Failure

AbigailSweet said:

I'm sorry you were disowned like that. It must have been so awful and confusing for you at the time. Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences with me. Hope it didn't bring back to many unhappy memories.

Thank you, it is very kind of you tho think of me while you are going through so much. I didn't mind sharing my story with you, it's no where near as painful as you might think anymore. I was really worried about you and felt it was perhaps the best way to let you know that you weren't alone. 

AbigailSweet said:

I wish I was stronger so it didn't bother me but it does and I can't help feeling upset by all this

You are stronger - stronger doesn't mean not feeling or not being bothered, stronger is feeling the hurt and the pain but remembering to keep going. Courage is not fearlessness - it's knowing you are fearful and trying your best despite all that. 

You can be a strong person and still give yourself time and space to cry, you can be courageous but still need to do a little hiding, that's how we look after our selves, that's how we don't burn our selves out. 

May I ask how old you are? You don't need to give a specific age just and age bracket will do or do you legally need to still be living with your dad and his now wife? I feel a bit bad asking that in case it makes you vulnerable, but there's no point in me advising you on how to solve your lunch problem if you're a 20something university student. 

AbigailSweet said:

They both make me feel completely worthless and sad all the time.   I miss my mum so much. I would do anything to see her again.

There is an awful lot said in that last line. I can assure you it won't always be like this. I can't make any promises about what it might be like in the future whether better or worse but I can assure you that things aways change in one way or another. 

I'm glad you came back to the forum - I hope you stay and it can help you. 

Hello AbigailSweet,

It almost broke my heart when I read this. It has taken a lot of courage to tell others of your problems.

Firstly, YOU are NOT a FAILURE. Surviving the death of a parent a young age is difficult enough. To then have to put up with a (For lack of a better word) cretin of a wicked stepmother is outstanding.

From what you have said about her, it would appear that she is also making your Dad's life a misery. She could very well be using the same techniques as with you. Making him feel as though he is not good enough and that he is a failure in order to control him. I'm not making excuses for him here, but it appears that he may be wallowing in his own self-pity brought about by this woman. Then again, he may well still be in mourning, as you are. Which is understandable.

However, you still have time to turn things around so that you will be able to finally escape and make a great future for yourself. When you eventually become a great success, your stepmother will realise, too late, that she has shot herself in the foot in giving you, what is essentially unwarranted verbal and emotional abuse. If you can make a success of your future, getting good grades, going to university, and getting a good job, I'm sure that your Mum will look down on you very proudly.

When I was in school, I had to put up with a lot of cretinous oiks that tried to break my spirit. Sometimes they very nearly succeeded. However, I managed to ignore them by reminding myself that bad karma has a way of coming back to haunt the perpetrators. 

Don't worry sweetheart, you'll be alright.

God Bless.

*Leaf: I just woke up. I had a dreadful night. Couldn't sleep just cried all night.

I'm sorry you were disowned like that. It must have been so awful and confusing for you at the time. Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences with me. Hope it didn't bring back to many unhappy memories.

I feel like I've been disowned. My dad doesn't care about me anymore because my step-mum keeps telling him I'm no good and that I don't try and she purely doesn't like me at all. She purposely makes everyday miserable for me. She "forgets" to make me a lunch, if I want to talk about what's on my mind she's to busy and if I want to see my mum at the cemetery her car never has enough fuel. I wish I was stronger so it didn't bother me but it does and I can't help feeling upset by all this

They both make me feel completely worthless and sad all the time.   I miss my mum so much. I would do anything to see her again.

Night night. I hope you sleep well.

*Graham Thanks Graham. Very kind of you to write this message and find that link for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself and not listen to those inside my head! I can't get to the doctors alone unfortunately as we live outside of town and my step-mum probably won't take me

Hello, I’m so sorry that you are feeling unloved and down.

I would suggest you tell your GP about how you are feeling.

You may like to ask a question on the Spectrum Women site, it has a global community: https://www.spectrumwomen.com/category/ask-the-spectrum-women/

I don’t think you are a failure, it sounds more likely that the people around you are failing you.

Keep talking on here - many of us have gone through dark times - and be kind to yourself.

Take care, Graham.

Oh I'm so sorry you feel this way. But you are not a failure even if you feel that way just now. I can not tell you how many times I have felt just as you do now. But I can assure you you have not let these people down even if you can think of a dozen reason just now that seem to suggest that you have, they don't mean you have at all. If your stepmother is saying these things then she has issues of her own and has no right to take them out on you. My parents disowned me when I was a teenager and it hurt like hell at the time, and I won't lie it took me a long time to come to terms with that rejection; it made me feel like a failure and like I had done everything wrong but looking back on it now I wish I could tell young me that it was them who failed me not me who failed then. I was a frustrating child and teen, but I was just that a child that didn't know how to cope and I too tried with all my heart to be a good girl but I was never enough, I could have been perfect and I would have still never have been enough. Every time I didn't perform perfectly I saw that as a justification for their not wanting me. 

I'm not trying to make this about me I just want you to see what I see with the hindsight that I now have. I am worried by your obvious pain and I want you to know that what you feel is normal when you find yourself with such a gulf between you and the people who are supposed to love you the most. That need for a safe place is overwhelming and the fact that you had it but lost it is one of the hardest things to deal with sometimes. 

I have to go to bed and sleep now but please stay safe through the night.