Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm hopelessly lost. I'm a horrible human being and as my step mum never gets tired of telling me I'm a failure.
I failed my dad.
I failed myself.
And what hurts the most is I failed my birth mum god rest her soul.
I really thought I could do well for myself but it was just a hopeless quest which I never stood a chance of doing. My grades have hit rock bottom. My dad no longer cares about me and my step mum hates my guts and constantly tells me I'm worthless.
I'm just done. I tried, I really tried to be a good girl and to wear a mask to be just like everyone else. I tried and I failed and now I just feel like it's over for me. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm unloved and being here like this is making me depressed and sad.
I'm so tired I need to sleep but when I sleep I'm plagued by nightmares and ghosts from my childhood night and day.
I hate who I am. I just want to go away and be with my proper mum again. She loved me and never once called me a failure.
*Leaf: I just woke up. I had a dreadful night. Couldn't sleep just cried all night.
I'm sorry you were disowned like that. It must have been so awful and confusing for you at the time. Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences with me. Hope it didn't bring back to many unhappy memories.
I feel like I've been disowned. My dad doesn't care about me anymore because my step-mum keeps telling him I'm no good and that I don't try and she purely doesn't like me at all. She purposely makes everyday miserable for me. She "forgets" to make me a lunch, if I want to talk about what's on my mind she's to busy and if I want to see my mum at the cemetery her car never has enough fuel. I wish I was stronger so it didn't bother me but it does and I can't help feeling upset by all this
They both make me feel completely worthless and sad all the time. I miss my mum so much. I would do anything to see her again.
Night night. I hope you sleep well.
*Graham Thanks Graham. Very kind of you to write this message and find that link for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself and not listen to those inside my head! I can't get to the doctors alone unfortunately as we live outside of town and my step-mum probably won't take me
AbigailSweet said:I'm sorry you were disowned like that. It must have been so awful and confusing for you at the time. Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences with me. Hope it didn't bring back to many unhappy memories.
Thank you, it is very kind of you tho think of me while you are going through so much. I didn't mind sharing my story with you, it's no where near as painful as you might think anymore. I was really worried about you and felt it was perhaps the best way to let you know that you weren't alone.
AbigailSweet said:I wish I was stronger so it didn't bother me but it does and I can't help feeling upset by all this
You are stronger - stronger doesn't mean not feeling or not being bothered, stronger is feeling the hurt and the pain but remembering to keep going. Courage is not fearlessness - it's knowing you are fearful and trying your best despite all that.
You can be a strong person and still give yourself time and space to cry, you can be courageous but still need to do a little hiding, that's how we look after our selves, that's how we don't burn our selves out.
May I ask how old you are? You don't need to give a specific age just and age bracket will do or do you legally need to still be living with your dad and his now wife? I feel a bit bad asking that in case it makes you vulnerable, but there's no point in me advising you on how to solve your lunch problem if you're a 20something university student.
AbigailSweet said:They both make me feel completely worthless and sad all the time. I miss my mum so much. I would do anything to see her again.
There is an awful lot said in that last line. I can assure you it won't always be like this. I can't make any promises about what it might be like in the future whether better or worse but I can assure you that things aways change in one way or another.
I'm glad you came back to the forum - I hope you stay and it can help you.