A National Friendship Database

 ,i don't understand the friend thing , It all seens like an act that i don't know the rules to .just gets so stressful ,

 5 years ago i used to visit an end of the world cult in devon ,called twelve tribes  and they where nice to me ,i suppose that would be what having friends would be like, they pretended to care and be  interested[ but it was fake they just wanted my land and money] but it was kind of nice pretending.

I know exactly what you mean. All I want is people who understand me and care about me, a group of friends like that. But no one ever seems to like me or understand me. I have one husband and one daughter, most people who seem to be friends just suddenly dump me, I don't know why ‍♀️

I know exactly what you mean. All I want is people who understand me and care about me, a group of friends like that. But no one ever seems to like me or understand me. I have one husband and one daughter, most people who seem to be friends just suddenly dump me, I don't know why ‍♀️

I think my mum could have BPD or narcissism as I said. Look up narcissism, it would ring a bell with you. My dad might have been autistic...but he died 40 years ago so I can't remember much about him.

Same here. My mum doesn't know me at all, she is like an acquaintance, and it's getting worse as she gets older. I realised after I reached 20 or so, she saw me as competition. I had my very first boyfriend aged 23 and she chatted him up, went on long walks with him, sided with him to the point where I had to ask him if he wanted me or her? I can't imagine doing that with my daughter, she isn't competition, she is my baby!

@kikicat ocpd is Obsessive Compulisive Personality Disorder. Someone posted recently about it and i read the wiki on it. It shares some traits with autism but a lot of difference too. Elements seem like a mean version of autism.

@kikicat, yes, my mother gets upset if i show difference, like i don't watch tv like she does, don't like carrots like she does. It's like she can'r see me as separate. I assumed she had Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't think there's any autism there, my dad and his dad seems to have brought that.

Anger was the dominant emotion with him too. Not with me though with Mum. I think he was overwhelmed with emotions in general in himself & others and had no clue what they were let alone how to handle them. Anger was his response to the overwhelm I think which rendered him useless in ever being able to have any kind of difficult conversations or cope with anything difficult happening in his life.

The anger led to the marriage break-up which in turn closed him up even further. There was never any real bonding or affection throughout his life with any of the kids he had. He was unconsciously petrified of emotions. It wasn't like having a Father, more of a family acquaintance or something. 

It's a pity they don't teach these things in school. We'd all be a lot better off.  

I think you're right. They are either pushed around or do IT jobs. And/or an assertive woman decides to marry them and organise their lives. I've seen lots of couples where the man is an eccentric boffin, and the woman is a mother earth, friend to everyone.

My mum is like that: intelligent but no idea about emotions or feelings. She always got angry when I showed emotions or had needs which didn't correspond to hers. And she got angry when I didn't understand her needs or fit in with what she wanted to do. She's always angry, that seems to be her only emotion.

I did read it a few years ago. I identified with it but was wary of asking about autism testing at the doctors' because every other problem I've asked them about has been dismissed or even mocked.

I think I'm just too intellectual for most people, who prefer talking about celebrities. But of course I'm stuck in this backwater til my daughter leaves education. Trudging along, day by day.

What's OCPD?

Yeah, I'm definitely seeing a pattern with mental health issues of people generally running away because they don't know what the hell to do about it. My own past included. I suppose that manifests in differing ways depending on the individual. Having routines, rigid daily structures, filling every waking hour with activity, prescribed medication, self-medication of alcohol or drugs and so on. I'm glad you've found the healthy version and what works for you.

As for a cure or healing, I don't think there is one-size-fits-all, universal magic cure. At the moment I am leaning towards the idea that healing can only come about through an understanding of one's own suffering and in turn, of suffering in general. I think it's up to the individual what they do with that or what it propels them to do to find their own healing or maybe even a purpose from it. 

He's a Canadian doctor and addiction and mental health specialist who is also ADHD. Many videos and some books available from him. I'm just beginning to explore this area but he is really a helpful resource. Very compassionate and real and easy to understand. 

Who's Gobor Mate? And what else have you found out Turtle?

The truth is I'm probably most soothed when in a relationship.

Seeing 3-4 people regular works for me, more than lots of people a tiny bit. I train with someone 3 times a week, so that fills two eves and gives a structure to Saturday. It tires me, I have a bath after, eat and of an eve read and go to bed early. We chat, but he doesn't dig.

Sunday I have a long run with a new'ish mate. Again it gives structure to the day. The reliable weekly rhythm of seeing each other suits me. He's busy with family so there's a clear boundary on not being able to hang out more.

I then see a work colleague that I'm in a bubble with once ot sometimes twice a week.

I've learnt how to do holidays on my own around sport, mostly fell running and camping or hostel and walks.

If I get neurotically social I find three nights on my own and I reset and am content, generally.

Avoiding love drama seems key, but hard even when i try not to be drawn to someone they always find a way in and mess with my head, n heart.

Oh, n 5 Spurit accupuncture helps me, p,us all my goals and special interests. But dealing with the old grief and black holes, dunno.

Mark, I think no matter what it is that causes suffering, those people need to be heard and their story told. After all, it's the way we live as a collective that is the cause of most mental health issues therefore imperative the sufferers are listened to so we can collectively address the causes for prevention in the future. Otherwise, the issues will be passed-on from one generation to the next. 

With the need to be soothed, I believe it comes from childhood and yes, I think the sense of identity is central to that or at least a major part of it. I know Gabor Mate and others have looked into these themes in more depth. Can it be rectified or managed ? I don't know but it's something I'm trying to explore atm. Have you had any good advice in this area ?

Turtle, it's odd isn't it, aspies are supposed to be asocial. I've definitely had periods in my life where i've been a hermit and thoroughly been content, but these days seem to be fairly neurotically sociial. It seems one or the other, that I can't find the balaNce, and yes, that i can't find be "soothed."

I'm not sure why. Could be I have a weak sense of self, that i only know who i am when with others. Or that there's a nahgover from infancy or childhood. At the moment it's cos I'm struggling with being in love with someone who's struggling with the situation.

I've noticed that in lockdown i don't need much. People have been quite reliable so I get a daily run in with someone and that seems to be enough. They're not even close friends but abit of NT conversation seems to do me. If I ever do get into a relationship again I'll have to see what happens, am i soothed, or still neurotic!

That's what i always want, to be behind the throne, leading from behind. At the mo' I've got an NT as my right hand woman, and is proving good. I do a lot of the people stuff still, but she points stuff out to me, draws boundaries quicker, is less of a dormat and i follow her lead on this. 

What types/groups of AS men are there, that would be useful to know as well.

In my measurements, the majority of ASD men are bullied and pushed around - they end up doing McJobs - cleaners, shelf stackers, storemen etc.    The lucky aspie-types end up in a techy/nerdy job - the classic boffin type.

Very few make it to management - they burn out early and can't hack the politics.

I did management for a few years - what a load of hassle - I had 18 women and 4 blokes reporting to me - I never wanted to have staff again!   I preferred to be a Riker or Data character - a technical advisor and expert and right-hand man for the manager with NT people skills..

Bizzarley I think I have higher social demands than NTs cos maybe I don't get fulfilled from extended family n work n casual connections, and i,m compensating for childhood loneliness.

That sounds just like me!

And like you I also want to talk about deep and meaningful things, but I've learned many people don't like that, it's too much for them.

Me too. It feels like something can't be soothed and I don't know what it is. 

A lot of people can't handle much below on-the-surface chit-chat and some don't want to hear any issues you may have if it's mental health related. I've seen people's reactions when even the minimalist, just slightly below the surface, issues are raised, it scares the *** out of them. You can see how uncomfortable it makes some feel and others you can see they just want to escape or avoid those kind of conversations. I guess that's why there are so many therapists in work these days. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.

One of my parents is one of those types who sees everything through an old-fashioned, very simplistic, black & white lens and is overwhelmed by anything complex or difficult. In many ways things have improved in mental health but I think there are still many immature people around who have never been used to grown-up adult conversations. Most of the adults I grew-up around were still very immature in their 40's & 50's. Many of them have never read a book beyond schooling. I think it says a lot about the education system they came through. 

Have you read Aspergirls @kikicat?

The stuff on women seems to apply to me better than the stuff on men.