Published on 12, July, 2020
That's the best word for it, really. Scared. How I've always been. Scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own shadow.
Following mum's passing in April, it was time for a lot of rest, recovery and reassessment. Everyone advises no big changes after something like this, and I wasn't especially planning any. But I wanted some certainty about my future. That was, and is, important.
My employer had terminated my full-time contract because of the length of time I was off - but they offered me a zero-hours bank contract, which was better in many ways. Pick and choose my hours. More flexibility. The downside would be working sometimes in areas of the business that don't appeal to me and I wouldn't really enjoy. I like day services. I like a 9 to 5 routine.
That's why I jumped at the chance again when I saw the local autistic trust advertising for a day support worker. Just 4 days a week, but still doable because it was a higher salary. Specialising in care for autistic people. Activities largely based around community involvement. All things I like. They interviewed me on the spot (they'd offered me a job last year, which I had to turn down because of mum, and they remembered me) - and they offered me the job straight away. Great. The stability I wanted. Change and having to get used to new people - but it all felt positive.
The downside was traveling (I could cycle to the old place) and the need to get a car because of the location. I picked up a car yesterday. First time I've had one for many years, and in some ways it's good to have that mobility and flexibility again, and not be tied to bus timetables and long bus journeys. Another big change for me - but again, it felt positive.
Until last night. We all know about 'middle-of-the-night syndrome', I guess. Waking at about 2.30... and suddenly finding your head full of crap! I laid there for about two hours, churning it all over, trying to use the techniques I'd been taught in CBT to diminish the anxiety - the fear. It worked to some extent, because I eventually managed to get back to a restless form of sleep. Wake-sleep would be a better way to describe it.
As usual, I was 'awful-ising' it all. What if it I don't like the job? What if I have problems with the car? What if I find it harder than I thought to get by on the money? (take-home will be on a par with the old place, once I take out traveling costs) What if? What if? What if? And then, on the other side, there was the old job - and the positives. A known quantity. Nearer to home, so no need for a car. Fitting right back in. And I was happy there - happier, really, than I've been in a workplace for many years. I used to cross the threshold to the park in the mornings (it's a huge estate) and feel.... safe. Protected. Happy. The downsides could probably be managed in such circumstances.
This is how it always goes. I suppose it's the same for everyone, ND or not. But there are a lot of factors at play with me. Is this too big a change, too soon? Is it right? Of course, I can't know until I try it. Of course, too - the thought that got me to sleep in the end - if it doesn't work out, I can always re-apply to the old place. They said they'd take me back. Then I can go back to how I was, sell the car again, etc.
I know I need to stretch myself and broaden my horizons. Lord knows, in recent years, I've closed myself in a bit.
Maybe I've answered my own questions. Addressed my own fears - to some extent, anyway.
I just wish this anxiety - which is like a living thing in me now - would go away.
Thanks for reading.
Tom
Hi Spotty,
Thank you for your kind words of support.
I can feel the energy! It's what I need right now.
Take care,
Totally...but Norway sounds tempting!
i sold up and moved, new house, new job two years ago.....a big move, but survived....and just about head above the water now (well, -ish!)
Sounds like a massive adventure, very best of fortune with it, it's easy to feel excited rather than anxious when it is someone else's life...
Do you have a chance to rest? Or does that make no difference......wish there was a volume knob on this brain!!
Hi Elephant, ha ha, hadn't thought of that! Hope you are doing ok, mostly at the moment I just feel so so tired.
Good luck in Norway!!!! Sounds exciting....best of luck
Thanks a lot for sharing Tom! As stupid as this may sound but it made me feel a little less scared right now to read that others are just like that too. Off to Norway in 5 days, new job, new environment, new flat, new people, new language, new culture, the people and places I'm familar with all very far away... and I'm so fucking scared. Should be almost landing there by that time on Friday, with the cat that will be no less scared by that journey.
Hope it will work out alright for you and that you really like the new place. That's the thing with decisions, isn't it, nobody can know beforehand if they are right or the best, that's always going to cause uncertainty and hence anxiety. Think for the time being I'll try to allow that anxiety to be there rather than getting more worked up about it than about the things causing it and wasting lots of energy fighting the fear that will only get bigger from this...
From what you said earlier I guess there's another thing we have in common: there are people that will help us (in fact they have already helped me quite a lot really) and who don't expect that we are going to function perfectly in every way possible from day one, not just workwise but generally. I'm trying to get it into my head that this is quite an important thing and is very different to the place before. I know, that's different for you, nobody wanted to kick you out at your previous job, but still they will expect in the new place that lots of things changing isn't going to be easy for you to cope with, so even if that does show through at some point they'll hopefully just accept it as part of your journey. And if some aspect of your new job (workwise or otherwise) proves less suitable than you were hoping, perhaps there is even some leeway. Guess the only thing that couldn't be sorted is if you felt totally out of place there generally and couldn't get on with anyone but ,although not impossible, that's fairly unlikely, I'd think (and I'm trying to convince myself of the same too). Little not so ideal things do often get outweighed by other things working well, it doesn't all have to be perfect to be happy (another thing I'm trying to get into my own head too).
Wish you lots of good luck and it would be really nice to hear how it's going (even if that's not always all positive, but I hope overall it will be)!
Hi Spotty
hope you're ok.
just hope Tom's feet are clean!! ;)
Well said Mr Warrior!
Hi Mr Martian Tom, I've been following most of the threads around here and am aware of your situation around caring for your Mum, her loss and your new job (hope that doesn't make me sound like a stalker). It made me sad and anxious for you reading this because you have sounded quite positive recently, but by the end I think you kind of have answered your own doubts and . and @Lonewarrior have some wise words here. Why does that link thing work with some names and not others???
I cannot imagine not having a car but then I live in the sticks so I'd be a bit stuck without one, a car has always embodied freedom and possibility somehow. I can fully imagine the fear of something going wrong with it though and that is something that may happen and you will be able to deal with it if you need to, I believe that from all that you have written here.
You are not backed into a corner here and nothing seems impulsive, this is a job that you were interested in before caring for your Mum and it seems fortuitous that it has come around again when it is time for you to move forward and begin to make your life again. You have the relative security of knowing that you can walk away and go back to the old job if you really need to as well, my interpretation of this is that both of these employers see how valuable you are which is something to be proud of. You will be an autistic person working in an autistic environment, that could be very liberating and surely no one will expect the unreasonable.
I know that just about everybody starting a new job ND or NT feels anxiety over it and your anxiety is most probably greater than most, I would encourage you to try and live beside it but not let it define you (pots and kettles), you have wisdom and experience on your side and a whole lot of positive energy coming from this forum, I hope that you can feel us all beneath your feet wishing you forward...
thank you.it is a frame of mind that has to be tweaked to each individual, My job can be extremely stressful and I rely on the guys around me to cope,I have learnt to always turn a negative into a positive,Why I put myself through this for thirty plus years? Maybe I am just happy to stay with the flow,accept my lot! I am about to start a job that has lots of hassle,lots of people to deal with, I will be responsible for not only doing the work but controlling the health and safety of all on site but managing pollution and satisfying certain agencies that everything is planned carried out and documented.
Tom is an amazing chap who always has wise words for many on here, well it's our turn to support him and reassure him that despite his fears he WILL succeed,No pressure tom like I said if it doesn't work out then so what,the world won't stop spinning! You will still continue your life and still be here to offer advice to us all.
Thanks, Lonewarrior. Good to know I'm not alone. I'm with you on a lot here. I'd be the same with the locations thing. I have a hopeless sense of direction. And if I'm going somewhere and get lost - especially if I miss my exit on a motorway - my anxiety levels go through the roof. It's partly why I gave up driving and haven't had a car for many years.
) ( said:I have decided no matter what happens I will always be me
Yes... that's what I need to do. As I said above, I've come through a lot of stuff in my past. In comparison, this isn't that big a deal. I'll focus on the positives and see how it goes. Thanks.
Yay.....as the lonewarrior says....you'll be brilliant and keep in touch with how you get on.
if anyone bothers you...send Lone over with his digger!!! Lol
I'd never tell you to pee off! You don't offend. I can do that, too, without even realising it.
I'm not sure it's guilt, really. It's just about returning to 'normality' again - though with a couple of big changes. Having a car, to me, is a big change. Most things that other people would probably take in their stride are big challenges to me. The number of times in the past where I've worked myself up to such a pitch that I've simply stopped everything in its tracks and gone back to what I know - innumerable. The old saying 'You have nothing to fear except fear itself' may have a kernel of truth. But fear is a pretty bloody big thing to fear!
I could have had a phased return at the old place, but it would have been on different days and shift patterns - and, as I said, in areas where I'm not keen on working. With this, I really need to go in at the designated times. They know the situation, yes. They know about my issues. I think it'll work out alright.
Sound advice Mr Warrior....
i certainly wouldn't argue with someone in charge of a digger!!!!!!!!!
we're all rooting for you!!
Hi tom not surprised by your sudden thoughts, I suffer these feelings all the time, my work involves starting new jobs meeting new people getting used to new codes of practice and I cope. Yes cope because I panic I get upset I cannot sleep the nite before a new job starts.
before all this I became a digger driver and that was an absolute nightmare,some weeks I would be starting five new jobs or what we call onedayers ,I am useless at finding places or remembering routes, I would actually get my paperwork for tomorrow's job and travel out to it the night before,imagine the time and cost to the company. Also it could mean me traveling an hour out and an hour back to mine in my time just so I didn't need to panic in the morning. My whole life has and still is to a degree the same now.
I have decided no matter what happens I will always be me so what's the worse that can happen? I now just launch myself into things,yes I get anxious and yes I feel sick but I think back and try to remember all the other times I got through it, I did cope,I did get the job done, I get good feed back and satisfaction at doing a good job.
Maybe focus on the positives, whilst driving your car you in theory can choose to do whatever you want,go where you want,so instead of thinking here I go heading towards uncertainty and what if? You say"If I decide I don't like this job or it's to much you get in your car and head off, none of us belong to anyone, a big thing when being on hire is that the customer thinks they own you,no no no I am here to do a job and you are paying for my ability and experience end of.If I don't like you or the job is to much I just say"sign my ticket I am off,if not I'm off anyway".
Tom you will settle into this job, they will benefit from your knowledge and insight into autism and I look forward to reading your success on here. Take care.
...is this partly guilt as your first time returning to work after the sad loss of your mum? Do you feel still very vulnerable and sore without her?
tell me to pee off if I offend - I often do!!!!
try not to over analyse...are your new employers aware of your situation? Can you request a flexible phased start to your new role?
hang in there Mr Martian, sir
Thanks for the reassurance :)
It's odd - but usually I'll over-analyse something until I've thought myself out of it. I'm over-analysing this, too. 'Awful-ising' it. Part of me thinks I've been impulsive with all this - and it's now catching me out. And every time I've been impulsive in the past, it's come back to bite me in some way. Hence the over-analysis. Except now, I'm doing it too late in the game.
I'll concentrate on the positives and take it as it comes. I've gotten this far in life, and through some real difficulties. So I'll keep that in mind. And I still have options, at least. :)
Tom, you are going to be brilliant in your new job and you have the skills that employers really value.
no one likes change....but it is the only constant we have.
think about the things you can control..can you go into the office for a phased period of time before you officially start your contract in order to familiarise yourself with your new place of work and its staff.
With your job being with the Autistic Trust I am sure that they strive to be an ASD friendly employer...if not then surely you can help educate them about how to achieve this.
breathe, try to keep a cool head...please