Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
You Guy's, (Wry Smile) I feel privileged to witness the goings on in your lives, (Genuine) Thankyou.
Thanks Tom! Yes, Norway has been a choice, for the reasons you mention. I couldn't stay in that town here, so thought I may just as well try and go to a place where a I may fit in a bit better. There isn't that much of the fake politeness you need to do here and small talk isn't so important either. I'm wondering if I would perhaps not be diagnosed with anything there because it is just normal? Maybe a bit too much wishful thinking there but at least I'll hopefully stick out less.
Thanks to you two! Yes, it is exciting to me too, I'm actually looking forward to the new things, I'm more scared of what I have to leave behind, friends especially. I'm slow making new friends but I really need them, close ones who can tell me when I'm getting too worked up about nothing and help me to calm down rather than making me feel bad about it and therefore even more worked up. Guess that has to take time, you don't make close friends in a day. But despite feeling excited there is somehow lots of space in the head for being anxious... Seems my head has a never-ending capacity for that.
Well, I'll let you know if Norway is worth considering ;-)
Tom I have only just back from shopping and straight away everything is winding me up,open the fridge for some cheese and my darling wife has packed it out meaning the cheese is right at the back!i just shut the door! I have had a couple of crisps today so hey ho.
I am not lazy just get frustrated that my idea of order isn't the same as my wife's,she does suffer poor darling, I haven't said anything and won't,maybe I will calm down and start unloading the Shelf? BUT if I drop something or it falls out I will probably flip? You are not alone in your anxiety or my intolerance to simple things, for peters sake I know only I take sugar but why put it way back against the wall behind stuff not being used? Answer because it has to look right,,,,really!?
I was meaning to be to be funny as autism translates as self ism and we have the myth of being completely uninterested in anyone but ourselves. I am only ever funny when I don't mean to be, so I apologise and won't do it again!
Sounds good....whose going to vet the potential inhabitants....please eat Tom!
An Aspie friend on Facebook posted something a few months back. She'd found an island for sale - somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, I think - for just over a million. Jokingly, she said 'Here's a great crowdfunding opportunity.' But there was quite a response. I can't remember all the details, I was too preoccupied at the time. But I think it worked out, with 200 people putting in £5,000 each, we'd each have several acres to ourselves. Still a bit populous, maybe. And there would then be the need to construct dwellings of some sort. But it had a few people going for a while. Sadly, not enough were interested - even if it was practicable.
eat..,I frequently forget to...,.and it just leads to melt down....
take Daisy for a curry
That sounds very ego-centric!!! Fancy being an antagonist in order to drive up channel 4 ratings!!
Btw...Hendrow is smashing your contribution stats.... lol
God, the way my head's doing me in today. First thing... I decide to go to the DIY store in the car (I can do that now) and get some timber and bits to make a kind of enclosed shelf for Daisy to sit on. It'll fit on the window ledge, so she can sit out there in the fresh air and I'll have no fear of her falling or running off.
Got to the car... and I noticed a long paint scuff on the rear wheel arch. I could swear it wasn't there when I got the car because I gave it a thorough look over. But there it is. I've been obsessing over it ever since. How did it get there? I haven't been anywhere, and I know I didn't do it myself. Was it there and I missed it? I don't know. So... before any more ado, I was on the 'net looking for touch-up paints, comparing prices, making calls. As if it really mattered that much when there are so many other things to worry about. But it bugs me. It's just a scuff... but in my mind it's a huge great gash! I can't stop looking at it.
Anyway... made the shelf. My carpentry skills aren't up to much, but it's okay. All I want now it something to enclose the sides. I thought I'd use twine, held in place with thumb tacks. I went to look for the thumb tacks. Couldn't find them. I remembered I had some in my Christmas decorations box. I went to the cupboard where I store it... and there was mum's Christmas stuff, which I brought back when I cleared the bungalow and put in there out of the way - out of sight, out of mind. I'd forgotten in the interim. I looked at the stuff. There were our cards from our last Christmas.
And then everything came tumbling in. The job, the car, the stupid bloody scuff on the wheel arch that was probably there all along, but I can't be sure....
And now I've realised I've only had a slice of toast all day and it's nearly evening, and the supermarket's closed, and the fridge is empty. So I guess it's a take-away. When I can get my head straight enough to go out.
Sorry. Just emotional overload. Just when you think you're getting somewhere, it's those little things....
I like the sound of this island, think it would have to be called "I land"!
At the point of feeling accepted and part of the community....is that when you get voted off the island!
p.s please keep kit on!
Sounds like Heaven to me!
Tell me to shut up, if needs be :)
Never shut up, Mr Warrior...
there is always a tendency to act like an enthusiastic puppy when there is a connection with someone
sorry tom I still thinking of you but got focused on the island thing,all part of me not knowing when to shut up.
Now I have been thinking about an island or community just for people within the autistic spectrum,maybe channel four would fund it but they would have to throw in a few antagonistic types just to get the ratings up? I for one ain't getting my kit off for no one lol.
I meant to sit down and in depth try and work out just what you have said,I had intended to ask on here what others thought would happen?would we accept each other? We are all individuals and all have had varied influences in our lives.who would lead the way?would we be antisocial toward each other.
I think after a short while of adjustment we would become a unique group of people whose way of life gradually became fantastic,why? Because each one of us are living a life in a world we seemingly don't fit into!
No more being afraid of loud crowds as we as a collective would all people watch and not try to get involved. I think some like all types of community would look to lead which in itself could lead to conflict.
On the other hand to start with I believe we would have to help each other to realise everything is now safe! Able to be yourself without judgement.
I don't know about anyone else....but I am still trying to find home....feel like a bit if a hobo in that respect....someone wise is probably going to say that it is all about finding peace within yourself first!
Mr Tom, sir....are you about to incite and invasion!!....,can we rename Norway "Aspie Island".....would Channel 4 fund it!......would we each live in our own anti-social caves and still communicate via the relatively non threatening means of an online forum......who would be forced to make the phone calls? Would we take turns catching the bus so no-one felt too overwhelmed by noise or overcrowded? The possibilities....would you write the constitution Tom?
my retirement plan.......Scottish island, dog, cat, bottle of single malt and a good fire!
Hi Oktanol,
Well - if one person's anxieties can help another person to cope with theirs, that's all to the good! Reading what you've said here helps me, too.
I have to say I envy you. Norway is one country that I think I'd like to live in. I feel psychologically homeless now in England. The working-class neighbourhood I grew up in in London no longer exists. It's been gentrified into a soulless, moneyed enclave where all the old shops are now bistros, antique palaces or estate agencies. Same in Devon, where I spent my teens. The quaint market town I lived in is now like Richmond-upon-Thames. Scarcely a native voice is heard. Here, on the Kent coast, is where I've spent most of my life - but it's never really felt like home. Just a place that I live. I've always stayed around, though, because mum was here. Now? Well... for the time being, it'll do. Until I can find enough fellow Aspies to crowdfund an island somewhere! Norway has always struck me as a good country. I like their social ethos. And, of course, there's all that wonderful scenery! Low crime rates, too - like another country I fancy: Iceland.
Thanks for your support. I wish you well in your new life.
I've just had a swim, so they're clean - but a bit salty!