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Failure

AbigailSweet
over 4 years ago

I'm hopelessly lost. I'm a horrible human being and as  my step mum never gets tired of telling me I'm a failure.

I failed my dad.

I failed myself.

And what hurts the most is I failed my birth mum god rest her soul.

I really thought I could do well for myself but it was just a hopeless quest which I never stood a chance of doing. My grades have hit rock bottom. My dad no longer cares about me and my step mum hates my guts and constantly tells me I'm worthless.

I'm just done. I tried, I really tried to be a good girl and to wear a mask to be just like everyone else. I tried and I failed and now I just feel like it's over for me. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm unloved and being here like this is making me depressed and sad.

I'm so tired I need to sleep but when I sleep I'm plagued by nightmares and ghosts from my childhood night and day.

I hate who I am. I just want to go away and be with my proper mum again. She loved me and never once called me a failure.

Parents
  • over 4 years ago

    Oh I'm so sorry you feel this way. But you are not a failure even if you feel that way just now. I can not tell you how many times I have felt just as you do now. But I can assure you you have not let these people down even if you can think of a dozen reason just now that seem to suggest that you have, they don't mean you have at all. If your stepmother is saying these things then she has issues of her own and has no right to take them out on you. My parents disowned me when I was a teenager and it hurt like hell at the time, and I won't lie it took me a long time to come to terms with that rejection; it made me feel like a failure and like I had done everything wrong but looking back on it now I wish I could tell young me that it was them who failed me not me who failed then. I was a frustrating child and teen, but I was just that a child that didn't know how to cope and I too tried with all my heart to be a good girl but I was never enough, I could have been perfect and I would have still never have been enough. Every time I didn't perform perfectly I saw that as a justification for their not wanting me. 

    I'm not trying to make this about me I just want you to see what I see with the hindsight that I now have. I am worried by your obvious pain and I want you to know that what you feel is normal when you find yourself with such a gulf between you and the people who are supposed to love you the most. That need for a safe place is overwhelming and the fact that you had it but lost it is one of the hardest things to deal with sometimes. 

    I have to go to bed and sleep now but please stay safe through the night. 

Reply
  • over 4 years ago

    Oh I'm so sorry you feel this way. But you are not a failure even if you feel that way just now. I can not tell you how many times I have felt just as you do now. But I can assure you you have not let these people down even if you can think of a dozen reason just now that seem to suggest that you have, they don't mean you have at all. If your stepmother is saying these things then she has issues of her own and has no right to take them out on you. My parents disowned me when I was a teenager and it hurt like hell at the time, and I won't lie it took me a long time to come to terms with that rejection; it made me feel like a failure and like I had done everything wrong but looking back on it now I wish I could tell young me that it was them who failed me not me who failed then. I was a frustrating child and teen, but I was just that a child that didn't know how to cope and I too tried with all my heart to be a good girl but I was never enough, I could have been perfect and I would have still never have been enough. Every time I didn't perform perfectly I saw that as a justification for their not wanting me. 

    I'm not trying to make this about me I just want you to see what I see with the hindsight that I now have. I am worried by your obvious pain and I want you to know that what you feel is normal when you find yourself with such a gulf between you and the people who are supposed to love you the most. That need for a safe place is overwhelming and the fact that you had it but lost it is one of the hardest things to deal with sometimes. 

    I have to go to bed and sleep now but please stay safe through the night. 

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