local friends round the corner.

I've had this desire for decades. The image of it in my head is not conducive with the world we live in. While one would hope the best intention from patrons there are negative percentages to consider. Also level of impunity in disclaiming responsibility for events off site.

The idea is great and I think a lot of people would be up for this. The reality is that it would be tarnished within a week by disrupters, scammers, liars etc.

Most dating sites used to have the option to indicate friendship only and there are a lot of special interest (ahem) sites now pervasive over the internet globally.

I think this is the way to go. This site right here - NAS - where people of a certain distinction can communally express themselves with others of likely a similar mindset. You may be looking for what you already have.

Oh gosh meeting people with similar interests sounds amazing! I've just decided I don't fit into groups, I just get bullied. But as I said, we are moving away from this village in a few years to new horizons, a fresh start etc. Maybe I'll meet more friends there.

Oh god that is sad that we need one. What's she been doing in all that time, I haven't noticed any official programs etc.

I'm not without folk, so not lonely that way, but would like to meet people with similar interests, esp someone to do 7:30am outdoor circuits with, or tai chi, night time fell running, wild camping, instead of nagging my friends and not getting anywhere.

We actually have one, I think it's Tracey Crouch or something, she was appointed 2-3 years ago!

Well doesn't that apply to dating apps too? They seem to be going well don't they? Or surely they'd be closed down.

The friendship one would have to be linked to some official body to run it I guess. I don't know...but there is a epidemic of loneliness in modern times. I see Japan has appointed a Minister for Loneliness because more Japanese people killed themselves last month than died from Covid in the last year.

I wonder if the UK will need a Minister for Loneliness too...